Category: Mental Health

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics –
And I feel that time’s a-wasting, go
So where ya going to tomorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
So would you even care?
And I feel it
And I feel it
Where ya going for tomorrow?
Where ya goin’ with the mask I found
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?
And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?
And I feel it
And she feels it
Where ya going for tomorrow?
Where ya goin’ with the mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
Where ya going for tomorrow?
Where ya goin’ with the mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it
To find it

My 2 Cents –
This week has been crazy, on a personal level. I know that this song is about murder…but sometimes in order to become who we need to be, it feels like we kill parts of ourselves. I am struggling with decisions that may leave parts of me behind and I am not sure if it will allow me to continue my life as it is or if things will change. This song to me talks a lot of patience.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics

Will you make it sound so pretty even when it’s not?
Didn’t choose but it’s the only one we’ve got
And sometimes I get so tired
Of getting tied up in my thoughts
You’re the only one that often makes it stop
God, it hurts to be human
Without you I’d be losing
And someday we’ll face the music
God, it hurts to be human
But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey
And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too
Like we’re buckled and preparing before the crash
Like we’re walking down a road of broken glass
Now if we defeat all odds
And it was us against the world
You can count on me
You know I’d have your back
God, it hurts to be human
Without you I’d be losing
And someday we’ll face the music
God, it hurts to be human
But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you (Hey)
And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too
But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you (Hey)
And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too
Hope flows away
If you could spend a day in my shoes
Your mind would change
If you’d known what I’ve gone through
We want the same (Yeah, we do)
Maybe then you’ll understand
How it hurts to be human
God, it hurts to be human
Without you (without you) I’d be losing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
And someday we’ll face the music
God, it hurts to be human
But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey
And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too
But I’ve got you, you, you, you, you, you, hey
And you’ve got me, me, me, me, too
Oh God, it hurts to be human

MY 2Cents
This song speaks to me right now. There is no reason why I have been dragging ass and miserable this week. The cold came back, the laptop died, I have responsibilities that I usually enjoy…But this week… I just couldn’t stand to be human. I was snapping at people over stupid shit. And I know it was stupid. I have no reason or explanation. Just cranky. And I can’t explain it better that this week felt that I was struggling in the fight to be happy…and I was loosing. So for those that have me, and wondered what the heck was my damage…I thank you. I love you all. Thank you for tolerating my bad week.

Pad #9

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics –
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you’re searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I cannot save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you’ve been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
(I am just as fucked as you)
I cannot save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself
Please don’t take pity on me
Please don’t take pity on me
Please don’t take pity on me
Please don’t take pity on me
My life has been a nightmare…

My 2 Cents –
The broken attract the broken. I feel like we try to lean on those like us because we know that they will understand. Most days that is neither good or bad, but we need to learn to stand alone and heal as well.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics-
Smoke a little weed, smoke a little weed
I’ve been feelin’ low
Pressure in my head, lay awake in bed
I’m against the rose
Been tryin’ to recover but nothin’ i do works
‘Cause hidin’ under the covers is only makin’ it worse
I’m stuck
Think this is growin’ up
Too much is on my mind, always on my mind
Need a little space
Spend my days alone, can’t get off my phone
Nothing goes my way
Miss all of my friends and barely can file my taxes
I’m halfway through my twenties
Like, how the hell did this happen?
I’m stuck
My life is in a rut
And i’ve been hopin’ these doors might open
And i’ll be running from this place, free
Constant pacing; this time, i’m wasting
I can’t control these emotions in me
Growin’ up
I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough
Always tryna seem like i’m okay
I’m growin’ up
Whatever that means, anyway
I don’t know enough
I’m just growin’ up
Girlfriend wanna chill, girlfriend wanna chill
I’ve been workin’ late
I don’t got no time, workin’ all the time
Too much on my plate
And i don’t wanna fail, i’m bringin’ myself stress
I can’t sit on my sofa, i’m lost and depressed
And stuck
I can’t say that enough
Anxiety is high, i can’t even lie
I’m not doin’ great
Dishes in the sink, think i need a drink
They gon’ have to wait
Stay inside my room that now’s become a prison
I hate these four walls, but only feel safe in ’em
I’m stuck
But no one gives a fuck
And i’ve been hopin’ these doors might open
And i’ll be running from this place, free
Constant pacing; this time, i’m wasting
I can’t control these emotions in me
Growin’ up
I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough
Always tryna seem like i’m okay
I’m growin’ up
Whatever that means, anyway
I don’t know enough
I’m just growin’ up
Growin’ up
I think i’ve seen better days, it’s gettin’ tough
Always tryna seem like i’m okay
I’m growin’ up
Whatever that means, anyway
I don’t know enough
I’m just growin’ up
Growin’ up

My 2 Cents –
Well here lately I have been wondering who made me a grown up? I am struggling with responsibility and the urge to just have fun…so I really related to this one. I can’t imagine with the last year being the way it has that I am alone. so my song choice reflects it. It is ok to feel like you want to have fun, just don’t let it make you do something stupid.

Belated verse

It is the little things

This year the holidays stunk. Yeah I said it. It is so taboo to be miserable during December, because you feel like you are weighing everyone else down. Or you feel just freaking ungrateful.

I know that I am not alone in this. This year has weighed hard on so many. No ability to do big gatherings, or family meals, or the other traditional trappings of the holidays. So much of this year has been death and illness. And for me family distancing.

The holiday was just lacking. So I was playing video games with my youngest, and scrolling down Facebook occasionally when something caught my eye. Serena has her own Facebook. Well someone, another author, had told me that Serena’s Rust, Gore, and the Junkyard Zombie was on his Christmas wishlist. He tagged Serena in the comments of his gifts… He got it.

Seeing that tag just made me smile. It made my whole holiday better. Just knowing that book was wanted.

So till this year is gone, enjoy the little things. Don’t let it fall apart because the big things are missing. Enjoy what you can. I hope that each of you find a little thing that brings joy this season.

So, it’s Saturday

I know that I missed all last week.

I have been struggling with files for four anthologies. Trying to get it all to shine. I have been fighting my own self doubt. I have been working on trying not to feel like I have to do it all.

That is probably the worst thing about me, that feeling like I have to do it all, like I can’t lean on anyone else or I will burden them. Because I am, in my own mind, never good enough. I work extra hard to attempt to be seen as even half of the capable as the others around me. And then I end up intimidating the ones that I admire. Intimidating and hurting, because they end up feeling that they cannot possibly do as much as I do. While I am feeling that I am a screw up because I am dropping balls that I should have never tried to carry at all.

Balls bounce, and I can often grab them in rebound, but the hurt… I regret that. I try to be a good person. I try to do everything right… Even though I often do not have a clue what right actually is. So sometimes all that I can do is see the balls drop, and apologize for causing the hurt.

I read somewhere that the truest apology was changed behavior. This is where I truly fail. I try. But in some ways it is like an addiction. I have to put myself in that mess. I have to try to be the one that is doing the overwhelming of myself. It is my toxic trait.

Because I want to be seen as amazing… And there is the voice in the back of my head that is always going to tell me I am not.

That voice we all have. It’s mean. It bullies us into believing the lie… AND it is a lie. I am not worthless. I am talented and I am loved. I have been improving at art, writing, cover design, and publishing. I have been improving with all of my skills that have been a struggle… Except for dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I am sorry for those who I hurt when I am dropping the balls. I am sorry for the heartache that I cause in those who love me. I am not going to say that I will try to do better, because I should not lie, even to myself. However I will say that when I am struggling with the mental gremlins, and fighting for the strength to share the load… I am so very grateful that I have you all in my life.

You are amazing. You all keep me going. And I only hope that my own stubborn nature will not end up pushing you away.

Time to talk about monsters

Photo by Drigo Diniz on Pexels.com

I have never made secret of the fact that I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse. And yesterday was a very emotional day.

Survivors know that most monsters wear human skin. My monster was a quiet man that everyone believed was a good person. He told me that no one would believe me if I told about how he hurt me. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. That is what monsters do. They convince you that you deserve every bit of what they do. Even in death he haunts me, as I find myself feeling like a bad person for enjoying the fact that he committed suicide.

Monsters are among us. And now the world has one less. Though I am relieved I will not celebrate any farther. I will instead work on creating beauty to combat the monsters that remain in this world. I will be an advocate for those who have had their voice stolen.

This means that I am going to need to step back and breathe, I need to calm the emotional roller-coaster this has created. I will be back on Monday. Until then, avoid the monsters and be kind

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics: Alright, alright
Alright, alright
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though Who are these people?
I just woke up in my underwear
No liquor left on the shelf
I should probably introduce myself
You shoulda’ seen what I wore
I had a cane and a party hat
I was the king of this hologram
Where there’s no such thing as getting out of hand
Memories tend to just pop up
Drunk pre-meds and some rubber gloves
Five-thousand people with designer drugs
Don’t think I’ll ever get enough (don’t think I’ll ever get enough) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time It’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright
It’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though What are these footprints?
They don’t look very human like
Now I wish that I could find my clothes
Bedsheets and a morning rose
I wanna wake up
Can’t even tell if this is a dream
How did we end up in my neighbors pool
Upside down with a perfect view?
Bar to bar at the speed of sound
Fancy feet dancing through this town
Lost my mind in a wedding gown
Don’t think I’ll ever get it now
(Don’t think I’ll ever get it now) Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time I’m a scholar and a gentleman
And I usually don’t fall when I try to stand
I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt
But I make these high heels work
I’ve told you time and time again
I’m not as think as you drunk I am
And we all fell down when the sun came up
I think we’ve had enough Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though
Alright, alright, it’s a hell of a feeling though
It’s a hell of a feeling though Champagne, cocaine, gasoline
And most things in between
I roam the city in a shopping cart
A pack of camels and a smoke alarm This night is heating up
Raise hell and turn it up
Saying “If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe”
Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time

My 2Cents:

This song has been stuck in my head for 3 weeks. I think with the way people have been suffering through 2020 that maybe a good time is just what we need this year. So tell me, what is your good time?