my desk is piled high and I am desperately trying trying to get caught up.
I am so far behind because of the flare that I am struggling to keep from sending my body back in to a meltdown state.
so I may not be able to meet deadlines. I am going to try. but I am not aiming to be down again.
To be honest I did not know what to say this week.
How often can you complain about the same thing before even you start to see it as just whining? And that is often the thing with chronic illness…we end up feeling like we are whining. No one wants to hear that it hurts for the millionth time. We can’t do anything that remotely feels useful.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is interested in the dribble I do have to say. Then I think about it and realize that it doesn’t matter. I still need to speak my truth. I still have to get up and fight every day. Giving up is not in the cards.
So, Though I really didn’t know what to say today…I wanted to at the very least say HI. I Exist!
Politics are a nasty thing. They always have been. I take after my grandmother where politics are concerned and I am fairly proud of that.
She didn’t read newspapers or watch the news because she didn’t want to feel any worse about the way things were. I don’t do either, but nowadays all a person has to do is open social media and they will find themselves bombarded with current events.
Quite a few of my friends are talking about taking social media breaks because of the mental health strain that comes with the current events. The problem is that for some of us social media is the only time we actually do socialize. Loneliness doesn’t help mental health issues.
This is why we need books and art. We need creative people to make the world less hard to accept. Music, movies, books and art bring the world a light and right now the world is so very dark.
So I will be doing my best to post more art, and make more poetry and stories to bring a light to the world. I ask everyone to do what they can to do the same.
So I posted about an anthology that Serena is in. It really is such a lovely book. The other authors are amazing…and I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong there. The story I wrote was decent…I am not going to claim it was awful or any crap like that. But there is an Introduction in the front of the book that lists that authors as the top horror and dark romance authors…And my brain goes ok now I am guilty of lying to these amazing people.
Imposter syndrome is such a tough thing to grapple with. Most of the best authors I know fight with it. It can seriously cripple even the best writer to a mess and make writing a defeated blank on an overthinking mind…
So, I am struggling with my own brain. I don’t want to accept the idea that I am unable to tell the stories locked inside the squishy lump calling itself my brain.
Lyrics –
Southern trees bear a strange fruit
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root
Black bodies swingin’ in the Southern breeze
Strange fruit hangin’ from the poplar trees
Pastoral scene of the gallant South
The bulgin’ eyes and the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolias sweet and fresh
Then the sudden smell of burnin’ flesh
Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck
For the rain to gather
For the wind to suck
For the sun to rot
For the tree to drop
Here is a strange and bitter crop
My 2 cents –
I hate the direction American politics have taken lately. I feel like the songs from the past are relevant again. Though the topic was not a good one, Billie Holiday had a gorgeous voice and made the song seem like such a beautiful thing. I am leaning into the older blues and jazz music lately…Because it seems to be relevant again…and that make me sad.
Lyrics –
There’s a devil inside me
Keep me close to your breath and your heart
White sands build these mountains, beauty at the start
Climb so high till your feet can’t touch the ground
Head so clouded, you’re right where I want you now
I become your medication Get off on numb sensation
Know every single weakness Bring out your inner demons
This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along
I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
Do you crave me, or am I just your escape?
From the darkness that resides inside your brain
Call me devil baby, but you know the truth
The only thing that you fear is you (It’s you)
I become your medication Get off on numb sensation
Know every single weakness
Breaking you down to pieces
This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
There’s a devil inside me
Head so clouded, you’re right where I want you know
This f **ing devil! This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
This f **ing devil’s white grip Is all I need from this
My 2 cents –
Ever get a song stuck in your head and not be able to put your fingers on what the song is? This was my song this week. All I had was the rhythm. Then the boyfriend randomly decided to play it. whew, that cleared the song from my mind.
Lyrics –
Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador
Is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’
Shining like a lighthouse from the sea
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Face down in the desert
Now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys
Where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry
I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong, but
It’s your love that brings me home
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
And when you call and need me near
Sayin’ where’d you go?
Brother, I’m right here
And on those days when the sky begins to fall
You’re the blood of my blood
We can get through it all
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re feelin’ low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
My 2 cents –
I am currently on a binge….
Lyrics –
You don’t know fear
Till it’s calling from behind
And the streets that are familiar
Seem to stretch out at night
They dragged her to the woods
They couldn’t leave Anne on her own
And the press paraded pictures
Of a dead Marylin Monroe
And I will always choose the bear
I will always choose the wolves
No matter what they do
They wouldn’t blame my clothes
And I would rather choose to die
Let my body decompose
Cuz even when you’re ash
They will never let you go no
Careful of the stranger
A face you’ve never met
You’ve seen them in your churches
they’re sleeping in your beds
And history will teach you
They were all such willing wives
Sacagawea was a child
When her body lost its rights
I will always choose the bear
I will always choose the wolves
No matter what they do
They wouldn’t blame my clothes
I would rather choose to die
Let my body decompose
Cuz even when you’re ash
They will never let you go
The waves let them take me
The walls let them fall It may not be many
But enough to doubt them all
And when I tell the beasts
All the things you would do
They would cry as well
And fear you too
I will always choose the bear
I will always choose the wolves
No matter what they do
They wouldn’t blame my clothes
I would rather choose to die
And let my body decompose
Cuz even when you’re ash
They will never let you go
I will always choose the bear
I will always choose the wolves
No matter what they do
They wouldn’t blame my clothes
I would rather choose to die
Let my body decompose
Cuz even when your ash
They will never let you go
Cuz even when your ash
They will never let you go,
no
My 2 cents –
I have been seeing a lot of feminine Rage songs appearing on the music scene. I can understand why…and I can relate to way too many of them. Still it is something that bothers me because it feels like we are going backwards as a country.
I have been trying to keep up. I really have. My health has decided to take the drop on me. I will be back to dealing with my normal juggling act when I get better. until then I will be doing my best to at least do the minimum.
This time of year is the hardest part of everything. The holiday season adds a lot of stress. I end up every year feeling burned out.
this is why I try to schedule less publishing work. I also don’t end up being able to get as much written as I want to in November.
I end up sick physically.
I end up sick psychologically.
it lasts until somewhere around February. By then I have a chance to catch my breath. I am still working on trying to not fall apart during this time of year.
And this year is worse because I see next year as being bad. So I am falling apart.
Pattimouse 