For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I just changed my profile picture back to this one. It is a good picture, in my opinion. But I had a good friend tell me I should smile more… I am far prettier when I smile…. well I am smiling in this picture. But it doesn’t reach my eyes. Because I was nervous when I took the picture, the smile is a plastic thing. Forced for the picture. My grandma Ethel used to tell me that she hated my pictures because the smile never reached my eyes. This picture fits that discription.
I don’t want to be pretty. I don’t care if anyone sees me as such. However it was bugging me that she said that I should smile, as I was smiling. That is when I remembered what Grandma said. I still think it’s a good picture. I feel like I am androgynous in it. Which I love. I don’t really understand a lot about gender and the binary of it. But I don’t have to. I can be comfortable with myself and not really understand what I am.
This week I am going to talk about book covers. These are for future volumes of Poetry. At this point I am probably sitting on more covers than I will live to write…but I have plans for each of them. And I enjoy the creation of the cover.
Occult Madness will be religious poetry. Ocular Dystopia will be visual poetry. Naked verse is just going to be a regular volume with no theme.
I have this year struggled to find a therapist. I wish I could say it is all my doing that is causing this disconnect. At least then I could point the finger and go…This is what I need to fix. I wish I could just heal my mind and never need therapy again. (I literally just had a therapist accuse me of wanting to be broken because it was all I have ever known. I can’t even explain to her what damage she added to me.)
Some days are better than others.
Some days I fight and find myself actually happy. I enjoy the moments that life gives me…I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy the moments where I do something and it feels like I am doing it right.
The problem is those moments are not as often as I need them to be.
The other problem is I don’t have the people I need to share those moments with.
I have friends. I have family. I just don’t want to bother them. So I am lonely. In the fishbowl of the internet.
Today…
Perhaps I am a little more willing to show the vulnerability, and say that having mental health issues sucks.
[Intro] (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) Feelin’ like a psychofreak-freak-freak (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra) (Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra)
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is hard
[Verse 1] Sometimes, I don’t trust the way I feel On my Instagram talkin’ ’bout “I’m healed” Worryin’ if I got sex appeal Hopin’ that I don’t drive off this hill When we’re makin’ lovе, I wanna be there And I wanna feel you pullin’ my hair And bеlieve the words you say in my ear Gotta go outside, I need some air
[Pre-Chorus] I want to, want to, want to touch you Want to touch you, but my fingertips are numb I want to, want to, want to love you Want to love you, but my chest is tightenin’ up I want to, want to, want to feel like I can chill Not have to leave this restaurant Wish I could be like everyone But I’m not like anyone
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is hard
[Verse 2] Sorry, couldn’t focus on the movie Everybody says they miss the old me I been on this ride since I was fifteen I don’t blame the girls for how it went down, down Thinkin’ out loud In the bathroom while my friends laugh on the couch Wow, moment’s gone now Know you wanna stay, but I think I gotta leave right now
[Pre-Chorus] I want to, want to, want to touch you Want to touch you, but my fingertips are numb I want to, want to, want to love you Want to love you, but my chest is tightenin’ up I want to, want to, want to feel like I can chill Not have to leave this restaurant Wish I could be like everyone (Wish I could be) But I’m not like anyone
[Chorus] Feelin’ like a psychofreak sometimes Tryna get connected, no Wi-Fi Tell me that you love me, are you lying? Give me lemonade, I’ll give you limes House in the hills is a house of cards Blink and the fairytale falls apart Sorry, didn’t mean to get so dark Maybe I’m an alien, Earth is-
[Post-Chorus] Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Feelin’ like a psychofreak Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ra
My 2 Cents –
There is a lot of days where I feel alone, and like no one understands me. This song makes me feel less so…
The above image I found on Pinterest. I included the link to where it goes… but I used it as my muse. I drew what I saw… and this is what I came up with.
It is an adorable picture.
Is my art exactly the same? No. And I don’t want it to be. I think that I do pretty good with the drawing from an image without tracing it.
With each of the last few volumes I have been doing a theme… unintentionally but I have been doing it nonetheless. So, I have been struggling with this one and I think that I finally figured out why.
I have been trying to focus on the home aspect of the title… and the poetry is acceptable… but it has been harder to write because I don’t really know what home is. It changes as I do. And I can be mercurial in who I am on occasion.
I think that I need to instead look at the journey. And write about that. It might help me find the rest of the words to fill in the book. If I can get it done in time I will try for an August publishing date.
Pattimouse 