In the loneliness

here i sit uncertain and alone,
Planning uncertainty
for so little is known.
Hearing the negative,
so loud inside my head,
Tossing and turning.
can’t go to bed.

Those who should praise me
Do naught but to doubt,
Those who should see me,
For them i am not really around.
Invisible and struggling.
Sinking when I should swim,
The ocean of doubt crashes within
The struggle about
Just trying to begin.

I know better than to hear
The darkness within
I know i am better than I ever
possibly have been.
Yet in the loneliness,
Deep in the night,
That is when the voice within
is hardest to fight,
when no one is there
to help fight it off.
no one is there to remind you
of the cost

How has the times changed…

I remember as a Preteen hating to wear my hair short. I have always been bulky and slightly tomboyish. So I was picked on because apparently I looked like a boy…even though I had breasts. So I always wore my hair long back then. I fought for the ability to wear it long. Tonight I had a talk with my preteen daughter. She fights to wear her hair short (because it requires less care). I asked her if she gets picked on because of her hair. Her response was that she doesn’t get picked on, apparently she is invisible.
I guess in these times of gender neutrality it makes sense. I was her age in 1988…so many things have changed in that time. There are other differences as well. In my daughter’s time there is so many more hazards that were either not there or not obvious when I was her age. I remember the struggles and try to use that when dealing with her, but even with that memory it is so different for her than it was for me, so there are times when the generation gap feels like a chasm.

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Technology is both blessing and bane

        Last night i had the most horrific thing happen….my Phone died. Now understand….My cell phone was basically a tablet…i used it for everything. It was my calendar,  my communication, my camera, my kindle, texting,  my writing tool, and my gaming device. Everything except a phone. I may loose progress on some of my writing because of this. I have a laptop that i borrow from my boyfriend. It is a older model, windows xp laptop. It is missing the backspace, the tab and the m keys. It so doesn’t have the CPU or the hard drive space to do much more than simple programs…however until i can replace my tablet…i have no choice. I am not out on the streets broke, but there is no extra money. I am scraping to try and get a vehicle, and of course my microwave broke as well. So yes, i cannot afford the extra expense of a tablet. Which for me means suffering to write on this crappy laptop. It means dealing with the extra headache of accessing WordPress through an android emulator because the browsers on this laptop seem to have issues with most pages. It means in order to blog or even try and update my author page on Facebook I will have to sit down and actually fight this beast. So though i am enjoying the blogging and enjoying the spurt of writing i have been doing lately, it means life will likely interfere a wee bit more. Please bear with me. I will update, but it may not be daily. I am going to get me  another tablet, it just may take me some time.   thank you for understanding, or i am sorry if you don’t. This is just how my life goes.

Elizabeth. Chapter two

            Suzanne stared blankly at the yellowing paper. Surprise too mild to describe the thoughts she was having, she quickly sat and reread the framed  handwritten note. Looking around at the artifacts in the attic, she decided she had to know what happened to this poor girl. She left the rest of the artifacts for later.
               Having inherited gram’s old house was going to be more interesting than she thought. Running her fingers through her red hair, she smiled and hurried to the phone. Quickly finding the number she needed, she felt impatience as all she reached was a voice mail. “Joe, this is Suzanne. Remember the joke about the museum inheriting when I did? Well, I doubt it is a joke. I need you to find someone. A girl from 1498 England. Elizabeth, last name unknown. Noble, probably accused of witchcraft. Red Hair and noted for healing the ill. Need I say asap?”  Frustrated she looked at the mirror above the phone. What else could she do to find this girl? Research was never her specialty. That was why she employed Joe. She looked over the image in the mirror and wondered what the connection was. Could she be finding family history? The tempestuous storm of emotions raged in her green eyes. 
               Shaking her head, she glared at the phone as if it could make Joe call sooner. Well she thought, nothing to be solved by staring at the phone all day. Grabbing her cell and the cordless, she went back to the attic in hopes of finding more documents or other info to go on.
                   “Gram sure left me a mess” she grumbled to herself. Feeling uneasy about where this was going, she tried to put the hesitation about the attic out of her mind. Taking the stairs to the attic in twos, her long legs quickly covered the space back to where she was. Glancing around for something of interest, her eyes landed on a half-covered painting in the rear of the attic. Curiosity poked her until she walked to it and took the paper off. The eyes that looked back at her were as green as her own. Flaming hair and soft features, beauty indeed. Yet the eyes held a sadness, as though the owner had seen hell and lived through it. The portrait frame had a small plaque. Baroness Elizabeth West 1500 AD. Suzanne was captivated by the possibilities as the phone began it’s jangle. Three times it rang before she clicked the button to answer. “Go” she barked distractedly. “Well Sue, found her. Easier than your usual requests. She was a baroness on a isle east of Ireland. She was apparently the daughter of a minor lord before the trial. Seems there was a scandal about her escape from prison. The official paperwork actually listed her as not only a witch but as being wanted by the british police for sentencing.” Joe recapped. “If ya want I can fax it all to ya. I guess the Irish nobility didn’t look too closely at who they married. Huh?” Sighing Sue replied “Sure send it. Thanks Joe.”  Joe was quicker than usual Suzanne thought. She made a mental note to thank him for the research more financially later. There was so many questions. Her writer’s mind was already trying to piece the puzzle of this obvious ancestor together. The similarity in appearance was stunning. Trying to sit, she accidentally bumped a box. The box toppled over revealing several large books.
She knelt down and started looking the books over. “Hmm, Journals? I wonder. I think I will move this box and any like it downstairs. This is a form of research which even I can enjoy.”

Crafting

            Crafting for me is a form of stress relief.  Then again I come from a crafty family.  My paternal grandmother did ceramics,  doll furniture,  and candy. My father works with leather.  My mother does beautiful Quilts and used to macrame. My maternal grandmother crotcheted, sewed, knitted and did plastic canvas.  I am all over the spectrum.  I do jewelry making,  crotchet, plastic canvas,  clay, metal & wood  working…. and some sewing ( mostly mending). I have always wanted to throw pots, but the equipment was more than i could afford.
          I always am amazed by people who do no crafting. How do they calm their minds?  How do they afford the decorations of life? Don’t get me wrong,  i am not saying there is anything wrong with not crafting.  I just cannot imagine life without it. I also am amazed by people who came before.  I use you tube and pinterest to teach myself how to do new techniques.  My grandmother was self taught from books.  And excelled at what she did. What crafts do you do?

Links to Woodland Adventures books!

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Snowdrops

After midnight,
Staring out the window.
Softly drifting white,
Covering all within my sights.
Hesitant to enjoy
Such a coldly pretty view,
For fear of embracing
Even something new.

Soft snoring emanating
From yet a few feet away,
Reminding me only
Of tomorrow’s busy day.

Asleep,  should i be
Not starting through
A quiet,  cold night,
Wondering what i might
Begin to plan and make.

Abuse

         Okay I have put this one on hold.  And that is because it isn’t an easy topic.  I survived. And I am far from the only one. So It isn’t a topic I feel comfortable with.  It’s not a topic anyone should feel comfortable with. 
          Before I get any farther into this topic…. if you are being abused,  get help. If you are feeling suicidal because of all you have suffered call 
1 (800) 273-8255. It’s a hotline.
                 There are so many forms of abuse.  And there is even forms of self abuse.  As I really don’t want to go too far into most of them for the possibly triggering effects it can have on those reading this. 
        The thing about abuse is though it can take many forms,  it always has the same effects.  Damage to the mind and body and souls of those who are abused.  The survivors often feel alone and anxious. Please if you have survived…know you aren’t alone.

C topics.

                Yes, i plan to finish the “B” topics…. but I finished my list so I felt like posting it.

Candy
Cats
Cartoons
Class
Coping
Crafting
Chores
Children
Chastity,  charity and other esoteric ideas
Comic books,  and strips
Community