Category: pain

I am

I have always had issues with self image.

I am a poet.

I am a writer, published and paid.

I am a jewelry artist, who has made money.

I am an artist, for my own pleasure.

I am an attractive woman.

I am a mother. Of a full grown son and a preteen girl.

I am Momo (aka grandmother)

I am a computer geek who can program in C#

i am a game master who has been running games for nearly twenty years and has taught many to play.

I am a decent cook and a better baker Most of the time.

I am an intelligent and seeking mind.

I am a blogger.

I am occasionally funny.

I am a voracious reader.

I am a good listener, A fair friend, and a devoted girlfriend.

I am Loyal to a fault.

I am usually kind.

i am usually honest.

I try to be generous, i try to be understanding and i try to be a good friend.

Yet i fight the feeling of failure and fight feeling a lack of worth…

because even though i am all of those things…

some days it feels like all that i am is worthless in the grand scheme of life.

And the worst part is I know I am not alone in how I feel….

Don’t Blame Me

You see the darkness

That has seeped into my soul,

And fear the same that

Resides within you.

Do not hold me to blame

For seeing what you

Dare not.

Explore yourself,

And see what lies within.

Embrace it all

And fear it not,

For no part of who you are

Is meant to frighten.

I speak what lies

Within the human soul,

Within the human heart.

Those words are torn from

Experience that was hardest won.

Do not hold me to blame

For seeing what you

Dare not.

When you walk along

The path that I was forced to crawl,

And hold your head to the sky,

When I could barely see into another’s eyes.

Do not think to judge that escape

That the truth has wrought.

For in this life the truth

Is the only tool that I was allowed.

Sanity

A conversation with a friend earlier has all sorts of interesting thoughts going through my head. I am a survivor. My idiosyncrasies all have solid reasons. Yes I am extremely claustrophobic. I was once locked in the trunk of a car and told I would die there. So I earned that fear. Sanity really is dependant on how you view things. I am for all I can be sane….However I have lived through enough to make me wary of somethings. So there are people who would question my mental states. Not all who are insane are such truly, most have been made that way by living a difficult life. Before you judge the behaviours another displays, ask yourself if you know their entire story. Sometimes instead of judging, offer a kind word. You might make a difference.   In today’s society I fear many are less than sane. It is because so many end up suffering.

If you are suffering and feeling alone…please reach out for help.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

 

Fear

fear /fir/
noun
plural noun: fears
1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
  1. “drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby’s murder”
    synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation,dread, consternation, dismay, distress;

    anxiety, worry, angst, unease,uneasiness, apprehension, apprehensiveness, nervousness, nerves,perturbation, foreboding;
    informalthe creeps, the shivers, the willies,the heebie-jeebies, jitteriness, twitchiness, butterflies (in the stomach)
    “he felt fear at entering the house”
    informal hang-up
    “she overcame her fears”
verb
3rd person present: fears
  1. be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
    “he said he didn’t care about life so why should he fear death?”
    synonyms: be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of;

    be anxious about, worry about, feel apprehensive about
    “she feared her husband”
    have a phobia about, have a horror of, take fright at
    “he fears heights”

    We all have them. Some are more prominent than others. I am doing some research on fears as one of my stories are dealing with fear currently. I also researched it for personal reasons.  My fears have a logical reasons behind them. I logically understand that I have nothing to be afraid of. Still my fears exist, and on occasion they take control of my life. It means no closing myself into little rooms. No getting locked in someplace I cannot get out of. For all the logic of knowing why, I cannot seem to overcome it with logic. So I am curious…what are your fears? And what do you do to overcome?

the muse’s bite

I have at least three novels i am trying to finish at the moment. so I am trying to avoid starting any new stories.  then a steampunk/post apocalyptic story started in my head two days ago. I have not been able to thing of anything else since. I wrote some on elizabeth, fighting off this new story….and ended up with a headache for my trouble. I am amazed at how insistent the muse can be at times.  I am also amazed how absent it can be. The hole that is left when the muse sleeps is painful.

Add to the whimsy that is my muse, is the technical issues of my phone dying. I am not making excuses, just saying that the mobility of the phone made it easier to write. So now when the muse strikes i have to find the laptop or paper. Paper used to be abundant in my home. Not in years though. So i have to fight with an overburdened laptop that is missing keys. (seriously the tab key, the backspace key and the “m” key are missing from the laptops keyboard). It has very little memory and is running win Xp. It’s not mine, it belongs to Joe (my best friend/lover). So i dare not change the  OS. (it would be Linux if i could).  So i gave into the Muse tonight. I wrote over 350 words (and still counting) on the new story.  I may decide that what i wrote is garbage and go in and rewrite it completely. Still for now, I have now four stories to complete and the eternal current volume of poetry. I really love my muse…even though days are there when i truly hate my muse…

In the loneliness

here i sit uncertain and alone,
Planning uncertainty
for so little is known.
Hearing the negative,
so loud inside my head,
Tossing and turning.
can’t go to bed.

Those who should praise me
Do naught but to doubt,
Those who should see me,
For them i am not really around.
Invisible and struggling.
Sinking when I should swim,
The ocean of doubt crashes within
The struggle about
Just trying to begin.

I know better than to hear
The darkness within
I know i am better than I ever
possibly have been.
Yet in the loneliness,
Deep in the night,
That is when the voice within
is hardest to fight,
when no one is there
to help fight it off.
no one is there to remind you
of the cost

How has the times changed…

I remember as a Preteen hating to wear my hair short. I have always been bulky and slightly tomboyish. So I was picked on because apparently I looked like a boy…even though I had breasts. So I always wore my hair long back then. I fought for the ability to wear it long. Tonight I had a talk with my preteen daughter. She fights to wear her hair short (because it requires less care). I asked her if she gets picked on because of her hair. Her response was that she doesn’t get picked on, apparently she is invisible.
I guess in these times of gender neutrality it makes sense. I was her age in 1988…so many things have changed in that time. There are other differences as well. In my daughter’s time there is so many more hazards that were either not there or not obvious when I was her age. I remember the struggles and try to use that when dealing with her, but even with that memory it is so different for her than it was for me, so there are times when the generation gap feels like a chasm.

Abuse

         Okay I have put this one on hold.  And that is because it isn’t an easy topic.  I survived. And I am far from the only one. So It isn’t a topic I feel comfortable with.  It’s not a topic anyone should feel comfortable with. 
          Before I get any farther into this topic…. if you are being abused,  get help. If you are feeling suicidal because of all you have suffered call 
1 (800) 273-8255. It’s a hotline.
                 There are so many forms of abuse.  And there is even forms of self abuse.  As I really don’t want to go too far into most of them for the possibly triggering effects it can have on those reading this. 
        The thing about abuse is though it can take many forms,  it always has the same effects.  Damage to the mind and body and souls of those who are abused.  The survivors often feel alone and anxious. Please if you have survived…know you aren’t alone.

Body positivity

                This topic is one i fully support.  Now understand,  even though i am a big girl,  it’s all bodies and body types i think we need to be positive of. No one should feel ugly for not fitting a certain body type. Unfortunately,  as a society,  we fail our children.  We teach them to worry about appearance far more than we should.  There is starting to be a movement that is helping.  Tess Holiday and her #effyourbeautystandards. However many see it as a fat positive movement.   While yes it is, it is also about beauty in all forms.  It’s about no longer judging anyone based on appearance alone. My daughter is twelve.  She is chubby.  And so I have had to work hard to have her with a good self esteem.  She really is beautiful.

image

  However because of the beauty standards of others,  she doesn’t feel like she is. So yes,  as a woman,  as a mother of a beautiful girl,  I really like the body positive movement.  Every body has flaws. Every body is beautiful.  It’s really all in how you look at it.

Madness is subjective

image

                         Life has a funny way of pushing forward,  no matter how we want to stop and reevaluate.  I have spent a significant portion of my life considering sanity.  Afraid of being mad, and trying to prevent that slide into deeper pockets of madness.  I joke that I am as sane as I have ever been… but to be honest I am not sure sanity is something that truly exists.  I think as a whole the human race has slowly been decending into a state of madness.  We put such a stigma on it.  Just in America there are millions who suffer….yes millions.  a statistics site about mental health. So why do we make these people feel worse for their suffering?  I think it’s a form of fear.  We fear what similarity we see in them.  So we push it away.  Instead, we should try to understand that which drives the mind down such different paths.