Category: Mental Health

PAD Day 8

Today the prompt could have worked…but I didn’t feel it. Today was the obligatory form poem/anti form poem prompt. He always puts it in. And I have a volume in development for that…but this was the first poem in Ethereal Dreams… I felt like acknowledging that. Each volume is a new mindset. I have to figure out what this chapter of my life is about. Thoughtcicles was about shock and grief for the changes of self and relationship. A lot of frozen thought and self care. I don’t know what ethereal Dreams is yet.

Also we’re a week into November. This is the month for writing… and I think that a lot of people – myself included – see Nanowrimo as a pass or fail thing way too often. It should be about the setting of a routine, not about the word count. If you can hit that word count daily then awesome, congratulations! But if you can’t don’t get discouraged. Set a time for daily writing and meet that every day. Not all writing is novels. Children’s books are a thing. Those require far less word count. Poetry is still writing. Do a poem a day.(that is what I decided to do) Do not measure your own success by the way that other people write. You are going to have a different way of speaking. Writing is another way of using your voice. Don’t let anyone take your voice from you.

Pad Day 4 and rambles

Today’s Prompt was a fill in the blank. “In the (Blank)”. Those that are my facebook friends have seen me trying to do to-do lists the last few days. They are never long…usually four or five items…but it wears me out. So I am fighting exhaustion and trying to celebrate my wins.

The laundry is caught up.

Dishes are nearly there.

Bathrooms are clean. (Well the two that I can get to)

The laundry room is clean.

All the clothes are folded…not put away yet, but folded.

My bedroom is halfway there.

Joe’s room is clean.

I have finished Layout on all but one of the Kid’s books for kid’s week(The final one is waiting on the illustrator. He had a cord malfunction and couldn’t send in the art yet. Poor guy)

I have started getting preorders set up for the kid’s week books. *Links will be in a post on the Fae Corps blog when I finish the getting of the preorder links….

I have written a poem a day for everyday in November so far and got a little bit of a word count in Sea Wytch.

I did my grocery shopping for November. And came in under budget.

I have started my christmas shopping.

I made it to therapy.

I have remembered my medicine over half of the time…(I set another set of reminders on my phone…seriously the only reason I remember to eat half of the time is the dizzy feeling I get when I forget.)

I have stayed Hydrated…

See I am killing this…even if there are days when my body says I am killing me. I created a to-do list for self care. So far it has morning and night meds, and art…(Therapist said art was self care!)

What did you do today? Let us celebrate the win together.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics –

[Verse 1]
There is no knowing, no showing
Your fragile side
Want to be perfect, untouchable
Like the sky
It’s so misleading, believing
That fear inside
Don’t let the light in, they’ll see it
Behind your eyes

[Chorus]
Way down we go
To the dark room
Where your pain’s the only one to greet you
Down we go
To the mind that
Will deceive you, only out to get you
Down we go
To the bottom
Now there’s only yourself to count on
Down we go
To the dark room
Can you get through all the pain insidе you?
Down we

[Verse 2]
You’re stuck with playing and gaining
Traumatic times
Want to bе stronger, the story
Of your whole life
This kind of reckless seems endless
It comes to fight
So you’re not breathing, just bleeding
Oh, what a sight

[Chorus]
Way down we go
To the dark room
Where your pain’s the only one to greet you
Down we go
To the mind that
Will deceive you, only out to get you
Down we go
To the bottom
Now there’s only yourself to count on
Down we go
To the dark room
Can you get through all the pain inside you?
Down we

[Bridge]
Down we go
To the dark room
Where your pain’s the only one to greet you
Down we go
To the mind that
Will deceive you, only out to get you
Down we

[Chorus]
Way down we go
To the dark room
Where your pain’s the only one to greet you
Down we go
To the mind that
Will deceive you, only out to get you
Down we go
To the bottom
Now there’s only yourself to count on
Down we go
To the dark room
Can you get through all the pain inside you?
Down we

My 2 Cents –
My daughter often introduces me to new music…and it gets stuck in my head. The lyrics on this one really kind of hit for me. What song is stuck in your head and why?

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Okay, I admit today is slightly different than my usual Tuesday fare. The above is a playlist I created on YouTube. It is based on a question one of my Facebook friends asked…

Quick! What is your favorite cover song that you think is better than the original?

Now that has some controversy… after all it depends on the eye of the beholder mechanic. What is good for me may not be to you.

Still, I enjoy the covers on this playlist and I thought I would share it with you. What is your favorite cover song?

Whelp, it’s Wednesday

I still have a cold. I am trying to get my creative juices flowing regardless of the sinuses and the other symptoms. (Hence why I did a penguin, I feel like a penguin.) I have made it through half of the week… I am scheduling tomorrow and Friday. Making it at least to Wednesday feels like an accomplishment. I have been doing some uploading to DeviantArt this week as well. (New phone has more space so I have the app…it makes me more likely to visit the site….) I have been doing less on Facebook and spending time on Tumblr. I still am reachable on all of my social media sites but I think that I spent too much time with Facebook and now I need to spread my time around. It should be less toxic for me to embrace the way each social media site works for shorter periods of time.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics:

[Verse 1]
Woke up late, car’s a mess
Spilled some coffee on my dress
Trying to pick out a song
Drove too fast, missed a stop
Somehow a Policeman saw
How am I gonna pay for that?

[Pre-Chorus]
I stayed up ’til 3 a.m last night
Watching Netflix on my phone ’cause
They cut off the power line
Drank up the rest of the box wine
Oh, I know it wasn’t smart
And I say this every time
[Chorus]
I can’t adult today at all
I wanna go right back to bed
And pretend I’m not feeling well
There’s nothing that I wanna say
But ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I can’t adult today
I can’t adult today

[Verse 2]
Got to work, powered through
Headache started around 2
‘Cause I had to work through lunch
Finally, I finished up
Made it home and had enough
But I found a dog chewed couch

[Pre-Chorus]
I stayed up ’til 3 a.m last night
Watching Netflix on my phone ’cause
They cut off the power line
Drank up the rest of the box wine
Oh, I know it wasn’t smart
And I say this every time

[Chorus]
I can’t adult today at all
I wanna go right back to bed
And pretend I’m not feeling well
There’s nothing that I wanna say
But ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I can’t adult today
[Bridge]
Just another cup of coffee
I can’t adult today
Just a little bit more money
I can’t adult today
10 alarms just to remind me
I can’t adult today
Tomorrow I will try again

[Chorus]
I can’t adult today at all
I wanna go right back to bed
And pretend I’m not feeling well
There’s nothing that I wanna say
But ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I can’t adult today
I can’t adult today
I can’t adult today

My Two Cents- being sick sucks. Catching up on the work I should have done whilst sick sucks. I wanna go right back to bed…

Time to begin again

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t know what I am changing yet…if anything. I am entering a little bit of a restructuring of my own life and social media. I still plan on being here. I am still me. However, I recently broke ties to a friend of over a decade. This has been coming for the past year. It should surprise no one.

I don’t know if I have anything to change, however a decade of shared speces and shared faces means that I at the very least have to consider the change… and the backlash it will have on the people around me. Though I share easily my life here, I don’t feel like I should be pointing fingers at others and writing their sins. What is toxic to me may not be to them. We can each only tell our own truth… whatever that may be.

I do post on social media vague rants and those who are close to me can figure it out…but I don’t point fingers. I don’t feel like it is my place to call someone out. It is my place to try and work through my own emotions and my reaction to the situation. Hence why I vague post. They are my way to work through the issue. Comments end up helping me to see if I am way out in left field or missing something.

Right now I am feeling grief. I am processing it. I am pulling myself away from the shared spaces. I am also refusing to allow my grief to stop the forward motion of Fae Corps. She requested that her books be pulled. She has decided to cut the ties completely. I think that is probably the best idea, as I will continue to get hurt otherwise. She left me feeling like I am hard to love, and hard to get along with. That is my responsibility to deal with.

I am back to dealing with this blog and the Fae Corps blog. I spent all day Sunday getting it dealt with, and I am determined to keep my blog from falling behind. Maybe I will have an easier time doing so with my mind not distracted by the issues I was facing.

Tuesday Tunes

A day for me to discuss music

Lyrics:

I break the ice
So they don’t see my size
And I have to be nice
Or I’ll be the next punchline

I’m just the best friend in Hollywood movies
Who only exist to continue the story
The girl gets the guy while I’m standing off-screen
So I’ll wait for my cue to be comedic relief

Can’t be too loud
Can’t be too busy
If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me?
Can’t be too proud
Can’t think I’m pretty
Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?

I say I’m okay
‘Cause they wouldn’t care anyway
And I could try to explain
But my efforts in vain
They can’t relate to how I’ve

Drawn out in Sharpie where I take the scissors
If that’s what it took for me to look in the mirror
I’ve done every diet to make me look thinner
So why do I still feel so goddamn inferior?

Can’t be too loud
And can’t be too busy
If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me?
Can’t be too proud and
Can’t think I’m pretty
Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?

Life of the fat, funny friend
Life of the fat, funny friend

It’s funny when I think a guy likes me
And it’s funny when I’m the one who says, “Let’s go to eat”
It’s funny when I’m asked to go out on Halloween
Dresses and thigh highs, while I hide my body

Can’t be too loud
And can’t be too busy
If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna miss me?

Can’t be too loud
And can’t be too busy
If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me?
Can’t be too proud and
Can’t think I’m pretty
Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?

Life of the fat, funny friend
Life of the fat, funny friend
Life of the fat, funny friend
Life of the fat, funny friend

I’ve drawn out in Sharpie where I take the scissors

My Two Cents- I have been fat almost all my life. I was tiny before I hit puberty…but I hit puberty…I got fat. or so I was told.

I was two in the picture above.

And here I was ten. Through most of my teen years my mother had me on every fad diet there was. She was certain I would die before I was 30 by heart attack. So certain that she had me convinced.

My senior year of high school…I was 200 lbs….

I ended up 450 lbs and unable to move…but hey…I survived 30…

I am down to 270. I am still the same girl. the teen that didn’t understand what was wrong with me. The person who never felt like she looked good enough to be counted as cute, much less pretty.

My voice

Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels.com

Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…

Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.

I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.

I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.

*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.

Creative Intelligence and Generational Curses

So my daughter and I were talking. I told her I was happy that she was comfortable enough when the kitchen flooded to cuss at me. To me that feels like she was able to express herself without worrying that I would be angry about it. I am big on self expression, which should surprise no one. She said that her therapist encouraged her to use whatever language she felt the need to express the thoughts in her head. *This is where I should note that we really don’t know any other language except American English. We know a few smattering of words in other languages, but not enough to be a fluency of it’s own…but swearing…well…yeah We swear like sailors around here. She mentioned that my mom had said that swearing shows a lack of intelligence. I so completely disagree. I think that it often is looked down upon, but there are times when a good creative swear (note I said creative) shows more intelligence than not. And not always does the swear have to be dirty. One of my favorites is a foreign (for me) word that means shame on you.

I have tried to make my home a place that my kids can call to express anything. I don’t judge them for speaking their minds. They can literally tell me anything. I am their safe space. For me that is what home should be. It is not what all of us had.