so I am about to get a new computer and that means I have to back up my files.
I am going back to the old files back up and cleaning them up…
I am feeling like a disaster because I keep my files so completely organized on my computer…and the back up is not.
I realize I am letting my brain be mean to me..
but I also am allowing my brain to think about it so I can deal with the reasons why it bothered me ..
They say that what you take pictures of is what you see as important. I remember the first camera I had. It was a cheap one that took 35mm film. That excitement of taking pictures…then I paid for development. The disappointment of the pictures were so blurry and disjointed.
It was enough to be a reason why I didn’t take pictures for years. That camera was a painful thing from my teen years. If digital ones had been available I would have figured out how to do more with them, but it was just not a thing. I could have used a Polaroid but they were expensive and I was poor.
So when my youngest child was born my friend bought me a new digital one. I took thousands of pictures of my daughter and her cousin. Babies are so good at looking adorable even if the one holding the camera is not good at the setting up the shot.
That camera was stolen when we had “friends” over for a Christmas dinner. But by that point I had a smart phone. So I kept learning about taking pictures.
Now I still have the random awful picture, but I have learned to accept that I don’t have to be a professional quality photographer. I take pictures of what I want to remember and when I look at the picture I have a memory. Sometimes I even have a good picture.
So, I ask you… what do you photograph? And are you any good at it? Or like me do you just have memories and the occasional good shot?
For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I just changed my profile picture back to this one. It is a good picture, in my opinion. But I had a good friend tell me I should smile more… I am far prettier when I smile…. well I am smiling in this picture. But it doesn’t reach my eyes. Because I was nervous when I took the picture, the smile is a plastic thing. Forced for the picture. My grandma Ethel used to tell me that she hated my pictures because the smile never reached my eyes. This picture fits that discription.
I don’t want to be pretty. I don’t care if anyone sees me as such. However it was bugging me that she said that I should smile, as I was smiling. That is when I remembered what Grandma said. I still think it’s a good picture. I feel like I am androgynous in it. Which I love. I don’t really understand a lot about gender and the binary of it. But I don’t have to. I can be comfortable with myself and not really understand what I am.
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
Lyrics:
Hey, your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you?
It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
And after all the bullshit I’ve heard
Refreshing not to see
That I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me
So, don’t tell me I
Haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I
Have never been there for you
Just tell me why
Nothing is good enough
Hey little girl, would you like some candy?
Your Momma said it’s okay
The door is open, come on outside
No, I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid?
You’re shaken to the bone
And no, I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this
So, don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
It’s simply not good enough
Oh, so just let me try
I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than
Good enough
So, don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
It’s simply not good enough
Oh, so just let me try
I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than
Good enough
My Two Cents- This song stuck with me. The person who I have always thought of when I have heard it is no longer welcome in my life…but the song still stands for the idea that I am enough. I don’t often feel like I am. I struggle with my own worth. I hope that those who are like me and struggle will hear this message. you don’t always see the ones that adore you for the perfect person you are. You are enough. You are more than enough. you are perfect.
Lyrics – [Verse 1]
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one
[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Verse 2]
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing
[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Bridge]
Just when you think you got me figured out
The season’s already changing
I think it’s cool, you do what you do
And don’t try to save me
[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
[Chorus 2]
I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb, I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way
My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.
So here’s the deal. I see all these posts about not caring about what anyone thinks or says. Saying things like: “I’m all out of fucks” and “I gave away my last fucks” and “this is how many fucks I give…NONE.” Here’s my problem. As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), an Empath, a Healer, a […]
Lessons In Not Giving A F*ck.
Okay so I have my own view on life. I am fairly open minded and will always accept that I might be wrong. That is… I don’t believe that I am wrong, but I am not infallible. That being said… I saw a post that I shared… And immediately regretted.
Not because of comments… Or the like… But because it made me think. Don’t we all hate being made to think? What is it that makes a good person? Is it a certain set of views on politics? I know that I am adamant on my view on abortion. A good friend who is usually seen as a good man… He has a differing opinion. So does that make me the bad person?
How do we determine if someone is good or bad… If it is easy to determine? I don’t know that it is. I think that the current events are enough to put division between neighbors… In religion we are taught to love our neighbors.. Doesn’t matter if they are good people or not… However it never says that we have to expose ourselves to their beliefs. Or them.
So I pose the question… Do you think that you have a good person?
So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.
The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.
So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.
There are three things which dictate the way we live: the society we’re born into, the experiences which impact us, and the reality which we choose to believe in.
None of us can help the first two. No one gets to decide the time, place, or family they’re born into and, while we may have some control over our experiences in general, the things which impact us the most are usually out of our control.
It’s “thing” number three on the list which us mad people are experts at: reality. Or, rather one’s choice of reality.
Oh, you think reality is a fixed thing, do you? It’s solid, reliable, steadfast, and true? Well, my dear reader, allow a mad mind to enlighten you with one simple question….
Can you describe the color blue?
“Of course I can, you mad writer! Blue is…well…it’s blue- The color of the sky, of the ocean, of…those raspberry-flavored ice-pops from my childhood!”
Okay, now go and ask someone who grew up in Alaska or India or Japan, for that matter. Is their version of blue the same as yours? No. It isn’t. Better yet, ask a widower whose wife’s favorite color was blue to describe it. Then, ask a woman who’s color blind. Ask yourself the meaning on a sunny day and one on a day full of storms and sorrow.
Reality is fluid, flexible and the reason for this is because it changes based on our perception of the moment at hand. Want to know the secret to a mad life full of adventures? It’s quite simple:
Mad people get it because we already don’t like to be held down by something as paltry as reality. We understand from quite a young age that reality is meant to be questioned, to be rebelled against, to be contorted to our own quirky wills.
How do we do this? By choosing what we want to be true and then making it so:
“You can’t help that. We’re all mad here.”
-Cheshire Cat
Do you have any mad sayings that help you choose your reality? Share them with us!
Pattimouse 