Tag: Life

Whispers of the Future

The kid is asleep, So I thought I would take the time to do an update here. 2020, for all that it has sucked, has taught me a lot. I updated most of the covers on my poetry volumes this year, but I really have not looked at the interior of any of them since I published them…until recently.

Now don’t get me wrong…I did not publish anything badly, I just can clean it up and make it look a little nicer. So I have decided that is what 2021 will be. I have a full schedule with Fae Corps…We have multiple authors who have entrusted their books in our care. And there will be 3 anthologies for fae corps. I have one I am hoping to release (Wisdom: Grandmother’s Words). So instead of trying to release any new poetry volumes in 2021, I think that I am going to update and re-release my older volumes.

Changes in staff at Fae Corps is making this year coming exciting…and scary. Fae Corps is growing. We have up till now just had Cyndi and I doing whatever needed to be done. That left both of us stuck with marketing, something that neither of us are normally that good at. Now we have KT. Due to a difference in opinion we lost our consulting editor. We decided on official roles. Cyndi is our Developmental editor, I am the Copy editor. I do the Cover designs, KT does the marketing, and the scheduling. We also take projects for authors who do not choose to publish with us. Cyndi took an editing job that ended up choosing to publish with us after.

So with Fae Corps being so busy, I feel like I should plan my own writing projects to be lighter.. Not nonexistent, just lighter. Song of Shadow releases December 1st, 2020. I also am in the Coffee House Writer’s Anthology Volume 1 which is available for preorder. Serena is working hard to get stories ready for Fae Corps 2021 anthologies, and has one coming out in Circle City’s An Absurd Apocalypse. (It’s only a flash fiction, but I read it and it is cute and funny). 2020 was a busy year writing and publishing wise. I submitted to a project for Indie Blu(e) publishing which I hope to hear whether it is accepted after the first of the year. (Another small press with big talent that I want to support) So even though I am planning to do clean up on older volumes in the upcoming year…as you can see it will be a busy year.

Of Course I will still be working with Coffee House Writers, and I am still working on the two new volumes…I am just not rushing to put them out over the next year. Maybe I can do a re-release a month and see what else I can squeeze in from there.

Friday, really?

This has been a crazy month so far. Fae Corps is releasing 4 anthologies on the 31st, and I have been busy getting them ready for release. Then I get a seasonal crud. So I have been sick for the last two days.

I am starting to feel better and I look into the blogs (as I am often the one that maintains the Fae Corps blog). I did a few planned posts and decided to read the blogs that I follow to find a few to spotlight. Y’all! I literally had an angry comment on one of the shared posts claiming that I posted it without permission. I have taken the post down, unfollowed the blog in question, and blocked them so I will not accidentally see them and reblog anything by them.

I was under the impression that reblogging gave the post more reach. Which seems like more people seeing what you wrote is better? I don’t know.

I am not going to dwell on this. Instead I will let you know that we have a newsletter now (see the Fae Corps blog). We are always looking for stories and poems to feature on both. I like to link directly to the persons site when I feature people.

I have a few more people in our author spotlight file to still post on the blog… I have not forgotten. Once the meet the author for the new anthologies are done I will be returning to focus on those.

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.

Fivefold – Lost within

Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in
Who you are is not who you’ve been
Now’s the time to sink or swim
Will you fight the tide or get lost within
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
Iron bars are hell to break
Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?
Your whole life in a blank stare haze
You walk around like the end of days
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
I’m callin’ out to you
Can you hear me?
They can’t break you down
Let you hit the ground
I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long)
You’re feeling overwhelmed here
Drowned by the pain and the fear
The sun will come with the dawn
All you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul…
Get your soul…

My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.

Whelp it’s Wednesday

I know that I missed yesterday… It is due to changes that hit me a little hard. My boyfriend was laid off, so my sleep schedule and our finances are about to drastically change.

I felt like all of the pressure from this would cause the pick of music to be more depressing. I also needed time to process and accept the change.

I still plan on posting today my art as I always do. I just wanted to explain why I missed yesterday.

Fun new pets

Not poetry related, I know. Still my brain is a little bit fried. So instead of trying to fight against the brain fog… I decided to share what we got yesterday. I will return to poetry related posts on Sunday.

Why I have to play catch up here

I missed two days. I was supposed to be posting something poetry related and then Saturday was also supposed to see the link post. My boyfriend was called to assist with a friends hot water tank. I went with. We spent two days fixing the tank (see here replacing). Her home is sweet and inherited…. Including the fact that it was built by her grandfather. A lot of slapped together with duct tape, hope, and just prayer. So replacing the tank took a lot of cuss words and more than a little sweat.

That being said, I don’t want to do three more posts… I will make sure that the link post goes up. I may do a couple of exra posts through the week to make up to y’all

I have been struggling this year to keep up. I know that many of you are as well. Thank you for your patience.

Oh and before you yell at me for going to her house… We practiced social distance. It is definitely a dark time…. But I don’t see myself or my boyfriend turning our back on a friend in need. We were not going to party. We were not “visiting”…we were lending a hand to good friends.

Thursday Tea

Hello lovelies! I am having a coffee day, but as I have been saying all along… The tea table has options.

My life at the moment has been so busy that I don’t have much of an update on writing…. Though I do want to remind everyone that the deadline for submissions to Through the Sunshine is tomorrow! I am going to be posting something in the Fae Corps blog as well. Remember that this is just for first drafts. We can only take the ones who get that first draft in under the deadline…

Life has been busy here. We finally got the contract to buy our house. And I have a birthday girl turning 16 next week. My suv needs to be taken in to get tires replaced. And we are still rehabbing a couple of rooms in the house. Add the stress of all of this and Dr’s appointments, and everything else… You can see why I have been doing less on the writing front.

I am hoping that things settle some in February and I can get Heart Drops written some. I have spoken with my illustrator about Dylan’s next adventure. She is having life hit her as well, so Dylan may not be able to get finished for a couple of months. I will keep you updated.

I am going to be trying to schedule Tuesday’s post as I am going to be spending as much time as I can with my day with my princess. 2020 is shaping up to be a very complex year for me.

There But for the grace of god….

TW: Discussion of Suicide

I try to keep my blog some what light. Well as light as a half mad poet can be. Still something happened last night that got me thinking. One of the strongest women writers I know reached out to me. She had, unbeknownst to me, suffered through a suicide attempt during the holidays. Now this is not to tell her story, as it is not mine to tell. This is to tell my thoughts on something she said to me.

I have quite a bit that I bury to just keep going. Not whining, just telling the truth here. Between arthritis pain and carpal tunnel, my hands hurt constantly. My mental health adds a whole other aspect, as I dissociate. I struggle with impostor syndrome. I am diabetic, and my relationship with food is one of mutual hatred. I often get so busy that I forget to eat. I am raising and homeschooling the most stubborn teen known to man. I have not been able to go to college. The only reason I graduated high school was because my principal decided she didn’t want me wandering the halls anymore. I have dyslexia. I am an insomniac.

During all of this, I produce this blog. I write as 2 Separate pen names. I am half of Fae Corps Inc. I take on far more of the responsibility for it than I should, leaving my partner frustrated at me. She feels like I don’t trust her, which is by the way the farthest from the truth. She is one of a handful of people who I actually do trust, unequivocally. I have 20+ books under my pen.

Now…I told you all of this not because I felt the need to share. I told you this so I can share the point that was made for me. The conversation I had, and my take away from it…started out because of a thread talking about writers block. I really don’t have writer’s block, ever. Thanks to tumblr, and other fun sites, I can easily find new prompts. I have a collection of story ideas that may never get written. For me it is more a case of limitations. Mostly physical, and a lot of pushing past due to sheer stubborn stupidity.

Well, my friend told me that I am talented(which was a wonderful thing to hear) and too hard on myself. That brought me to the epiphany of today. I am hard on myself.

I have a hard time realizing my limits, and nothing I ever do feels good enough. Somehow, like the starving artist ideal, the poet who sees themselves as less always felt right. My self esteem has gotten better over the last few years, but not so much that I could easily stop the self depreciation. I think that the word change may be coming into play. Time to stop beating myself up for not being able to do what I feel like I should. Time to stop beating myself up if I don’t see my writing or my art the way others do.

I told my friend that I am hard on myself because that is how I keep going. There is and is not truth in that. I am forty four. I have spent the majority of that time having only myself to depend on. Making poor choices, mostly because I saw no other choices to make. Well why did I take the hard path? Because that was the only path I saw. Now, I have people in my life that have proven that they will be there. That form a layer of protection in case I fall. It’s something many don’t think about, but having someone who cares helps.

I have not been suicidal in the traditional sense in years…One of the meds that I was put on as a teen caused suicidal thoughts in me…but other than that I never wanted to die…I only wished that I had never been born. Now I have so much that I am responsible for in this world that is good…well I am past that thought even…and it is not something that I just woke up one day and didn’t wish that I didn’t exist…It was just gone. I look at my life and think that if something happens and I don’t wake tomorrow…I will be remembered as more than the emo brat that I end up being most of the time.

So let’s change together. Let us stop using negative thoughts to beat ourselves up. Together let us remember what we are doing that is good in this world. Spread Kindness for no reason. And together we make the world a better place.

Ugh Thursday

I realize how much this year I have bowed out due to illness… And I am so sorry. Between my own sinus ick, and worrying about my girl Cyndi having pneumonia, and just general life stuff… I am worn out.

On an up note… I have 3 books less to fight with as they are out. I am working on entries for an anthology that I have been accepted for… I have one more book that I am working with for layout. I have an audiobook that I am trying to record by the weekend (game weekend for me so I have to be ready to run my guys through adventures as well).

We, in my house, are still in the process of doing some remodel. So I am definitely dealing with chaos here. So even though this is not a normal tea party… It is still an update. Just as chaotic as my life currently.

I submitted to Indie Blu Publishing’s call for submissions for their anthology for the chronically ill.(not the name but y’all know what I mean.)

The anthology that I referred to earlier is one that is being put out by coffee house writers. I will be sharing more information as I know more.

Faery Footprints and Dylan and the Pet Zombie and Beauty’s Tears are all available to purchase. The deadline for Through the Sunshine is coming up quickly (January 31). I am working on a surprise anthology for Fae Corps… More details as I get it done.

This year is already shaping up to be a busy one. I know that I usually do a link post on the first Saturday but I was releasing those and I wanted to wait for their links. So I will be doing that post this Saturday. Definitely keep an eye here because I have quite a few projects in the works.

I do hope that this finds all of you well, the sick has been getting around lately. I am probably not going to be posting tomorrow as I am worn thin. Please forgive me this. And I thank you for reading and supporting me throughout all of my journey.