She put him out like the burnin’ end of a midnight cigarette She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin’ to forget We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind Until the night He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away her memory Life is short, but this time it was bigger Than the strength he had to get up off his knees We found him with his face down in the pillow With a note that said, ‘I’ll love her till I die.’ And when we buried him beneath the willow The angels sang a whiskey lullaby The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath She finally drank her pain away a little at a time But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind Until the night She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away his memory Life is short, but this time it was bigger Than the strength she had to get up off her knees We found her with her face down in the pillow Clinging to his picture for dear life We laid her next to him beneath the willow While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
My 2 Cents – So this song is sad…and has a very suicidal feeling to it. and this time of year this is something that many of us struggle with. You are important. You are worthy. If you need someone to talk to please reach out.
I have never made secret of the fact that I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse. And yesterday was a very emotional day.
Survivors know that most monsters wear human skin. My monster was a quiet man that everyone believed was a good person. He told me that no one would believe me if I told about how he hurt me. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. That is what monsters do. They convince you that you deserve every bit of what they do. Even in death he haunts me, as I find myself feeling like a bad person for enjoying the fact that he committed suicide.
Monsters are among us. And now the world has one less. Though I am relieved I will not celebrate any farther. I will instead work on creating beauty to combat the monsters that remain in this world. I will be an advocate for those who have had their voice stolen.
This means that I am going to need to step back and breathe, I need to calm the emotional roller-coaster this has created. I will be back on Monday. Until then, avoid the monsters and be kind
I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.
I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.
During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.
Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.
Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.
I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.
I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.
I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.
So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.
[Verse 1] Today I’m kinda feelin’ like a ghost Call my friends but ain’t nobody home Tell myself I’m fine but I don’t really know I’m just scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone I never let it show But I feel like a missed call on a phone Tryna live my life, pay-as-you-go But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
[Chorus] You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost
[Verse 2] You know I never meant to cut you off Got phantom feelings I can never solve Stranger things to worry ’bout, I know But I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
[Pre-Chorus] Can’t see myself in the mirror Does that mean I’m not really here? I’m losin’ touch with everything I know And I’m so scared that I’ll end up, I’ll end up, I’ll end up alone
[Chorus] You know I’m like a ghost, sometimes I have to fade And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost
[Bridge] (Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost) (Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost) You know I’m like a ghost (Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost) (Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, you know I’m like a ghost) Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’ll be alright, I know Ooh, I’ll be okay, I’m just scared that I’ll end up alone (Ooh, ooh)
[Chorus] You know I’m like a ghost, I see it in your face And it haunts me that I have to be this way You say it’s gone cold, I say I’ll do better But I always seem to disappear again You know I’m like a ghost
My 2 cents – During this time of year, something happens. For so many of us the holidays are a struggle. We end up feeling isolated. I know that not everyone who reads this is in winter right now, but it is still valid even during the other seasons. If you feel unseen or isolated… Reach out. There is always someone who will listen.
There is no shame in needing help. You are not a ghost… Even if you feel like one.
Pattimouse 