So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.
I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.
No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.
So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.
There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.
Today I only managed to do one poem and one art piece….at least on paper. I also scheduled a week of blogs for Fae corps publishing. I got 3 books adjusted on Ingram and one on Amazon. I squeezed in my daily routine for my games. I fixed most of an epub. I designed a new cover. I ate two meals (which is an accomplishment by itself). I helped my son with the sick chicken (she is getting better). I finished the editing from the betas for the story Serena is submitting to Killing Stroke. (Adding another 280 words there) Note how little of what I did is on the list of word counts?
some days I don’t have the ability to do even the amount I have listed, some days I manage more. If I were to base my self esteem on my words count – well I would be miserable. I do more than I often think I do. I am willing to bet that you are too.
Politics are a nasty thing. They always have been. I take after my grandmother where politics are concerned and I am fairly proud of that.
She didn’t read newspapers or watch the news because she didn’t want to feel any worse about the way things were. I don’t do either, but nowadays all a person has to do is open social media and they will find themselves bombarded with current events.
Quite a few of my friends are talking about taking social media breaks because of the mental health strain that comes with the current events. The problem is that for some of us social media is the only time we actually do socialize. Loneliness doesn’t help mental health issues.
This is why we need books and art. We need creative people to make the world less hard to accept. Music, movies, books and art bring the world a light and right now the world is so very dark.
So I will be doing my best to post more art, and make more poetry and stories to bring a light to the world. I ask everyone to do what they can to do the same.
Southern trees bear a strange fruit Blood on the leaves and blood at the root Black bodies swingin’ in the Southern breeze Strange fruit hangin’ from the poplar trees
Pastoral scene of the gallant South The bulgin’ eyes and the twisted mouth Scent of magnolias sweet and fresh Then the sudden smell of burnin’ flesh
Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck For the rain to gather For the wind to suck For the sun to rot For the tree to drop Here is a strange and bitter crop
My 2 cents –
I hate the direction American politics have taken lately. I feel like the songs from the past are relevant again. Though the topic was not a good one, Billie Holiday had a gorgeous voice and made the song seem like such a beautiful thing. I am leaning into the older blues and jazz music lately…Because it seems to be relevant again…and that make me sad.
White sands build these mountains, beauty at the start
Climb so high till your feet can’t touch the ground
Head so clouded, you’re right where I want you now
I become your medication Get off on numb sensation
Know every single weakness Bring out your inner demons
This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along
I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
Do you crave me, or am I just your escape?
From the darkness that resides inside your brain
Call me devil baby, but you know the truth
The only thing that you fear is you (It’s you)
I become your medication Get off on numb sensation
Know every single weakness
Breaking you down to pieces
This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
There’s a devil inside me
Head so clouded, you’re right where I want you know
This f **ing devil! This devil digs deeper down inside of me
Will you get out of me
Will you get out of me
I’ll tempt you with my siren song
Close your eyes and just sing along I can feel you thinking
One more kiss is all I need from this
This f **ing devil’s white grip Is all I need from this
My 2 cents –
Ever get a song stuck in your head and not be able to put your fingers on what the song is? This was my song this week. All I had was the rhythm. Then the boyfriend randomly decided to play it. whew, that cleared the song from my mind.
Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need We get a little restless from the searching Get a little worn down in between Like a bull chasing the matador Is the man left to his own schemes Everybody needs someone beside em’ Shining like a lighthouse from the sea
Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home
Face down in the desert Now there’s a cage locked around my heart I found a way to drop the keys Where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone I know that in my weakness I am strong, but It’s your love that brings me home
Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home
And when you call and need me near Sayin’ where’d you go? Brother, I’m right here And on those days when the sky begins to fall You’re the blood of my blood We can get through it all
Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re feelin’ low
Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home
Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home Be the one to light the way Bring you home
I have been seeing a lot of feminine Rage songs appearing on the music scene. I can understand why…and I can relate to way too many of them. Still it is something that bothers me because it feels like we are going backwards as a country.
I have been trying to keep up. I really have. My health has decided to take the drop on me. I will be back to dealing with my normal juggling act when I get better. until then I will be doing my best to at least do the minimum.
Pattimouse 