Sleeping beauty

Meme - emotional description

I am fairly sure I have a sinus infection. I say that because I seem to be doing nothing but sleep for the last week. I am going to be doing the week schedule for the blog…but I’m usually more busy with social media and I don’t want to be missed. I am hoping to get over this quickly.

The Fourth of July

Let America Be America Again
By Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed—
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There’s never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this “homeland of the free.”)

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery’s scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek—
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one’s own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean—
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today—O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I’m the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That’s made America the land it has become.
O, I’m the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home—
For I’m the one who left dark Ireland’s shore,
And Poland’s plain, and England’s grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa’s strand I came
To build a “homeland of the free.”

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we’ve dreamed
And all the songs we’ve sung
And all the hopes we’ve held
And all the flags we’ve hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay—
Except the dream that’s almost dead today.

O, let America be America again—
The land that never has been yet—
And yet must be—the land whereeveryman is free.
The land that’s mine—the poor man’s, Indian’s, Negro’s, ME—
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose—
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people’s lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath—
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain—
All, all the stretch of these great green states—
And make America again!


Today this feels like the statement that needs to be made.  we are looking at An America taking steps backward instead of growing. I am descent from the men and women who walked this land before the USA existed….and I am ashamed of what it has become.

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.

Current Events

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Size is the judge

Meme

so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.

so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.

I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.

so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.

Ah an end of a cycle

Meme - Overthinking

I have been posting daily for over 60 days now. Between the PAD challenge and the MerMay challenge I have been sure to get something up for the last two months.

  Fae corps publishing is doing a short story prompt a day for June but it is just a bit too much for me. I am going to be trying to get caught up with the publishing work I am slightly behind on. so I am going to be going back to the weekly posts and weekends off except for the occasional random ones. I will be doing a few things differently for the weekday posts. I hope you enjoy it. I want to squeeze an art post in somewhere. I am hoping to post a bit more….but I don’t know if I will. I am back to running both my own personal blog and Fae Corps Publishing’s blog. so I am bound to mess up some where. I do the schedule for the week on Sunday for both.

I hope you have enjoyed the art and poetry.

Perfect is overrated

Meme - Feeling Invisible

So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.

I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.

No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.

So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.

There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.

Don’t judge progress on word count alone

Today I only managed to do one poem and one art piece….at least on paper. I also scheduled a week of blogs for Fae corps publishing. I got 3 books adjusted on Ingram and one on Amazon. I squeezed in my daily routine for my games. I fixed most of an epub. I designed a new cover. I ate two meals (which is an accomplishment by itself). I helped my son with the sick chicken (she is getting better). I finished the editing from the betas for the story Serena is submitting to Killing Stroke. (Adding another 280 words there) Note how little of what I did is on the list of word counts?

    some days I don’t have the ability to do even the amount I have listed, some days I manage more. If I were to base my self esteem on my words count – well I would be miserable. I do more than I often think I do. I am willing to bet that you are too.

Disability Aids

Meme - Feeling Invisible

Those who know me, know that I firmly believe in equality when possible. I know that some people are very happy to see the “end ” of DEI…I will never be one of those. I use tools to aid my work and life. That does not make me or my work any less. Note that I said tools, I don’t use Generative AI. I use my phone to write as I have debilitating arthritis. That gives me the option when I need it to voice to text the words and edit the mess later. My glasses have a blue light filter on them because I am mildly dyslexic. This is another tool.

    I am capable of reading but I have been known to buy audio books when I have had eye strain or severe headache symptoms so I can rest and still enjoy the story. There are people I love who need the audio version to be able to retain what is read. I see this as another tool.

Our society has developed a lot of tools to make sure that those who are suffering from various disabilities are not unable to be successful in life. That doesn’t mean you have to be productive or anything to be worthy. It just means you don’t have to be limited in your life because of disability, at least that there is potential to be able to do whatever you want to do.

I personally feel like anyone who wants to put it in the effort should not be denied the chance. As someone who has multiple disabilities I would not want to be told that I am unable to do anything because I am disabled. I want it to be my own personal choice if I can attempt to do something.

Diversity is a word that means that the world can not turn into a place where hatred reigns.

Inclusion is a word for saving space for everyone at the table.

Equity is a word for everyone is given equal chance.