I forgot myself, for a while. It is easy to get caught up in a story and lose yourself in a well spun tale. I believed the image of life that I was given. I played the part of the mild mannered cab driver in the busy urban landscape.
While my life was not perfect, and really whose life is, I found myself content.
When they tell my story I believe they will say that I went stark raving mad. And perhaps it should be questioned when the media paints a portrait that differs from the norm.
I find myself wanting to leave my own version so that others like me don’t fall into the same trap. I think it’s only fair. One taste of freedom is almost enough to incite madness. The truth is not freedom, but something far darker.
I remembered who I was nearly a month ago now. He climbed into my cab smelling like a brewery and yelling at someone over the phone. I always hated the fares like this. I always ended up with a migraine afterwards.
It was the night of the blood moon. I almost didn’t work. The craziest people always came out on the full moon, and the weird moons were worse. The crimson moonlight was mesmerizing as I tried to ignore the smell coming from my backseat as he got himself settled.
He had barely slurred an address at me before he climbed into my cab but otherwise his attention was focused on cursing at top volume at whomever was on the other side of the call.
I pulled out into traffic slowly trying to block out the voice inside my head telling me that he was unworthy of life. I don’t know why I pretended I didn’t see the script above everyone’s heads. I suppose I worried I was insane. Was I ignoring the scripts unconsciously, or was it something that I was not supposed to see. These were things that I did not want to question, I guess I assumed everyone had an inner critic and I told myself that the scripts were just my overactive imagination.
I looked at the rear view trying to understand why I was so distracted. This was just another drunk idiot in my cab. Another day that ended in Y. Yet , something about this passenger on this night had me feeling the need to act.
I nearly swerved as I actually saw his scripts. Repressed memories hit like a tank. It was a good thing for the other drivers on that road that my reflexes kicked in at the same time. The clamoring of horns and cussing told me I had at least been noticed. Remembering who I was, and understanding the situation, I decided it would be safer for everyone if I drove us somewhere more discrete.
The scripts were where each person’s sins are collected, something that I had just remembered. It was meant to be a shadow ledger that directed the universe how to deal with your soul after you died. Before the fall, I was one of those sent to collect the worst of the sinners and carry them to their fates. The scripts on most people were inconsequential anyway. Otherwise they would go through a cleansing and be given the option of eternal rest or trying again. I enjoyed my job.
Before I forgot.
His scripts wrapped around him like a mummy’s bandage, doubling back over itself, and was covered in blood. His soul could never be clean again. I knew my duty. Though many of my brethren have as I had forgotten themselves after the fall, we still existed. This man would have reminded any of the immortal ones. He was a danger to mankind. That could not be allowed.
The only problem was that I no longer had the divine power. All of us lost that in the fall. In order to do the duty ahead I would have to be strategic. By this time he noticed we were not going to where he wanted to go. My only chance was to kill him. It would accomplish the same goal though it would be more effort for me. I was convinced that this was the only way. I was blinded by my own emotions. None of us on earth could even hear the divine voice, much less be given assignments. Still, I was certain that this was my job.
His drunken state would aid me. So would my appearance. I looked like a slender young man. “Sorry sir, I am having trouble with the car. I am pulling off so I can call it in. ” I reached over and killed my meter. “Rides free for the inconvenience.” That seemed to placate him for the moment.
I parked the car and pulled out a phone. Getting out casually added to the deception. I popped the hood, and pretended to call someone. I could still hear him berating his call. I looked around for a quick weapon. He got off the phone, and I knew time was growing short.
The rock I found was perfect. Discrete, and heavy. Something no human could easily lift. I prepared myself. The door opened. My aim was flawless. Between the red light of the moon and the immense amount of blood that spread from his skull as he fell I finally saw what the truth would be. I had, in doing my duty, created a script of my own. My sin was presuming I could know the mind of the divine.
Having a script means I am now mortal. If you find this my brethren, please learn from my mistakes. Continue forgetting.
My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I try to go to bed Suddenly all kinds of thoughts start racing round my head Sometimes creative visions and sometimes just creeping dread Or re-evalutions of the stupid things I’ve said Lying in the darkness in the silence on my own Trying hard to go to sleep and not look at my phone Wanting to wake somebody but staring at the void instead My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I try to go to bed
My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I want to go to sleep, Thoughts of past embarrassments each night upon me creep, Some random song from years ago gets stuck there on repeat Or worries about the week ahead just make my want to weep, Regulating temperature by flipping over my pillow Convinced I need the bathroom but not able to go, Trying everything from reading books to counting sheep, My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I want to go to sleep,
My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I try to close my eyes, Concerns I’d long forgotten about come back and say ‘Surprise!’ Smartphone internet seems like a curse now in disguise And the bed suddenly feels too small for someone of my size Jealous of my partner who drifts off so easily Turning over in frustration to watch them sleeping peacefully Only managing to doze off just before it’s time again to rise My brain won’t shut the fuck up when I try to close my eyes.
A girl disguises herself as a boy to train as a knight in this first book in Tamora Pierce’s Margaret A. Edwards Award–winning young adult series—now with a new look!
From now on, I’m Alan of Trebond, the younger twin. I’ll be a knight.
In a time when girls are forbidden to be warriors, Alanna of Trebond wants nothing more than to be a knight of the realm of Tortall. So she finds a way to switch places with her twin brother, Thom, and, disguised as a boy, begins her training as a page at the palace of King Roald. But the road to knighthood, as she discovers, is not an easy one. Alanna must master weapons, combat, and magic, as well as polite behavior, her temper, and even her own heart.
So begin Alanna’s adventures—filled with swords and sorcery, adventure and intrigue, good and evil—that will lead to the fulfillment of her dreams and make her a legend in the land.
My thoughts:
This young adult novel was far ahead of its time. A comfortable exploration of feeling trapped by social expectations for gender roles in a brilliantly told story. Strong characters (of both genders), realistic bullying in what would be seen as a school/work situation and actual consequences for the main character when she breaks the rules. Nothing is straight up handed to her to make her better, she earns it. There are layers of magic written into the world and the main character has a natural talent that scares her. Her twin has the same and rejoices about it. He was a scholar in the time when boys were expected to be knights. She is a warrior and a noble. Noble girls are expected to be worried about securing a good marriage and having babies. Her choice was unconventional and the start of an amazing saga.
I decided to change my post for today for a few reasons.
1 due to a scheduling snafu I lost my record of daily postings.
2 I want to say a few things about politics/ life/death/ shoes/ ships/sealing wax/cabbages/kings
3 I had a scheduling snafu for Friday through Sunday and am at 423 am trying to fix my blog.
4 I last slept Wednesday
There were two tragedies in public display in America this week. The death of Charlie Kirk and a school shooting in Denver.
I found out when I said I felt….. And followed with my opinion I was automatically wrong according to everyone. My main opinion was that killing people is wrong. Even if the person who was killed was a garbage human.
I am not a fan of politics. I fully have a live and let live attitude. I believe communism is a great idea but human nature prevents it from working. I believe in individual freedom and Equality. I would love to see true world peace and weep at the impossible nature of it.
I am also a dreamer and creative soul.
I spend most days in pain because I worry about the ones I love so much I give myself headaches unintentionally.
I want to take care of everyone. Which is patiently impossible because not everyone has my heart and will take advantage of my kindness.
so, I am stopping and taking a breath.
Charlie Kirk was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
Martin Luther King Jr was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
Malcolm X was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.
I can continue this list but I don’t want to ruin my point.
..……….…
Regardless of what you thought about either tragedy both left families with someone to bury.
be considerate when you go online and cheer about another human dying. Live a life. Have opinions. But remember there but for the grace of God….
(And no that is not a religious statement. it is a thought process.)
My grandma phrased it better in my opinion. She would often say “I cried for my lack of shoes until I met a man with no feet.”
The old house had many shadows. Some still moved, others had forgotten even how to do that. The child looked confused, and as she did at least once per day, asked the same question. ” Tell me again Grandma, how did we die?” The grandmother sighed. She knew that the child could no longer help her memory escaping, but it was beginning to be difficult even for her. The fog in her memory made the daily story change slightly.
Still, it seemed to calm the child. So she sat down and motioned for the child to join. Then she began. “We moved into this house before you were born. Back then it was your mother, your father, and me. The house had so much extra space and it was so cheap that it felt like a dream. We were here when your mom discovered she was pregnant. We were so excited that you would join us.”
As always the child interrupted. “Where is mommy? And Daddy? Did they not love us anymore?”
Indulgently, the grandmother continued as she had every night before. “They still live child. They love us and grieve for us every day. We have died and we are staying together here. Do not fret child. We have each other.”
Hugging the child close, and being grateful again that ghosts could touch each other, the grandmother continued. “This house had dark things living in the dark spaces. Things that we did not know about when we moved in. You were such a bright light when you were born that we nearly could ignore that darkness. We lived here with you for two years. Then the darkness got worse. We started to react to it.”
The child shivered in her arms, afraid of the darkness that they knew was dangerous. Grandma hesitated, as always afraid that the child may be to innocent to understand the story told. Though she had been telling the story for nearly fifty years, the child was only three when they died. It seemed cruel to her that they remained. She found herself wondering why the hand of death otherwise known as the reaper had not shown themselves to lead the shades to the afterlife. It worried her.
Still, to comfort the child she continued with the story.
The grandma never questioned how she was able to speak. The only thing she cared about was that she could give the child comfort.
“The darkness was something that we didn’t understand. I died first. I died in my sleep. The family was sick with grief, and I was unable to communicate with them. I remained like that for a whole year before you joined me. I did not expect to see you so soon. You were following a shadow from your room and fell down the stairs. Your parents were lost in their grief and left the house. Too much evil hqd happened here. Now we await Death’s Hand to lead us to the afterlife.”
The child looked at grandma confused.”When will they come ? Will we be able to see mommy and daddy again ?”
Grandma smiled softly “They will join us when it is their time..I believe that Death’s Hand will come to lead us home when we four are joined again.”
With the child calmed down and the story done, Grandma settled in with the child and pretended she was not worried about the time they had been there. The house was something outside of time. She was afraid as she didn’t know how to end the eternity of the darkness that they have existed in.
I can feel the darkness around me Hottie drives a little white Audi I don’t know how, but she found me Yeah, she got my cell and my address And she’s the reaper in a black dress Got myself in another mess Blame it on the whiskey She don’t even miss me She comin’ in hot, she a bad bitch Cuttin’ my heart like a savage Trade in my soul, she can have it Let me introduce you to my new bad habit I got a disease, yeah, I got an addiction I’m down on my knees, truth is stranger than fiction If the drugs don’t kill me, then the loneliness will I wanna breathe you in (breathe you in) I wanna be your fool (be your fool) I wanna be your drug And I wanna lick your wounds She comin’ in hot, she a bad bitch Cuttin’ my heart like a savage Trade in my soul, she can have it Let me introduce you to my new bad habit
My 2 cents –
I was recently introduced to this one. it has a few interesting lines.
Pattimouse 