Okay, I have been sharing my art on Wednesday and making it wordless… But Words are what I do best. It had been bothering me. I do art in so many different mediums. I actually enjoy talking about it. I don’t plan to share art every week. Some weeks I just want to discuss technique and such. Or share links to art that I found online and love. This gives me a platform that I am not wordless. I have lost my voice in the past and with it my power. I hate being powerless. Art is not about being powerless. Art is an expression of self. There is no greater power than being yourself. So, Let’s learn about art and share the journey of the artist together. Join me and share who you are as well.
Lyrics – [Verse 1] Thought I’d bite my tongue Just this once, maybe twice, but the harder I bite Now it’s drawing blood There’s a trace on my lips, leaves a taste when we kiss Try to cover up All of the lies and all of the lines that I Bottle up To keep you safe and sound
[Pre-Chorus] But echoes of warnings Like whispers of morning, like It creeping through cracks in my memory It’d make me lose my mind
[Chorus] But every time I close my eyes It’s calling in like a siren Threatening to comе alive Unless I pay the pricе, yeah But if my heart is right this time And I can finally bear my secrets Maybe you won’t run and hide But love the monster inside me
[Verse 2] Maybe all the love Is a switch that we flip when we’re losing our grip And it’s close enough Taking good with the pain, go a little insane All we really want Is someone to hold until we grow old And no matter what (No matter) Can’t be scared away
[Pre-Chorus] Echoes of warnings Like whispers of morning, like It creeping through cracks in my memory It’d make me lose my mind
[Chorus] But every time I close my eyes It’s calling in like a siren Threatening to come alive Unless I pay the price, yeah But if my heart is right this time And I can finally bear my secrets Maybe you won’t run and hide But love the monster inside me [Bridge] Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us Now Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us Now Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us Now Echoes of warnings like Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us now Echoes of warnings like Beauty in the chaos, all that’s left to save us now
[Chorus] But every time I close my eyes It’s calling in like a siren Threatening to come alive Unless I pay the price, yeah But every time I close my eyes It’s calling in like a siren Threatening to come alive Unless I pay the price, yeah But if my heart is right this time And I can finally bear my secrets Maybe you won’t run and hide But love the monster inside me
My 2 Cents – I have always fought the stigma of my mental health. I am a survivor. That being said, sometimes the labels are easier to fight than others. Now I am trying to help my teenager fight them. She wants to write horror. She is into the creepy and dark. When she told her therapist that (New therapist) the therapist tried to claim that she was homicidal. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She is a gentle soul with a rich imagination. She wants to write dark stories so she is apparently Homicidal. I raised all kinds of hell with the office. The supervisor talked to my daughter and agreed that the therapist was way off base. So I am left with a wonderful beginning writer who is struggling because of labels. Seems to me that the world wants to label madness too easily and the monsters that truly exist are allowed too much leeway. so today at least I think I love the monster inside me and will revel in the beauty in chaos.
I’ve seen people go under I’ve seen people move on But the voices getting louder Until there is none
They said I was special They said I could fight it I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
I wanna be special I wanna be you But I don’t belong here I see it in you
They said I was special They said I could fight it I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
They said I was special Yeah!
I’ve seen people in battle I’ve seen people give up But they’re all just like cattle They don’t know when to stop
I thought they were special I thought they all knew But they are just assholes They’re all just like you
I said it was painful I told them I’ll lose it
If you’re coming back home tonight I’ll be all long gone I’ll be all long gone [x2]
I thought it was easy I’ll be all long gone I’ll be all long gone [x2]
My 2 Cents- We all have those moments. where we feel left alone, like we are not as special. Each of us are individuals. It doesn’t always feel like it though. And to me this song speaks to that depression that gives us the mental gremlins telling us that we are not anything worth having. The gremlins lie.
Will you make it sound so pretty even when it’s not? Didn’t choose but it’s the only one we’ve got And sometimes I get so tired Of getting tied up in my thoughts You’re the only one that often makes it stop God, it hurts to be human Without you I’d be losing And someday we’ll face the music God, it hurts to be human But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too Like we’re buckled and preparing before the crash Like we’re walking down a road of broken glass Now if we defeat all odds And it was us against the world You can count on me You know I’d have your back God, it hurts to be human Without you I’d be losing And someday we’ll face the music God, it hurts to be human But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you (Hey) And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you (Hey) And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too Hope flows away If you could spend a day in my shoes Your mind would change If you’d known what I’ve gone through We want the same (Yeah, we do) Maybe then you’ll understand How it hurts to be human God, it hurts to be human Without you (without you) I’d be losing (Yeah, yeah, yeah) And someday we’ll face the music God, it hurts to be human But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too Oh God, it hurts to be human
MY 2Cents This song speaks to me right now. There is no reason why I have been dragging ass and miserable this week. The cold came back, the laptop died, I have responsibilities that I usually enjoy…But this week… I just couldn’t stand to be human. I was snapping at people over stupid shit. And I know it was stupid. I have no reason or explanation. Just cranky. And I can’t explain it better that this week felt that I was struggling in the fight to be happy…and I was loosing. So for those that have me, and wondered what the heck was my damage…I thank you. I love you all. Thank you for tolerating my bad week.
I am taking a break from coffee house writers. This is my last post there for a while. Though there are some awesome writing on there, and I have quite a few friends on there… I felt like this last poem should stand alone. Please continue to read the work there. The writers are doing some amazing work.
Crawl out of the hole you’re in Who you are is not who you’ve been Now’s the time to sink or swim Will you fight the tide or get lost within And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul Iron bars are hell to break Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake? Your whole life in a blank stare haze You walk around like the end of days And I know you’re feeling low Feel like you’ve lost control But the darkness that you know It’s not your home and you’re not alone And all you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul I’m callin’ out to you Can you hear me? They can’t break you down Let you hit the ground I promise you it won’t be long (Won’t be long) You’re feeling overwhelmed here Drowned by the pain and the fear The sun will come with the dawn All you’ve wanted was just so much more This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul The silence You feel it cold as a winter storm This world has taken ahold Don’t let ’em get your soul… Get your soul…
My 2Cents – Though this song sounds like it is about being depressed, And it most certainly is, I feel like it is about picking yourself back up when you are depressed. I have been here, and it feels impossible. then it doesn’t. Somehow you just survive, and you don’t know how you did it. but you did.
Today has been me hiding with a migraine. I peeked at social media to be surprised by a blast from the past. A young man who has been like a son to me shared this picture of me and my oldest son. My eldest is currently estranged because someone told him lies about me, and he believed them. So I have been heartbroken about it since thanksgiving… The picture was such a nice thing, even if he is not speaking to me. It reminded me of a time when he trusted me unconditionally.
I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.
That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.
Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.
I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.
Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.
That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.
I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.
You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.
I am a creative person… First and foremost. It is just a truth about me. And I usually have some idea of what to create… But every now and then I get the blahs. When I don’t want to do anything. I just can’t think of anything I want to make/write. Sure, I can do prompts… And I often do to break the blahs. But sometimes I just like letting the mood work itself out.
That means that I don’t have an update for a tea party. As I have been lacking in forward momentum for a couple of weeks now. It will pass. But until it does… I am just not feeling it.
Okay so I have my own view on life. I am fairly open minded and will always accept that I might be wrong. That is… I don’t believe that I am wrong, but I am not infallible. That being said… I saw a post that I shared… And immediately regretted.
Not because of comments… Or the like… But because it made me think. Don’t we all hate being made to think? What is it that makes a good person? Is it a certain set of views on politics? I know that I am adamant on my view on abortion. A good friend who is usually seen as a good man… He has a differing opinion. So does that make me the bad person?
How do we determine if someone is good or bad… If it is easy to determine? I don’t know that it is. I think that the current events are enough to put division between neighbors… In religion we are taught to love our neighbors.. Doesn’t matter if they are good people or not… However it never says that we have to expose ourselves to their beliefs. Or them.
So I pose the question… Do you think that you have a good person?
Pattimouse 