Tag: insomnia

politics, and sleep deprivation demons

Poetry woke me. it is not the first time, likely will not be the last. I have been working on two different projects as my poetry goes…I have been finding that I am writing a lot of political poetry…where I had not been before. I guess as I have aged my heart is just not in swallowing the rage I have been feeling for the way the world around me is. I don’t like saying nothing when I see a wrong being done. I have fought for my voice, so I guess I will have to use it. well not all of the poetry I have been writing is appropriate for this volume.

so I am writing two. I think the first one is either going to be smaller than my usual or take longer, I am not sure. it currently has twelve poems compared to the twenty nine in Handprints. Gathering Teardrops will be released in May and I am not sure if either of these will be available this year. I have a bit of a full schedule for publishing this year.

I will announce when each are done writing. I have another poem that is bouncing around my head wanting to be written, so I am writing instead of sleeping….sigh

oh…btw…I have an interview on Facebook on Friday…will post the link as soon as I get it.

Quicksilver Poetry

First the inspiration back story..

So… On tumblr I managed to by virtue of sheer exhaustion do something that has me so embarrassed. I had a talented poet enter into my asks wanting to recieve a poetry prompt. Now… I am on a midnight schedule. My boyfriend works midnight to 9am, roughly. So, I usually am in bed between 2ish pm and 11pm. Well, I am also an insomniac…. Yesterday was a no sleep day. The poet thanked me for posting it… And I in my exhaustion… I did not double check the response before sending it out. Autocorrect got me. I sent Your welcome instead of the You’re welcome that I thought I was sending. So I think that I will attempt the prompt myself as recompense.

The prompt was : memories buried.
©2019 Patricia Harris

Six feet down,
In fresh turned earth…
Lays love once so dear.
He chose another heart,
Betraying mine.

So his memory,
I buried.
To prevent my pain,
In hopes that it would
Never rise again.

As the wheel of time turned,
Away that heartache burned.
So here I am with shovel in hand,
At the graveside I stand.
Hoping to revive
All of the memories
Buried inside.

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Insomnia attacks

Since I am sleep deprived and have no spoons to spare… Here is some poetry to make up for the lack of a post.

First poem for Ink Splashes

I should be asleep… But when the muse hits…. See y’all when I am conscious again.

Thursday Triple Thud

Three days of insomnia has me Maudlin and Derpy…and oddly enough it has made me more productive. I have been writing more in the last three days than I have a month prior. I feel like my brain is on fire…and it is not necessarily a bad thing. I was starting to worry….2019 has not been seeing much writing from me. I had ideas…folders full. It was not a lack of ability, or ideas. Ability never leaves. Not truely, though we sometimes feel like it has. It is similar to the question of whether you would want to have talent or skill. I have, I think, broached that topic on this blog before.

No, my issue was something broader. I couldn’t seem to create. I was in a fog. I could write, but it was like pouring molasses out in winter. Last year I was writing like a madwoman. Poetry and novel both were going out well. It was colder and felt like winter last year. This year it has been muddy and wet, and I have been feeling it. I am a spring child. I love my cooler temps, but I hate the deep cold of winter. I have not had the winter I was expecting. It feels like I am whining.

So, three days ago I sat in front of my computer. I usually do my writing on my phone. The computer is for editing and layout usually. I just wanted to try something different, hoping to snap myself out of the funk. Routine is often a writer’s best tool…I am the exception to that. I get panicky over routine. I obsess over it. Which takes away productivity. So, I was trying to put some randomness back into my writing. I chose a story that I had barely touched. Something I have less invested in. So if I failed in writing it would not hurt Serena’s Life, Guilt and Undeath. I got a little over a thousand words written. Suddenly, Poetry and stories were flowing.

Then my brain wouldn’t shut down. It was like I had to make up all of the time I had lost. So today I am tired. This wasn’t what I planned to post, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I did have planned. I hope to sleep tonight, but I will settle for just relaxing today. I will be doing more writing. I think I will put the computer in a rotation to make the writing easier. I use evernote for most of my writing anyway, and I have it on my computer to make things easier.

Nothing I can do about the insomnia, it happens often enough. I can control my writing though, to some extent. I can seek to improve my craft, make it easier for me to do what I need to do.

Fridays, I usually do writing advice on my Blog, Instead I will be posting a couple of word games to give my brain a break. So, I will leave you with a question. What do you do for routines? What can you do to improve your outlook, or your craft?