I realize that I have been absent for a week….it was however not intentional. between Dr’s appointments and books releasing….I just brain fogged. Though I did have a nice surprise. went to the Dr because I have a sinus infection and the check in notes acknowledged that I have fibromyalgia and Autism. both of them previous doctors were not willing to diagnose me with. though other doctors had? I am sure that they are correct and having a dr agree just feels so good.
I should be doing the daily thing again through November but I don’t think I’ll be doing the normal week posts as I am doing 2 pad challenges and trying to do the Fae 50k.
I am apparently more particular than I ever thought I was. I always thought I was low maintenance…and in some ways I guess I am. Being as creative as I am means I make most of my own accessories, I tend not to ask for a lot…I actually prefer the homemade gifts most of the time because I value the time so much more than the money.
However I broke one of my eyeglass chains, and that’s one of the few accessories I don’t make for myself. I know how but I just haven’t been truly interested in fighting with the reality of the quality of the things I want in such a thing. And they are really cheap on Amazon or at the dollar tree.
I thankfully was changing out my usual well worn bats for some beads as I love changing my accessories to match my mood and who doesn’t?
The problem is that when I was searching for some new ones I found myself refusing some of the really pretty ones because I don’t like the dangling stuff extra. I have 2 pairs and I don’t wear them because I move my head too much and the butterflies that each pair has end up smacking me or tangling up with the other chain and driving me nuts.
So I added a dozen different ones to my wishlist and that’s when it occurred to me. I found several that I really loved but I felt completely obsessed with what other options there were. I know that I will eventually get the ones that I was most excited about…but I was suddenly lost in a rabbit hole because the idea was so happy.
The truth hit me. I am not so much low maintenance as I am eccentric in my tastes. I am happier with someone spending time with me than I am money (though money doed unfortunately make the world go around) and I am so much more interested in the story of an object than the object itself. Which I think probably needs context…
I have things that I keep and will continue to repair until they are dust because I have a story to tell with them. They are a rich piece of life and every experience matters – even the traumatic ones. I may wonder if I would be missed if I left this world, but I could never do anything to make that happen because I honestly want to see what the story is.
what ever else you are going through..remember that you have a great story to tell…and I guarantee that there is always someone who is interested in listening.
So I rarely sign my art. unless I am doing an acrylic painting I often feel like I am pretending to be an artist and signing my work somehow legitimizes it in ways I am uncomfortable with. I showed my son a pencil drawing that I felt was both done and excellent that I had signed. I said it was worthy of the signature. He said all of my art is. I realize that he is biased. But so am I in a fashion. I see my art daily. So I will always see its flaws. I only sign it if I think I am done and it is not immediately something I hate. sometimes I don’t sign because I don’t feel like it is done.
When he was younger my son said I ruin my own art because I don’t know when to leave it alone. I try to improve it until it is trash. He was not wrong. Which is why I am wondering if he is right here. Should I sign all of it ?
I noticed that I have been doing better about the blog. I am on a streak of over a hundred days of daily posting. I don’t know if I will be able to keep it going. I’m sitting here telling myself that doing the normal things is good enough and if I miss the weekend, well it’s not a problem.
So are you believing my bs? Pretty sure I have stopped believing it. So, now I am probably going to be trying to figure out at least one more easy post. The book Review will be rotating in and out. The random rants will rotate. The random extras (like book birthdays, offshot announcements and stuff like that ) will be posted as needed.
I have a full plate of stuff to do. why do I do it to myself ? Oh yeah…mental illness and I really want to have people interacting with my blog. hmmm….I might start working on posting children’s activities for Sunday. Family Sunday sounds like a good time. So what should I do with Saturday?
I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.
I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.
I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.
I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.
So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.
I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.
So I will occasionally go and read the blogs others have posted. I find them interesting and want to see what others are posting…I have found some interesting things posted and then I have found regrets.
Regrets are posts that have wonderful things to say but need to be edited. Spell check please. I don’t want to share something with horrible spelling errors. Grammar and punctuation errors don’t bother me as much because they can be typos or choices but the huge spelling errors just make me cringe.
I have refused to share things on social media for the same reason. Seriously spell check is easy.
I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.
I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design. and sometimes I am even a decent person.
in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.
so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.
I spent my birthday awake…for 28 total hours. Awake. Then I crashed and was allowed to sleep for twelve…woke up feeling sick.(not used to that much sleep at any given time.)
So…That was a fun experience. I was surrounded by love..
I even got writing done, and cover creation – though I was told I should not because I will likely not be able to write all the volumes I have covers for now. You know what? I am too old to be told what to do. I will create covers for books till I die. Because I love doing it.
Okay. I have had time to calm down. We got dressed up. We looked amazing. We were so excited. We get there and find out that Falling in Reverse would not be there. Okay, That is only one of the TWO bands we were excited about. TBH we had not really heard Plush so we were ambivalent about them.
The Concert was half an hour after we were told to be there. We understood that was probably to give people time to find their seats. But People were arriving already drunk and loud. The idiot on the other side of Joe was screaming and smelled of beer. The smell of Pot permeated the whole damn stadium. (Not that I mind a good doobie but it was overwhelming.) When the concert did start it was not the order we were told. Plush came out first.
They were amazeballs.
I need to stress that because of how bad the rest was. The woman in the seats in front of us kept standing up to record with her cellphone. The screaming idiot did not stop for the music. All of the extra noise and smells sent Angel into a meltdown. So we decided to leave….And that is when I realized the woman on the other side of me was sitting on my dress. I tried to pull it loose and she just looked at me like I was an idiot. I literally had to ask her to please fucking get off my dress before she let me move.
We finally had to leave – we had only managed to handle three and a half of the songs. The rudeness of people ruined what could have been an amazing experience.
I don’t understand why people cannot just sit and enjoy the show. I only wish we could have stayed. Plush was amazing what we saw, and I imagine Disturbed were probably Better.
Pattimouse 