old english assignments and the philosophical thoughts they bring

my High school sucked, but there were a few bright spots among the teaching staff. the english teacher, Mrs. Latta, was fond of cows and had a way of making you think. she assigned a journal entry to us once that i was recently reminded of. “What would you like to be remembered for?” basically, if I were to die tomorrow, what would i like to be remembered for? The only thing i could think of then kinda holds true now. I would want to be remembered for being a nice person. nothing fancy i suppose, but that is alot of who i am. I would love to say i am always nice, but i won’t lie that way even to myself. I want to be a loving mother (really a good mom, but hey you can’t always be the worlds best parent. no one can.) A gamer of high skill (yeah i know, but i can dream, can’t i?) a poet with extraordinary talent. ( ok so mediocre is more likely…) but mostly as someone who was nice and fun and occasionally talented. if nothing else it is a reachable goal. so i ask each of my friends…

What would you like to be remembered for? good or bad… just one thing you would like the world to remember about you.

strength of mind and strength of heart.

I am afraid i am feeling quixotic today. Been trying to clean my house which seems like it has been getting worse instead of better. Also running around doing errands,  and I find i am getting very little done. the more i do, the more there is. and all i wanna do is take a nap.
Days like this i want nothing but a strength boost.  as all it seems like is my energy is sapped away from me. prolly my overactive imagination…. but still a nap sounds lovely………

Stop Thief!

Ok my angel stole my toast this morning. She has been sick all day with a sniffle. She looked at me when i said i wanted my toast back. she smiled and said that “mommy’s toast will make me better” ok so she stole my heart as well. just had to share the cuteness of the toast thief….

memory lane and its potholes

found a 80’s site today. made me nostalgic. for me that is always dangerous. i remember working the summers during the 80’s. i worked on a tobacco farm for an old man who wanted to see what was in the jeans i always wore. i had a friend who worked with me. i wonder where she is now. I had a love affair with hair bands, and at the time i had a figure. i remember running away from home. I hitched from LaPlata Maryland to my cousins place in Alexandria Virginia. I was twelve and had no idea what kind of danger i put myself in. I remember being flattered when the guy who picked me up thought i was nineteen and was flirting with me. I was so unafraid of the world outside. there was nothing there that could be worse than what i lived with. I kind of want back the innocence i had then. I was not as afraid of walking where i needed to go. i carried a butterfly and i knew how to use it. Joe was so frightened for me when i started seeing him, as i was unafraid of going out for a walk at 3am or whenever. I had lived in Alexandria. I was used to walking in an area with a very high crime rate. I am in some ways sorry i let his fears scare me. I know he worries because he cares. but i miss being unafraid to leave home without a reason. i want the stability of a home, but i am a bit of a kin to the westward wind on occasion. i need to stretch and fly. as i said am pondering the past. makes me feel old. I have lived 32 years. i have in those 32 years lived several lifetimes. I have worked on a farm, i am mother to three children. I have survived several bad situations, i have looked down the barrel of a gun and felt no fear. I told him to shoot. not because i wanted to die, but because i want to see death coming. I died once. i drowned and was dead for a full minute before i was revived. I never want to think that death is a bad thing, just a new adventure. yet i am not ready to die, as there is alot of possibilities still here. plus my daughter still needs me. I have seen the U.S.A from the cab of a big rig. I have used a urinal (no other option and pregnancy made me have no choice in this) I have wrote poetry and dreamed impossible dreams, I have done many things that i won’t list here. and i learned i can cook. I make my own bread. this to me was the biggest surprise. and now at 32 i am thinking seriously of going to college and making one of those impossible dreams reality.I am probably out of my mind. and if you read about them locking up some crazy woman who thought she could do life and failed, wellll then you know i didn’t do what i planned. but who knows. if i did all this, why can’t i do school too??

Looky what i did.

grr I hate Jk Rowling….

dammit she killed another favorite character. Dobby was so fun, why was it needed to kill him off? why not Kreacher?  Not through the whole thing yet but had to cuss a bit,

Serves me right for reading ahead, but i can’t sleep without joe here. so was looking for a reason to kill time. should have stuck with the barbara micheals book i am in the middle of. but the plot on that one is slow starting. her books are really good but the plot doesn’t start till four chapters of character development go by. so when i am tired already her books just drag on…. although i severly recommend “Ammie Come Home” by Barbara Micheals. it is an exquisite ghost story. gotta love the good ones.

humor in it’s proper place

ohhhh baaadddd lol

An encounter with stupidity

We took angel to the park and there was two women sitting there chatting. And three children obviously in their care. I paid them little mind at first as i was taking pictures of angel playing. We took joe’s lunchbag filled with drinks as it was a hot day. I set the bag in the grass close by us. I looked around and the smallest of the children was digging in our drink bag. I told him “get out of that. It is not yours!” and the mother snapped at me “he is only two he knows no better” I told her that perhaps she should be watching her kids instead of talking to her friend. she told her kid that he did nothing wrong and stormed off calling me names. I went back to playing with my girl, and the lady went to the other play area. apparently the fact that i was not getting mad and leaving the playground bothered her, as after five minutes, she gathered her pissy self and her kids and got in her car. before she pulled off she yelled ” Thanks For ruining our time”. Some people really should be banned from having kids. I mean i can’t see letting angel get into other peoples things, and i sure would not get mad like that at someone who was just telling her no. I could understand if i attacked her kid or something like that, but all i did was tell him NO.

goofy girls and early mornings

well i was up at 830 ok odd for me but i had an appointment at 930 and wanted to be more alert than …huh? lol anyway appointment was delayed till 1045 so i have had time for some housework. girl woke up shortly after i did and came out with hugs and cuddles and I love yous. i so wish joe were here for it. however then it would be daddy getting them instead of me. now she is over on my bed jumping around and just being silly. I am feeling rather upbeat despite the cabin fever. joe is planning on taking me to a movie a month over the next few months if we can get a babysitter. (had to scare the girl, she hid in my blankets lol) yesterday to keep her out of the shrubs at the hospital i told her there were spiders in them. she is afraid of spiders and spiderwebs. she continued to tell me about the spiders and spiderwebs for the rest of our wait. she is very imaginative. it tickles me sometimes to see how smart she is. others it worries me. what if everyone is right and she is alot like i was, then how do i keep her safe? how do i keep the predators away?? ok so i am slightly paranoid. however i learned the hard way that some paranoia is healthy. it is a survival instinct. but i don’t want her to merely survive. I want her to flourish.and to be happy. is that to much to ask??ok enough rambling before the men in the clean white coats come….
 

a shoot down

as i was feeling down due to my mom’s silence and the fact that my therapist still seems to be refusing to call me with my first appointment, i posted on an “abuse” group looking for someone to tell me i wasn’t alone. there are times when i am sure the only people who would miss me if i disappeared were online. anyway i received a message saying that my post was refused by the moderators because their group was to deal with abuse issues. for me that is an issue that stems from my abuse. and yet it is not good enough…so yet again i fail to make the cut of another’s expectations….then he included suicide hotlines. who said i was suicidal? i just needed to know i count somewhere. i guess that is too much to ask. it’s enough to make me wonder why bother to even try when it comes to some of the online groups how is telling my mental problems to others going to help me or them? I should know better as it only ends with me in tears every time. this is my second Lj as i had to give up the other one because of someone continuously attacking me and making me feel foolish for “whining” about my issues that were bouncing around in my brain and making me wonder if i was sane. so i left off, and i found it was easier to have the journal and have the outlet than to bottle it up. now i wonder if it is worth exposing my self to the headache and heart break.i dunno maybe i am making too big a deal after all.