Today my youngest turns 18. The first picture was of her at around 6 months, the second at 16. (She still looks much the same) I was given the gift of a lifetime in her. I am grateful. Happy Birthday Gabrielle, and may you enjoy many more.
So… My grandma used to call catalogs wish books. And a little wishing never hurt. Amazon is an online version of those wish books… So I made a birthday wishlist! 😂 My birthday is Friday the 13th. And I am celebrating y’all.
I’m not usually one to do family pictures and such… But I am feeling my age today. Tomorrow my youngest turns sweet 16. She is amazing. She loves gaming and horror. She is very into the goth aesthetic. She takes no crap off of anyone. She is Badass at discovering new music, and creative as all get out.
My eldest (far right) is 30 and has two growing boys of his own. He is a volunteer fire fighter. He is hard working and a good father.
The third was my middle child. I was unable to keep him. I chose to give him up for adoption. I have been lucky enough that he has welcomed me back into his life as a friend. He is a delightful young man who is starting a good life. He writes poetry as well.
I am incredibly blessed with the 3 of them. And as I am looking at my youngest growing up on me… I think that I want to take the day in introspection.
Today I chose an older song. It’s temporally appropriate. Today, twenty one years ago, I made the choice that the song talks about. Today he is 21. Happy Birthday.
He would be 16.
She gets in her car,
October Friday night.
Home from work down
thirty-one, past Franklin
High.
She can see the
stadium lights, she can hear
the band. A thousand crazy
high school kids screamin’
in the stands.
Quarter-back and home-
coming queen, love to young
to know what it means.
She goes back in time oh in
her mind, its like a dream.
Chorus:
He would be sixteen. The son she
never knew. It hurt so much to
give him up, but what else could she do?
He would be sixteen.
A child should have a home.
she knows her folks were right.
She never heard the couples name,
just that they were nice.
She wonders if he’s taller than his father was?
Does he drive a car by now?
Has he been in love?
She shakes back to relatity.
She knows things turn out the way
they should be. But she just can’t
help but ask herself; does he know about me?
Chorus:
He would be sixteen. The son she
never knew. It hurt so much to give him
up, but what else could she do?
He would be sixteen.
She never even got to hold him!
And nights like this it hurts to miss
the son shes never seen.
He would be sixteen.
He would be sixteen.
(lyrics end)
Adoption is not an easy choice. I at the time felt like I was giving him his best chance. It was my own decision… However, it affected so many. I have been lucky, I have been able to know my child. He is an amazing young man. Still, I could have ended up like the girl in this song.
Last week Wednesday was the best response. I figured I would do a similar thing again. My birthday is next week and I don’t know if the blog will update on the 13th. Depends upon if I am able to get it scheduled ahead. The rest is either funny or something that caught my attention. Lol blessed day to you all.
Words have power… Sometimes more than we realize. Take the title of this post for an example. It is a Gaelic word for silence. Yet, when spoken silence is broken.
Too many times we speak with no regard for those who hear. We react to our own version of things. It is a flaw in how human beings are made. We are tender underneath. We react when we are in pain, and we are not always nice. I, myself, have been guilty of this. If I were honest, the only regrets I have in life were just that. Speaking from a place of my own pain, without consideration for who I may have hurt in the process.
This quote has been popping up in my life a lot lately. Though I don’t know who said it. It has made me think. Yes, I am crazy. The muddled mind of a half mad poet and all…. But I don’t try to be cruel. I make mistakes. I apologize. But I also try to learn. I am trying to practice ciunas. The silence. The pause.
Some days I need to practice it so I don’t hurt me. Your inner voice is just as easily able to harm as your outer voice can. Only there it just adds to the bleeding. I think that is the hard part… Silencing that damn inner voice.
I struggle with mine. I know that my friends see me as better than I see myself. I asked for a gift for my birthday this year. It will be in two weeks on the thirteenth. I asked for my friends and family to tell me what they liked about me and what irked them. I got five comments. One was a joke (I think, with the guy in question it may have been serious) about more “nekkid pics.” Two couldn’t think of an irksome quality. The other two… Well both of them said the only thing that irked them about me was my self doubt. Self doubt is one of any artist’s sharpest blades.
I think that I am going to try to pack mine in the back of the drawer. It is time to be the artist who I was meant to be. I will today tell the inner voice “Ciúnas! ” and I suggest that you do the same.
Pattimouse 