So this week has been a disaster… And then some. I have had in my home 2 head wounds, a second degree burn, scratches, scrapes, a seizure and just general chaos. I tried to record a sketchbook tour. My phone ate the video.
I have been on the go so much that I feel like I have been awake for a week. That means that I have nothing to do the tea party on this week. And likely no idea what to talk about tomorrow. I will have to work on the idea farm.
I missed two days. I was supposed to be posting something poetry related and then Saturday was also supposed to see the link post. My boyfriend was called to assist with a friends hot water tank. I went with. We spent two days fixing the tank (see here replacing). Her home is sweet and inherited…. Including the fact that it was built by her grandfather. A lot of slapped together with duct tape, hope, and just prayer. So replacing the tank took a lot of cuss words and more than a little sweat.
That being said, I don’t want to do three more posts… I will make sure that the link post goes up. I may do a couple of exra posts through the week to make up to y’all
I have been struggling this year to keep up. I know that many of you are as well. Thank you for your patience.
Oh and before you yell at me for going to her house… We practiced social distance. It is definitely a dark time…. But I don’t see myself or my boyfriend turning our back on a friend in need. We were not going to party. We were not “visiting”…we were lending a hand to good friends.
Lyrics – All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said, “Show me something”
He said, “If you dare, come a little closer”
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
It’s not much of a life you’re living
It’s not just something you take it’s given
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the reason I hold on
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ’cause I need this hole gone
Well, funny you’re the broken one
But I’m the only one who needed saving
‘Cause when you never see the light
It’s hard to know which one of us is caving
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, hooh
My 2 cents – this song speaks of longing for company, of loneliness. Right now I feel like this is a relevant and relatable feeling. It is a scary time for all of us, globally. Pandemic and isolation…it’s just a level of panic and uncertainty that has a lot of us disabled.
Please, even if you are having issues, try to stay in until this is under control. Isolation is the world’s best shot right now. Stay home and stay safe.
So I was having an email conversation with a friend about social media. He was pointing out the algorithm that sucks the orginality out of social media in general. While I agree with him and sometimes I think that I would be happier without the view of humanity that I recieve from reading the interwebs, I would miss the delight of seeing the creativity in the human soul.
The conversation ended with the idea that we both often feel unseen. It is not, I am sure, a novel feeling. To feel like instead of being actually heard… You are merely sending echoes into the void.
So I think that I want to hear the echoes…tell me something that you feel like isn’t being heard. One thing that you want to say. I will listen. And then go through the comments and hear others. Or pass the post on to others. Let’s get it to where no one feels like that echo.
I think that I have a sinus infection. I am not able to think of what to write. I am just going to take a small rest then I will be back tomorrow with the monthly link post.
So I normally post poetry on Monday… But I am exhausted. I will explain why in a truth is stranger than fiction type way. Last week was just all around awful. I am an introvert to my core. Well my boyfriend has decided to expand my daughter’s bedroom as her Christmas gift. Now that wall he wants to remove is the original outside wall of the house. The porch has since been made into another room. So that wall is load bearing. So he had two separate contractors come in to do an estimate. The first ones gave all three of us the willies. He didn’t seem to know what to do with the wall… The second one was so much better.
Most of the rest of the week was sick and pain. Nothing terribly unusual, just all together adding to the ick factor of the week… And then Friday hit.
My front door was broken for a while. We had it fixed, but we are not used to the door being right. So we use the deadbolt mostly. The bottom lock is only used when someone is home. I honestly thought that there was only one key… Well the boyfriend was half dead with exhaustion. We were taking him to work so I could use his vehicle to do shopping in the morning. He works midnight to 9. My blazer has 2 flat tires, one has a nail. So I think that he locked the bottom lock on habit. My daughter, being last out, locked the deadbolt. Well we get back to find that both locks are engaged. We checked to see if there was any other way in. I called a friend who is a local locksmith… All to no avail. Then…I get the bright idea to check the keys on my chain that I was not sure of. Yeah I had a key to the door… So that was a high stress that had my daughter and I standing in 35°F weather for about 10 minutes when we did not have to.
So I have been moving stuff to allow for the expansion, and dealing with the stress. And the result is I am so exhausted that I can’t think straight, much less create. I should be back on track with my posts tomorrow. Thank you for understanding.
Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.
I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.
This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.
I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.
I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.
I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.
I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.
Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.
I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
How fleeting life can be. A string of moments, all connected with something called a lifespan. I recently got news about a friend who is fighting cancer. It hit harder than I ever could have expected any news to hit. She is younger than me. And it feels damned unfair. Now mind you, as usual, she has it under control. She has always had it under control.
It seems like it is easy to react from outside of a situation with righteous indignation, and fear. Those two emotions cause us to fail to see the weight we put on the one inside with each question. Sometimes, it would be kinder to just be an ear.
It’s hard to be just an ear when we want to scream frustration. It will pass but what damage do you do to those around you as you fight to calm yourself down?
That is the stage I am in. I am fighting to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is not about me, and I have to learn how to be there for her. I have to not let my own fears come between me and supporting her. It is Damned Unfair, but life is not about what is fair. It is about learning, loving, and creating. So I wish for all of you…
May you love deeply,
May you learn happily,
And may you always
be able to create beauty!
I don’t usually do pictures of my self here. I usually stick with my art and go…. But I feel like this is the best way of expressing my thoughts here. Each of them are pictures of me at the various stages of life. Picture #1 is child… I think that I was 2? Maybe 3. I had no thought of the future… It was all about living and playing. Picture #2 is my senior year. I made the jewelry I was wearing. I saw everything I wanted in life become impossible. I worked so hard just to find out that life was unfair. I didn’t see myself reaching 30…and I was beyond over caring. I couldn’t go to college. I couldn’t get custody of my son… Life was sucking, but I didn’t care because I could survive. I had friends and family. I was incredibly oblivious and it worked. Picture #3 I was in my early 30’s… I had a toddler. That is the best picture of that time in my life. I was out thousands of miles from home, stuck in what seemed the most foriegn land I would ever know. I had made it… Now what did I do. I was healing my mind and raising my girl. I think that I spent the next few years just asking myself what now. How does one plan for an age they never expected to reach? And when they do, how do you find that steady point? Picture #4…that is 4 years ago. My life is in chaos. That is the year I decided to start a blog. I published more, that is the year two of my kids books and another poetry volume was released. It was the beginning of another chapter in my weird story. I don’t want to put another picture here because I don’t feel like I am in another era for me. I am in my crone phase, and I think that I am rocking it. I am growing. Each day I learn.
When I started with the whole blog thing I was really green. Now I watch my following grow daily. I only hope it is because you are enjoying the content. Thank you for seeing me! Btw Friday will be prompts again and I am hoping to do the monthly links post on Saturday. I am just over 350 following. At 500 I will do a drawing for a hand written or unique drawing from me. Till tomorrow.
well it has been a day of surprises both good and bad. I got a wild hair and decided to check about “Charlie”. He is up for appeals on his charges. anyway the reporter i asked to update me on his status said she might want to do my story. i have mixed feelings on this, it means dragging my laundry out in the air for all to see. yet it also may help others come forward. He is a predator of the first class. Yet it hurts so much… and my mind blocked most of those memories long ago, Do i really want to go there? yet on a lighter note, I got whimsical last night and started a family tree. I asked my cousin to fill a blank i have as far as names and he told me to call his brother. I did and he has research his mother did. he is willing to go through it and share the info with me.
And so life goes
onward,
ever tearing,
ever raging
till at last
naught remains,
naught save anger
at only what might have been.
What was is gone,
and the broken shells
of lost dreams stain
the pristine horizon
of Never again.
ok so it sucks, just random thoughts as i type. well now for recovery and comfort food. maybe a crying jag who knows…*evil grin* hey joe…ok cyall
Pattimouse 