Tag: ambition

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Book covers and ambitious ideas

Ok. April is likely to be a very busy time. National poetry month usually sees me posting poetry posts on here daily as I do the P. A. D. Challenge. I also plan on doing a daily prompt for the Fae corps Blog. It is also going to be when we are starting a call for submissions on two different anthologies. Fae Dreams… Poetry, art, and short stories with a theme of goals, plans, and dreams. (We recieved one too many submissions for Through the Sunshine and offered a guaranteed spot in this to the author). And Nightmare Whispers, a group of horror stories. This one is a tribute to where we started.

I am working on editing the stories submitted for Through the Sunshine, and compilation of Birchwood Grove Gazette. We are doing the basic edits… Then we give the author time to do their own edits. After we recieve the polished story we finalize the formatting of the final anthology. We have to get it all ready by the middle of May for release in June.

My partner and I discussed delaying Fae Dreams. We may still. I have to see how things go. I don’t know yet how ambitious we are going to be. We have ideas for a thriller themed anthology as well, though the title and cover have not been forthcoming from our muses so far.

I am proud to claim that the above covers are my creations. I think that I am really getting better at this. Keep an eye on the Fae Corps Blog, as that is where any official announcement will be. This is mostly me doing mental meandering.