Tag: family

Engagement, And family.

Photo by Fidel Hajj on Pexels.com

I will never Marry…but I came really close once. He was a handsome lad, who truly acted like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He had dark hair and pretty blue eyes. We had dated for a while when I was in high school. I had gone to a special camp for occupational therapy. He was there and we hit it off. He was so cute, with a little bit of a problem with authority…yeah I know I have a type where men are concerned. Almost all of the men I have actually been attracted to have had that same issue with authority. I left him and the facility. Then a year or so later he and I met again. We hooked up. He asked me to marry him. You know what…at the time I had an awful amount of stars in my eyes where love was concerned. I wanted that damn white picket fence with six children. I wanted happily ever after like the poets speak of. (Says the poet) He made me think I was worth that love.

I was nearly twenty-one. I was an old lady to my mind. Thirty was an impossible dream. I had one child already. My best friend was engaged to a charismatic stoner. We were a group. At the time I thought that the traditional monogamy route was the only way life was. I also was quite deep in the metaphoric closet. I had girlfriends, but I was hiding them and our relationships because I was convinced that being myself was a bad idea. So, I was convinced that I would marry him. We would be together and there would never be a reason why we would not.

Then I walked in on him and my best friend on my couch. Yeah. He apparently had different dreams than I did. I had a one night stand with her fiance as revenge. That was an incredible memorable night. We are still friends, that one night stand and I. The best friend and the husband to be…well I haven’t seen either of them in 26 years now. I left the area and joined Job Corps. I met my boyfriend. He was unlike any guy I had ever dated. Yesterday is the anniversary of the day we met.

He is my best friend. He makes me laugh. He and I will never marry. We don’t want to. He and I had an open relationship from the first. It worked because we were able to be honest with each other. He closed it off when I found someone I could actually have considered getting close to. He realized that he wasn’t able to find anyone else who was even remotely like what he had in me. I still am able to find a girlfriend because there is things that a girl can provide that he cannot. But I have the only man I will ever have. And I am okay with that. (If he was gay the situation would be open there, but he is not.) I had in my youth figured that I needed to marry. I needed to have the house with the three-car garage and white picket fence to be normal. I was so foolish. At forty-seven I have learned a lot. I have carried to term 3 children. I had to give one up for adoption. I miscarried 2. I have found my home. It was not in a building. It was at the side of a man that loves me. It was being Mom to a neurodivergent Girl who thinks I am some kind of hero…and I still am trying to convince her she is mine. It was allowing myself to be me.

I have some definite opinions about Roe vs Wade. This story has a lot of family intonations in it. If I had grown up without the option for an abortion, it would not have mattered to me. I would have not aborted any of the three. However, I miscarried. Twice. Both were emotion killing moments. I wanted both babies. I barely survived having my beautiful neurodivergent girl. The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would die. I can never carry another child to term. Roe vs Wade means I have the choice. I hate the idea of getting one. I still want that choice. I was raped after my son was born. If I had ended up pregnant I would have wanted that choice. I didn’t report it. I was terrified of the idea. I had told about the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I was told I had lied. Why would anyone believe me if I said that this had happened?

Ending RvW will not stop abortions. It will stop safe abortions. There was abortions before RvW. There were no safe abortions. Women have been choosing to slip pregnacies since the dawn of time. We are supposed to be an advanced society…so why are we discussing this again? It was solved in 1973…

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics –
[Verse 1]
Thought I’d bite my tongue
Just this once, maybe twice, but the harder I bite
Now it’s drawing blood
There’s a trace on my lips, leaves a taste when we kiss
Try to cover up
All of the lies and all of the lines that I
Bottle up
To keep you safe and sound

[Pre-Chorus]
But echoes of warnings
Like whispers of morning, like
It creeping through cracks in my memory
It’d make me lose my mind

[Chorus]
But every time I close my eyes
It’s calling in like a siren
Threatening to comе alive
Unless I pay the pricе, yeah
But if my heart is right this time
And I can finally bear my secrets
Maybe you won’t run and hide
But love the monster inside me

[Verse 2]
Maybe all the love
Is a switch that we flip when we’re losing our grip
And it’s close enough
Taking good with the pain, go a little insane
All we really want
Is someone to hold until we grow old
And no matter what (No matter)
Can’t be scared away

[Pre-Chorus]
Echoes of warnings
Like whispers of morning, like
It creeping through cracks in my memory
It’d make me lose my mind

[Chorus]
But every time I close my eyes
It’s calling in like a siren
Threatening to come alive
Unless I pay the price, yeah
But if my heart is right this time
And I can finally bear my secrets
Maybe you won’t run and hide
But love the monster inside me
[Bridge]
Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us
Now
Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us
Now
Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us
Now
Echoes of warnings like
Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us now
Echoes of warnings like
Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us now

[Chorus]
But every time I close my eyes
It’s calling in like a siren
Threatening to come alive
Unless I pay the price, yeah
But every time I close my eyes
It’s calling in like a siren
Threatening to come alive
Unless I pay the price, yeah
But if my heart is right this time
And I can finally bear my secrets
Maybe you won’t run and hide
But love the monster inside me

My 2 Cents –
I have always fought the stigma of my mental health. I am a survivor. That being said, sometimes the labels are easier to fight than others. Now I am trying to help my teenager fight them. She wants to write horror. She is into the creepy and dark. When she told her therapist that (New therapist) the therapist tried to claim that she was homicidal. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She is a gentle soul with a rich imagination. She wants to write dark stories so she is apparently Homicidal. I raised all kinds of hell with the office. The supervisor talked to my daughter and agreed that the therapist was way off base. So I am left with a wonderful beginning writer who is struggling because of labels. Seems to me that the world wants to label madness too easily and the monsters that truly exist are allowed too much leeway. so today at least I think I love the monster inside me and will revel in the beauty in chaos.

Vacation and then what

Those who follow me probably noticed that I have been awol for a few days – nearly two weeks… That is because I went on a vacation. I visited my parents, my brother, and my son and his youngest son. The poem in the picture is one that I wrote as a child and my dad held onto. Next week I will be back to posting, and I am hoping to be back on track… But I wanted to enjoy the family time, as it is a rare beast.

Thursday Tea Party

Hiya lovelies! Today is a simple black tea with honey kind of day. Today is a light news day. I find myself sitting here with no announcements to share. I do realize how rare that is.

It makes me wonder that most Thursdays I have so much to say. We have been doing this tea party for most of 2019, and this is the first time I have been without any announcements to impart.

Next week I am probably not going to post on Thursday. Here in America, next Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day of indulgence where we are supposed to be grateful for all of the blessings in our lives. Grateful, I am. Even if some days gratitude comes at a price of self-doubt and self introspection.

However it is usually a day of family and food. I plan on enjoying both.

Tuesday Tunes

I always have a wide variety of choices for music to pick from. My music tastes literally run from classical to heavy metal and everything in between. That being said… I am only chosing one per week to discuss. This week I am choosing a cover song. I admit that I never heard the original. I dunno if I would like it as much. I am a big Supernatural fan. It is what got me listening to the song to start with.

Brother (as sung by Jensen Ackles)

Lyrics :

Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong, but
It’s your love that brings me home

My two cents :

Not all family is blood. Not everyone has blood family that they are close to. I have a decent, albeit somewhat distant, relationship with my own sibling. The distant is a physical thing. We chose homes in states hours from each other. So I miss him. To me this song talks about the type of relationship that you never need to question. I have had very few of this type in my life. I can count on one hand how many. Jensen really has an amazing voice and he sings this with so much emotion. Even if you have never seen the show the video will feel like you are seeing family.

Time flies

Tuesday I did a “date” with my teenage daughter. This is time for her and I where she is the absolute center of my attention. Don’t get me wrong… She always has my attention. However, as mom, there is a million things that have my attention. Our dates are where dad, house, writing, and other assorted hats that I wear are thrown in the closet for the time we are together. This time we watched some television (her choice of shows) and made bath bombs.

Bath bombs are apparently more her craft than mine. She was brilliant with the crafting. Hers stayed together better, and generally were neater.

Making bath bombs were easy and fun. The recipe we used was:

1 cup baking soda

1/2 cup Epsom salts

1/2 cup citric acid

1/2 cup corn starch

1 tbsp water

1 tbsp mineral oil

1 tsp essential oil

4-6 drops food color

She made some neat variation in the color of the bombs. I only had picked up a very basic mold set as I was unsure whether or not we would enjoy it or not. She wants to continue with crafting them, so I have been eyeballing some other equipment on Amazon.

Y’all would not believe the mess this made. My dining room is covered in a layer of dust.

Black food coloring comes out a dark green.

You really have to put some pressure on the mold to get the bombs to hold together. There is a definite need for patience with this.

I was responsible for the “half ” bombs. One I made split after being set to the side to dry. The bombs need to sit for 48 hours to dry.

Mistakes were made. But isn’t that part of the fun?

The drying rack at the end of the making. All in all the bath bombs were not incredibly expensive to make. Walmart carries many of the supplies cheaply. It was a fun adventure with my girl.

Talking Tuesday

I got a late birthday present from my mom. She waited until she visited two weeks after my birthday to find out what I wanted. Honestly I can blame my Aunt for the choice of gifts. My aunt read Serena’s Zombie… And just discovered Audible. She asked why I was not doing audiobook options. I explained that the set-up for audiobooks was slightly out of my price range. Mom had me look at the cost again. Turned out that Amazon had a really nice Microphone that was within her budget. She ordered it immediately. It came in yesterday. Now I have to decide which book to start with.

Poetry is a fun option for audiobook. So are the kid’s books. Serena’s Death of Neverland or Zombie are both needing the treatment. And Draft 2 digital works with audible and all of the other places to get audiobooks. I will have to learn about the recording process.

Tell me which book you think that I should do first? I plan to do all of them eventually.