As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.
“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”
This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”
The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?
I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win. I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again. The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within. Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal, Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.
Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad, For I find myself doubting even the truth I had. Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale, I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.
I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.
So, my mommy messaged me around the beginning of June and said that she was coming to get me around the 18th and keeping me until the 28th. I was not asked if I wanted to go…but I do.. so I am going. I will have internet, but I don’t know what I am going to be doing. So this is your warning. I will not be posting anything during those 10 days…I don’t know if I am going to be able to get myself back to work before the 5th of July (due to a cookout that I decided was a good idea for the fourth) I will be back to posting after the fifth. so please excuse my random disappearance. Have fun and be nice to each other while I am gone…
So I was going through a manuscript today…previously published. I am oddly confident in what I publish. I am aware that every book – even the ones published by the big publishers – often still have typos and other minor issues. There was only 2 minor typos. I was quite impressed. Now that being said…I wonder how many times I have missed errors. I employ a multiple eyes on a project policy. This means that the anthologies that Fae corps publishing puts together are edited by myself, and then I ask the authors to go through and let me know any mistakes I missed. Especially from their own story. I ask for them to read the whole thing and point out anything missed in the entire anthology. Because in the end I want to publish something that each author is proud of.
The perfectionist in me though edits it, then runs it through grammarly, then triple checks for anything that I may have missed. I feel like I have to be better because I am a small press. I am embarrassed by any mistakes that come with publishing. So, I try to get it right the first time.
I took a writing class and I was extremely embarrassed by the way it was done. There was a hot seat session. I handed, for my turn, an unedited version of a work in progress. The person who was running the class proceeded to tear into what was wrong. I hope that no one has to deal with that. I had not adjusted the layout and had things that I knew needed fixed because I wanted to see what the teacher would do. She made such a big deal about the minor things that I felt like I was doing awful. It was something that could have made me walk away from writing. I was irritated by the way I was feeling. Instead, I decided that I would learn to do it better. I would never send my work out to be edited without it being edited by me first.
When you judge people you have no idea what you are doing to them. You could end up being the reason why they give up. Or you could be the reason why they knuckle down and improve. The only person who can possibly know what they are going to do is the one you are judging.
okay, I am done random rambling. What do you feel like has to be perfect? why?
I have always been envious of the Talent for art my brother has. I got a talent for words, he got the talent for art. I have to work hard to learn how to do things that come naturally to him. I have been building skills in art.
However, that being said…for me it all started with a dog. my mom showed me how to do a simple dog. I used that to start learning how to draw other things.
I consider photography to be an art. I am an amateur. I asked a man once who I knew to be a good photographer why he did not pursue his art. He had such an eye for color and beauty.
He told me that if he considered it to be art he couldn’t do it. Surprised, I asked him why?
He told me that if it were art it would have to be perfect. It would anger him to create Imperfect art. But as a picture it would be okay if it was natural. Nature has flaws.
That has always baffled me. For me, it would frustrate me to see the differences between nature and my pictures. Still, I can take a picture and make it look better on the computer. I can adjust the brightness, the colors, and the contrast. Somehow that makes me feel better about the shots I take.
Today I was trying to get work done. It seems like whenever I sit down to do work…well that is when everyone wants my attention. Normally it does not bother me…I multitask and get everything I can done. Today however it had me snapping. I have since apologized to those who I was cranky with. But it got me thinking.
Why was I so quick to snap?
Well, I have publishing deadlines approaching. I am also getting ready for a trip out of town. (A rare treat as my Mom is coming to get me and my daughter for a mini Vacation to her place.) Then I have invited friends over for a fourth of July cookout…And so I have to plan for that…I am rearranging my house and cleaning as I go. My dishwasher broke and I have to prepare for the installation crew with the new one. Summer is almost here and I have yet to spend any time in my art studio…My legs have been achy…People, in general, have been irritating me more than usual…
Yeah, that is all my excuses. Well, I could probably come up with a few more. But I don’t make a habit of Lying…Even to myself. So I had to face the real reason why Patti has been cranky today. I really did not want to do anything other than sit at my computer and work on the projects I wanted to work on. I wanted to be alone, crank up my music, and work on making books exist. Either by formatting or by writing or editing. I really did not care. I wanted to forget that people exist because then I would be able to forget the cruelty we people do to each other. I would be able to forget the idea that peaceful existence is a dream…a hope that is too often dashed.
I could forget that this world is so awful that eighteen-year-olds want to kill and die.
I could forget that there are so many people who cannot seem to accept the mere safe existence of people who are different. That people feel the need to hate. To fear. And often what humans hate and fear – They kill.
I could for at least a short time forget that women’s rights are at this very moment about to be thrown back in time to the 1950s.
I could for a few minutes just enjoy what I am doing and not worry about my children in this world. This world is where hate and fear are more prevalent than love and kindness.
I could forget that there are those who would have me locked away because I am different. There are those who would speak over me…simply because what I say is nothing that they want to hear.
So when I feel like my voice is being stolen I GET LOUD.
So since I am aware that I am Snappy because I wanted to hide – GUESS WHAT?!
Consider this your Warning. I am about to get VOCAL. I Am about to get loud. I have been more or less leaving my opinions off of my social media. I tame myself because I feel like that is not going to help my books sell.
But I will no longer bite my tongue just to watch it bleed. My opinions are a part of me.
Pattimouse 