As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.
“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”
This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”
The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?
I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win. I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again. The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within. Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal, Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.
Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad, For I find myself doubting even the truth I had. Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale, I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.
I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.
So I was going through a manuscript today…previously published. I am oddly confident in what I publish. I am aware that every book – even the ones published by the big publishers – often still have typos and other minor issues. There was only 2 minor typos. I was quite impressed. Now that being said…I wonder how many times I have missed errors. I employ a multiple eyes on a project policy. This means that the anthologies that Fae corps publishing puts together are edited by myself, and then I ask the authors to go through and let me know any mistakes I missed. Especially from their own story. I ask for them to read the whole thing and point out anything missed in the entire anthology. Because in the end I want to publish something that each author is proud of.
The perfectionist in me though edits it, then runs it through grammarly, then triple checks for anything that I may have missed. I feel like I have to be better because I am a small press. I am embarrassed by any mistakes that come with publishing. So, I try to get it right the first time.
I took a writing class and I was extremely embarrassed by the way it was done. There was a hot seat session. I handed, for my turn, an unedited version of a work in progress. The person who was running the class proceeded to tear into what was wrong. I hope that no one has to deal with that. I had not adjusted the layout and had things that I knew needed fixed because I wanted to see what the teacher would do. She made such a big deal about the minor things that I felt like I was doing awful. It was something that could have made me walk away from writing. I was irritated by the way I was feeling. Instead, I decided that I would learn to do it better. I would never send my work out to be edited without it being edited by me first.
When you judge people you have no idea what you are doing to them. You could end up being the reason why they give up. Or you could be the reason why they knuckle down and improve. The only person who can possibly know what they are going to do is the one you are judging.
okay, I am done random rambling. What do you feel like has to be perfect? why?
Pattimouse 