Tag: lack of updating

Inner demons and the war within

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.

“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”

This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”

The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?

I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win.
I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again.
The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within.
Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal,
Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.

Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad,
For I find myself doubting even the truth I had.
Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale,
I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.

I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.

Vacation attacked

So, my mommy messaged me around the beginning of June and said that she was coming to get me around the 18th and keeping me until the 28th. I was not asked if I wanted to go…but I do.. so I am going. I will have internet, but I don’t know what I am going to be doing. So this is your warning. I will not be posting anything during those 10 days…I don’t know if I am going to be able to get myself back to work before the 5th of July (due to a cookout that I decided was a good idea for the fourth) I will be back to posting after the fifth. so please excuse my random disappearance. Have fun and be nice to each other while I am gone…

Spring Illness

so I have been sleeping for several days now…running a mild fever. it has broken…but it has kept me from my life and online adventures….as I am recovering I am hoping to get back to work.

delays in posting

so I was so busy with yard work yesterday that I had no time to get the posts up. I am going to be at the computer later today, so I am planning to do this week today…but it will be late poetry and I thought I would warn you. thank you for your patience.

Too many balls in the air

Trying to get books ready for publication, writing more, and recovering from a really nasty infection…means the blog caught neglect. So here is a poem written today titled The White Whale…

One last week of Chaos

Last week I gave you excuses and the slow dripping of art and poetry for the week. This week I scheduled at the same time…mostly because I don’t believe I am going to have the wherewithal to do better this week. I will try to do better in April. I do want to point out that the poetry I shared was from stuff I have yet to put on pretty graphics. I did want you to see new stuff, but the energy levels I have been keeping as the stress levels have been this high have been abysmal. I have been writing…and I will have some new graphics in April to share. (Those were in previous volumes and ones I had decided not to share originally.) This week I will be sharing some of the book covers I have designed that are still waiting for someone to want them. I will also share more art and poetry. Next week will, for good or ill, see this stress done. I will go back to my normal routine. Thank you again for your patience with me.

Excuses, and the stress Monster

I normally schedule my blog posts on Sunday for the week…and when I don’t I end up with the posts for the week not going up. I don’t intend it, it just happens that way. Well, the next two weeks are wrought with Stress due to an upcoming court situation. (My boyfriend has been trying to get his disability, and I am worried for him. It is not my court day but that often does not excuse the stress we feel when someone we care about is facing a major event.) So I cannot promise how well I will be doing until after the 30th. I am going to schedule this week today…or try to. I am having trouble with a stress headache today. So I thank you for your patience if I am less posty for the next two weeks. It is been much of the reason why March has been spotty. I have been writing and doing the work for Fae Corps to get the books out…but my poor blog has been too much to deal with sometimes. That is something I am trying to work on. I may end up just posting poetry and art this week instead of trying to keep my daily themes going.

The Holidays are in, and it has kicked me in the butt

So I haven’t been around. Not surprised if you noticed. There has been a lot of activity in my life. Changes that have caught me by the throat. I don’t plan on bleeding those changes all over my blog, it would just open wounds that are starting to close. However, I am going to still be on hiatus a short while longer. It started with a nasty bout of bronchitis and then some nasty emotional baggage. I am slowly unpacking the baggage and starting to put things away. I think I will give myself grace through the month of December and start 2022 fresh. I need this time to deal with the mess that I got myself into. This time of year often ends me up with an emotional downside that I have been at a loss to prevent.

For me that means I will continue to work on myself and the issues that have arisen in my life. For you it merely means I am asking for patience. January will see more poetry, art, and discussion of the foibles of life that my blog has come to present on a regular basis. I thank you for the patience and I wish you all the best of holidays.

time for a pause.

I don’t often post pictures of my daughter or myself, not on here. Today it seems important. I got a call this morning, while making breakfast and listening to her laughter as her and her dad were picking at each other.

I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is asthmatic, and her left lung has been hurting for a couple of days. She also had other concerns and needed shots. So the doc sent her for a chest X-ray.

That call was the nurse from the Doctor’s office. The X-ray came back as she has pneumonia. They want a covid test. And my heart dropped into my stomach. Since the pandemic hit we have been very careful. We don’t go anywhere, at least nowhere unnecessary. We are both asthmatic and her dad has emphysema. The whole lot of us are high risk.

So I am scared. I have a 16 year old stubborn girl who is going to need to rest… and like her mama, she is not inclined towards rest often. She is a busy bee with multiple things that she is wanting to do at any given moment.

We are just about to go out to get her covid test… and I am worried.

So I am probably not going to be posting this week due to this. I will be back next week, and I am going to try to be more active. thank you for understanding.

Whelp it’s Wednesday

I know that I missed yesterday… It is due to changes that hit me a little hard. My boyfriend was laid off, so my sleep schedule and our finances are about to drastically change.

I felt like all of the pressure from this would cause the pick of music to be more depressing. I also needed time to process and accept the change.

I still plan on posting today my art as I always do. I just wanted to explain why I missed yesterday.