Category: Mental Health

Something for Saturday

FAQ
My self reflections and Rants

I noticed that I have been doing better about the blog. I am on a streak of over a hundred days of daily posting. I don’t know if I will be able to keep it going. I’m sitting here telling myself that doing the normal things is good enough and if I miss the weekend, well it’s not a problem.

So are you believing my bs? Pretty sure I have stopped believing it. So, now I am probably going to be trying to figure out at least one more easy post. The book Review will be rotating in and out. The random rants will rotate. The random extras (like book birthdays, offshot announcements and stuff like that ) will be posted as needed.

I have a full plate of stuff to do. why do I do it to myself ? Oh yeah…mental illness and I really want to have people interacting with my blog. hmmm….I might start working on posting children’s activities for Sunday. Family Sunday sounds like a good time. So what should I do with Saturday?

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.

Current Events

Regrets

Meme

So I will occasionally go and read the blogs others have posted. I find them interesting and want to see what others are posting…I have found some interesting things posted and then I have found regrets.

Regrets are posts that have wonderful things to say but need to be edited. Spell check please. I don’t want to share something with horrible spelling errors. Grammar and punctuation errors don’t bother me as much because they can be typos or choices but the huge spelling errors just make me cringe.

I have refused to share things on social media for the same reason. Seriously spell check is easy.

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Size is the judge

Meme

so I had the first visit with a new dr Friday. Yesterday I got in email notes from the visit. Now before I get to the reason why I was upset about the notes…I need to state a bit of history. I have been 450 lbs at the largest I ever got. I have been on every diet possible as a teenager. I have been fighting with disordered eating for years. I barely eat once a day and I eat a proper portion when I do. it’s all in my chart.

so I looked at the notes and the doctor said I should be assigned behavioral counseling for obesity. I am sitting at 278. which is even 10 lbs less than the last time I was there.

I am still around 50 lbs more than I want to be…,but I will always be obese as I am 5’2. according to the bmi chart I would hit obese at 120. I have no way to get that small.

so I will be looking for a new dr and I had a good cry.

Perfect is overrated

Meme - Feeling Invisible

So I was talking to my therapist about how inadequate I felt when it came to my art…she laughed and said stop trying to be perfect leave some for the rest of us…and it got me thinking.

I feel inadequate and insecure but honestly how many people are intimidated by what I do manage. I might seem to be handling it perfectly to the outside…but so many do not see how close I get to jumping off my own personal cliff.

No one judges me as badly as I judge myself. So I promise you that I am not perfect. I drop more balls than I catch on any given day. I work myself to exhaustion and then I get mad at myself for napping.

So, trust me I am not perfect. I am kind hearted and I will gladly help those I can. Which has gotten me called a door mat a few times. I have boundaries but most people don’t know when I get done, because I don’t keep contact with the people that break boundaries.

There’s still days where I don’t see my own light. Days I struggle with my demons. I am doing better….but I am not done yet.

Thursday Thoughts

I am terrible at accountability posting.

I keep meaning to post my word counts for the day on my Facebook account. I update them as I write anything for my own personal ability to keep track of where I am and I mean to post it. I move on to other things that I have to do and I forget to go back more often than not.

And the way I have my work listed may end up making people confused. Things only stay on the list until they are done. Then the list occasionally will not sync. so I get random mistakes in it as to how much is in a poetry volume. Or I have a notification on the top saying that it has a conflict from another version.

I love the feeling of accomplishment I feel when I do share the word counts. it feels like I am saying hey I am making progress. Unfortunately I mostly end up feeling ashamed because I forgot to post it.

I think that’s one of the main problems with juggling so much. The dropped balls become shame. I try to make sure that I only drop the ones that will bounce. I might be capable of catching them and then I can get them in the next pass.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme

Tuesday I mentioned that I was going in for an MRI. I said I would explain it today.

I have always called my issues with closed spaces Claustrophobia. I knew where I got the fear from…but NOTHING I did could overcome that. Someone once told me that there was two types of fear. The kind where you are in a life or death situation and the type where you can overcome it. For my brain the being locked in somewhere is a life or death situation. It is not Claustrophobia in the normal sense though. I told my therapist about it, and the panic that just the thought of the MRI was giving me…and she identified it as a PTSD trigger.

I survived the test. It wasn’t even as bad as I had expected it to be. It was not as bad as previous MRI’s have been. Maybe that is because I was able to prepare. I was able to compartmentalize and tell myself I was not in danger. I am no longer the nine year old child being locked in the trunk of a car and being told I will die. I am healing.

Thursday Thoughts

okay  Tomorrow is Valentines day.

The history is interesting, but I have issues with the implementation.

Dates don’t have to be expensive. the best dates I have had were sitting down by the creek and talking.

the pressure to buying gifts for each other is really uncomfortable.

I enjoy buying gifts and getting gifts without the strings attached.

I would rather capitalism not control my life.