Category: pain

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lost Within by Fivefold

Lyrics

Crawl out of the hole you’re in
Who you are is not who you’ve been
Now’s the time to sink or swim
Will you fight the tide or get lost within
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
Iron bars are hell to break
Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?
Your whole life in a blank stare haze
You walk around like the end of days
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
I’m callin’ out to you
Can you hear me?
They can’t break you down
Let you hit the ground
I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long)
You’re feeling overwhelmed here
Drowned by the pain and the fear
The sun will come with the dawn
All you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul…
Get your soul…

My 2Cents –
Though this song sounds like it is about being depressed, And it most certainly is, I feel like it is about picking yourself back up when you are depressed. I have been here, and it feels impossible. then it doesn’t. Somehow you just survive, and you don’t know how you did it. but you did.

Headaches and heartbreaks

Today has been me hiding with a migraine. I peeked at social media to be surprised by a blast from the past. A young man who has been like a son to me shared this picture of me and my oldest son. My eldest is currently estranged because someone told him lies about me, and he believed them. So I have been heartbroken about it since thanksgiving… The picture was such a nice thing, even if he is not speaking to me. It reminded me of a time when he trusted me unconditionally.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics:
I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
No matter how I try I don’t know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain
With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you
I can’t believe the way you took me down
I never saw the pain
Coming in a million broken miles
Like poison in my veins
With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you
The hate and the fear
The nightmares that wake me up
In the tears
The nightmares and (the hate)…

My 2 Cents:
This song gets a bad rap I think. so many see it as emo. It is expressive and poetic. It feels like a song that I can relate to. sometimes that idea of taking a knife and cutting out the heart that wants to hang onto a toxic love…is strong.

It is the little things

This year the holidays stunk. Yeah I said it. It is so taboo to be miserable during December, because you feel like you are weighing everyone else down. Or you feel just freaking ungrateful.

I know that I am not alone in this. This year has weighed hard on so many. No ability to do big gatherings, or family meals, or the other traditional trappings of the holidays. So much of this year has been death and illness. And for me family distancing.

The holiday was just lacking. So I was playing video games with my youngest, and scrolling down Facebook occasionally when something caught my eye. Serena has her own Facebook. Well someone, another author, had told me that Serena’s Rust, Gore, and the Junkyard Zombie was on his Christmas wishlist. He tagged Serena in the comments of his gifts… He got it.

Seeing that tag just made me smile. It made my whole holiday better. Just knowing that book was wanted.

So till this year is gone, enjoy the little things. Don’t let it fall apart because the big things are missing. Enjoy what you can. I hope that each of you find a little thing that brings joy this season.

Tools, Skills, and other follys

Tools, something that are different depending upon the user. Each person may have different skills depending upon the tools that they have at hand.

For an example, I am capable of sewing by hand. I have been taught this skill in childhood. My mom, my grandmothers, my other female role models… They all sewed. In various levels of skill. My mom still makes the most beautiful quilts. However, though I have the ability to sew by hand… It is slow. I have arthritis in my hands. This makes it take longer. I am not as neat as I am with a machine.

This is something that was brought up lately. Someone told me that my digital art has improved. I am sure that it has… After all I have better tools. I have a decent laptop. I have good art programs (Gimp & Krita are my two current favorites). I even have a good mousepad that I recieved for Christmas. (An elephant with headphones on. It is an ergonomic one that helps with my arthritis).

If someone is struggling with their art, or their writing, or any part of their life and you want to assist… Ask them what tool they are missing. Sometimes it is something small such as someone to bounce ideas off of.

time for a pause.

I don’t often post pictures of my daughter or myself, not on here. Today it seems important. I got a call this morning, while making breakfast and listening to her laughter as her and her dad were picking at each other.

I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is asthmatic, and her left lung has been hurting for a couple of days. She also had other concerns and needed shots. So the doc sent her for a chest X-ray.

That call was the nurse from the Doctor’s office. The X-ray came back as she has pneumonia. They want a covid test. And my heart dropped into my stomach. Since the pandemic hit we have been very careful. We don’t go anywhere, at least nowhere unnecessary. We are both asthmatic and her dad has emphysema. The whole lot of us are high risk.

So I am scared. I have a 16 year old stubborn girl who is going to need to rest… and like her mama, she is not inclined towards rest often. She is a busy bee with multiple things that she is wanting to do at any given moment.

We are just about to go out to get her covid test… and I am worried.

So I am probably not going to be posting this week due to this. I will be back next week, and I am going to try to be more active. thank you for understanding.

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Before I do this… I apologize for the late posts the last couple of days… I have been helping a friend and I have been late getting home. Usually I will do the posts while out if need be, but I was the driver this time. Stretches my ability to get things done.

Fivefold – Lost within

Lyrics – Crawl out of the hole you’re in
Who you are is not who you’ve been
Now’s the time to sink or swim
Will you fight the tide or get lost within
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
Iron bars are hell to break
Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?
Your whole life in a blank stare haze
You walk around like the end of days
And I know you’re feeling low
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know
It’s not your home and you’re not alone
And all you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
I’m callin’ out to you
Can you hear me?
They can’t break you down
Let you hit the ground
I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long)
You’re feeling overwhelmed here
Drowned by the pain and the fear
The sun will come with the dawn
All you’ve wanted was just so much more
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul
The silence
You feel it cold as a winter storm
This world has taken ahold
Don’t let ’em get your soul…
Get your soul…

My 2 cents – this is a song about learning how to be strong after a struggle. Don’t let the world destroy you. It’s a good song, and it feels like a good message.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Meredith Brooks – Bitch

Lyrics – [Verse 1]
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Verse 2]
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Bridge]
Just when you think you got me figured out
The season’s already changing
I think it’s cool, you do what you do
And don’t try to save me

[Chorus]
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

[Chorus 2]
I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb, I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way

My 2 cents – OK, some days I feel the power of self confidence. I know that I am unique and my power is in my creativity… But those are the rare days. I have struggled with public opinion and self esteem my whole life. Today I see my flaws and I embrace the idea that they are part of my uniqueness. Tomorrow the weight of them may be too much. This song speaks to that. Nobody is perfect, that struggle is in every single soul. The need to be both saint and sinner exists in each of us. So, if you are not sure of someone’s situation… Be kind. Lest you send them into a personal hell.

Thursday, A Case of the Blahs

I am a creative person… First and foremost. It is just a truth about me. And I usually have some idea of what to create… But every now and then I get the blahs. When I don’t want to do anything. I just can’t think of anything I want to make/write. Sure, I can do prompts… And I often do to break the blahs. But sometimes I just like letting the mood work itself out.

That means that I don’t have an update for a tea party. As I have been lacking in forward momentum for a couple of weeks now. It will pass. But until it does… I am just not feeling it.