For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I just changed my profile picture back to this one. It is a good picture, in my opinion. But I had a good friend tell me I should smile more… I am far prettier when I smile…. well I am smiling in this picture. But it doesn’t reach my eyes. Because I was nervous when I took the picture, the smile is a plastic thing. Forced for the picture. My grandma Ethel used to tell me that she hated my pictures because the smile never reached my eyes. This picture fits that discription.
I don’t want to be pretty. I don’t care if anyone sees me as such. However it was bugging me that she said that I should smile, as I was smiling. That is when I remembered what Grandma said. I still think it’s a good picture. I feel like I am androgynous in it. Which I love. I don’t really understand a lot about gender and the binary of it. But I don’t have to. I can be comfortable with myself and not really understand what I am.
Put your make up on Get your nails done Curl your hair Run the extra mile Keep it slim So they like you, do they like you?
Get your sexy on Don’t be shy, girl Take it off This is what you want, to belong So they like you, do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try Yooou don’t have to try
Ohh
Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards You don’t have to choose, buy it all Do they like you? Do they like you?
Wait a second, Why should you care, what they think of you When you’re all alone, by yourself Do you like you? Do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to bend until you break You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try Yooou don’t have to try
Noooo Oooh
You don’t have to try so hard You don’t have to give it all away You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up You don’t have to change a single thing
You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try, try, try, try You don’t have to try You don’t have to try
Take your make up off Let your hair down Take a breath Look into the mirror, at yourself Don’t you like you? Cause I like you
My 2 Cents – Most of you know I spend quite a bit of time on Tiktok…and this has become quite the popular song there. It is such a powerful message. We spend so much of our time trying to be something for the world around us…and often we don’t see the parts of ourselves that are actually worthwhile. I have never had a good view of myself…so I fight to see my own worth. The message here hits.
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
I am five poems away from finishing The volume Handprints on my soul…and I am struggling with my writing…Not because I am unable – obviously. I just have too many topics and too many thoughts… so many that I have been fighting Insomnia. The end of a volume is always an anxious time for me. It is when I question my writing. It is when I question my motives. It is when I question my value…
Yesterday I answered a poem with a poem. The first poem was written by someone I love very much. A child I had given up at birth because I felt myself in a poor position to care for them. The child is now grown and I am amazed by the similarity they have to me. Also a talented poet, they posted one to their Facebook page. I have in the past found it fun to respond to poets with poetry…A slightly odd behavior perhaps but I find it a fun challenge. (I have been specifically responding to haikus written by my friend, on his Facebook feed In haiku because I find the syllable count to be challenging.) So I did not think twice to do the same with my child. Their reaction surprised me.
They said that they would never be as good as I am. I responded that they already were. In some ways that is such a lie. I see their poetry as better than my own. I see everyone who writes as better than my own. I am incredibly biased. I will never stop seeing the flaws in what I write. Though I imagine that most authors do the same. The problem is though I have some days where my writing is brilliance…I also have the days where putting more than one word on paper feels impossible.
I have days that I feel like I am too insane to be allowed to speak – much less use my voice to put something into this world that will be around for an indeterminate amount of time. (That is what writing is you realize? Passing your thoughts into the hazy future for the random person to read.) And I end up feeding the darkness of those days with my own self doubt and anxiety. That is why I refuse to be jealous of other writers or artists. Why I just judge my work and no one elses (unless I am editing their work which is when I am trying to help them get it to a state of technical perfection…) I shy away from people who cannot understand that I do not require judgement or want to be around jealousy. Those things make me harder on me. Instead I need honesty and just simply to be accepted for who I am.
Today I am a poet. I am strange and I am quiet. I am introvert. I am a writer. I am an explorer. Who are you?
Ps I also seem to update the blog more at the end of a volume…mostly because as I stated…This is when I am questioning myself more so I end up coming here with the random thoughts of am I good enough…knowing that I will never hear the answer I am needing to here.
So I was going through a manuscript today…previously published. I am oddly confident in what I publish. I am aware that every book – even the ones published by the big publishers – often still have typos and other minor issues. There was only 2 minor typos. I was quite impressed. Now that being said…I wonder how many times I have missed errors. I employ a multiple eyes on a project policy. This means that the anthologies that Fae corps publishing puts together are edited by myself, and then I ask the authors to go through and let me know any mistakes I missed. Especially from their own story. I ask for them to read the whole thing and point out anything missed in the entire anthology. Because in the end I want to publish something that each author is proud of.
The perfectionist in me though edits it, then runs it through grammarly, then triple checks for anything that I may have missed. I feel like I have to be better because I am a small press. I am embarrassed by any mistakes that come with publishing. So, I try to get it right the first time.
I took a writing class and I was extremely embarrassed by the way it was done. There was a hot seat session. I handed, for my turn, an unedited version of a work in progress. The person who was running the class proceeded to tear into what was wrong. I hope that no one has to deal with that. I had not adjusted the layout and had things that I knew needed fixed because I wanted to see what the teacher would do. She made such a big deal about the minor things that I felt like I was doing awful. It was something that could have made me walk away from writing. I was irritated by the way I was feeling. Instead, I decided that I would learn to do it better. I would never send my work out to be edited without it being edited by me first.
When you judge people you have no idea what you are doing to them. You could end up being the reason why they give up. Or you could be the reason why they knuckle down and improve. The only person who can possibly know what they are going to do is the one you are judging.
okay, I am done random rambling. What do you feel like has to be perfect? why?
Oh, oh Oh, oh I should be living the dream But I’m livin’ with a security team And that ain’t gonna change, no I got a paranoia in me And you wouldn’t believe Everything that I seen, no Comin’ apart at the seams And no one around me knows Who I am, what I’m on Who I’ve hurt and where they’ve gone I know that I’ve done some wrong But I’m tryna make it right To the one I love, paint me wrong Give me a light now (Oh-oh) You know that I love you But I’m still learnin’ to love myself (To love my, to love my, to love my) I’m still learnin’ to love myself (To love my, to love my, to love my) Yeah, yeahI should be livin’ the dream But I go home and I got no self-esteem (No) You think I’m swimmin’ in green But it’s passed around my family tree No man wants to really commit Intimidated ’cause I get paid and shit In the crowd, you’re readin’ my lips But no one around me knows Who I am, what I’m on Who I’ve hurt and where they’ve gone I know that I’ve done some wrong But I’m tryna make it right The same mistakes on and on To all my friends, I’m sorry for You know that I love you But I’m still learnin’ (I’m still learnin’) to love myself (To love my, to love my, to love my) Yeah, yeah I’m still learnin’ (I’m still learnin’) to love myself (To love myself) (To love my, to love my, to love my) Yeah, yeah (Oh, oh) Oh, I try and I try to remember sometimes If I breathe, it’s alright, but some things don’t change I’m still learnin’ (I’m still learnin’) to love myself (To love myself) (To love my, to love my, to love myself) Who I am, what I’m on Who I’ve hurt and where they’ve gone I know that I’ve done some wrong But I’m tryna make it right To the one I love, paint me wrong Give me a light now (To the ones I love) To the ones I love I’m still learnin’ to love myself (To love my, to love my, to love my) Yeah, yeah I’m still learnin’ (I’m still learnin’) to love myself (To love myself) (To love my, to love my, to love my, ooh) And I try and I try to remember sometimes If I breathe, it’s alright, but some things don’t change I’m still learnin’ (I’m still learnin’) to love myself (Love myself) To love myself I’m still learnin’ to love myself
My 2 Cents – I find it so easy to love everyone else. I struggle to love myself. I see too easily the flaws. So forgive me if I take a few…I’m Still Learning to love myself…
I’ve seen people go under I’ve seen people move on But the voices getting louder Until there is none
They said I was special They said I could fight it I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
I wanna be special I wanna be you But I don’t belong here I see it in you
They said I was special They said I could fight it I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
They said I was special Yeah!
I’ve seen people in battle I’ve seen people give up But they’re all just like cattle They don’t know when to stop
I thought they were special I thought they all knew But they are just assholes They’re all just like you
I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
If you’re coming back home tonight I’ll be all long gone I’ll be all long gone [x2]
I thought it was easy I’ll be all long gone I’ll be all long gone [x2]
My 2 Cents- We all have those moments. where we feel left alone, like we are not as special. Each of us are individuals. It doesn’t always feel like it though. And to me this song speaks to that depression that gives us the mental gremlins telling us that we are not anything worth having. The gremlins lie.
Lyrics – [Verse 1] I hate the world today You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried You must have been relieved to see the softer side I can understand how you’d be so confused I don’t envy you I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Verse 2] So take me as I am This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous And I’m going to extremes Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Bridge] Just when you think you got me figured out The season’s already changing I think it’s cool, you do what you do And don’t try to save me
[Chorus] I’m a bitch, I’m a lover I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your Hell, I’m your dream I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Chorus 2] I’m a bitch, I’m a tease I’m a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer I’m your angel undercover I’ve been numb, I’m revived Can’t say I’m not alive You know I wouldn’t want it any other way
My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.
Okay so I have my own view on life. I am fairly open minded and will always accept that I might be wrong. That is… I don’t believe that I am wrong, but I am not infallible. That being said… I saw a post that I shared… And immediately regretted.
Not because of comments… Or the like… But because it made me think. Don’t we all hate being made to think? What is it that makes a good person? Is it a certain set of views on politics? I know that I am adamant on my view on abortion. A good friend who is usually seen as a good man… He has a differing opinion. So does that make me the bad person?
How do we determine if someone is good or bad… If it is easy to determine? I don’t know that it is. I think that the current events are enough to put division between neighbors… In religion we are taught to love our neighbors.. Doesn’t matter if they are good people or not… However it never says that we have to expose ourselves to their beliefs. Or them.
So I pose the question… Do you think that you have a good person?
So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.
The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.
So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.
Pattimouse 