The day has several names. We celebrate in early February. It is Brighid’s Day. A day of light and joy. It is the beginning of Spring. (Today)
From here on we will start to see the new shoots of budding plants.
I am an eclectic pagan and I am always open to the gentle discussion about religion…but note that I said gentle. I was kicked out of a “Christian” church because I didn’t fit their idea of a good girl. They never asked me what caused my situation. So I don’t handle people that try to punish me for not being a believer in the same faith as they have well. However I will be fine with civil discourse on the topic.
These are the first two poems written in 2023 and I was struggling to find the topics. I am pleased with the way that they turned out, and releaved that I am able to share it with you.
So I know that I have been awol for a couple of days. That is because of the above picture. My porch has been needing replaced for a few months…due to safety issues. We have been trying to get everyone together to get it done and the weather to cooperate. Yesterday and today has been a good shot… but I don’t do well with being out in the cold and working. so I have been unable to get the blog together. I have gotten the poem a day done but haven’t been able to get the image to the blog. I am so very thankful for my friends. Hopefully my porch will be done today. The holiday is likely to interrupt the posting. So I am planning on returning to this on Monday after the holiday. So I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving.
So…when I am scheduling the blog for the week I often use the duplicate blog option to get the right settings for each. I ended up deleting last week’s Thursday post. It was the one about my new drawing tablet. I didn’t delete it on purpose. Technical difficulties y’all.
This is the piece that caused me all the emotional drama earlier. I was trying to show a caterpillar with a transformation of a butterfly attached. The feedback is that it looks like the butterfly is pooping. Yes. yes, it does. And now that will forever be what the transformation is. SHIT. Thanks.
However I made myself attempt another piece because I was honestly ready to delete the piece, the program and all. I needed to make myself work past the hurt and the disgust with what I had created to try to figure out creation again.
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
Pattimouse 