Category: Life

Thursday Straight Talk (a day early)

Tw: mention of abuse, suicide, and rape.

I have ptsd. This is not something that I tend to talk about often because it has a stigma attached. I get claustrophobic. I hyperventilate. I dissociate. I struggle with the urge to hide. I am an insomniac. I am a survivor. None of the things I have listed make me a bad person. Most are the result of trauma and of keeping myself so hypervigilant for so long. I see a doctor. I take meds. Some days are better than others. I have learned coping methods. I have learned to be aware of my triggers. No I am not a snowflake. No I don’t have to have a safe place. I don’t even know what a safe place is. I take life one day at a time. I have panic moments as so many people do. They are from knowing that real monsters exist in this world. Monsters that hide in human skin. I am not suicidal. I really don’t want to die. However on my bad days I find that I wish I had never been born. I struggle with telling my story. I spoke my truth. I was called a liar. I came forward with one piece… And was not believed. I only told one person, because I was a child. If a child tells you their pain… Believe them. For you may be the only one they tell. My journey has been long. I was so fractured that I had at one point nearly 13 separate “alters” I am down to two. I used to have nightmares nightly. I am down to on average twice a month. Struggling with this does not make me less. I have come an amazingly long way… From losing months of time to now I lose an hour rarely. I am healing.

This is not something that I expected to post, if I am honest. I am careful about letting this all be “known” because I have others in my life that I know are embarrassed when the topic comes up. I have no reason for embarrassment. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, I love them. So I hold my tongue sometimes. However, I have been thinking about it. Perhaps it is not the right thing to do. I think that perhaps sharing the struggle might be more helpful for others who are struggling. I don’t know if I will share the details, yet.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The man who did it abused others. He served time for one, and only one, of his victims. He has never been to court for what he did to me.

I survived a gang rape. And I survived another rape.

I survived domestic violence, by more than one of my relationships. My current love is the first time I have not been physically abused by the man in my life.

I have been homeless. I have been without food. I learned how to survive in each of these cases.

I have done things that I was not proud of. Hasn’t everyone? So, if I have a bad day… I might post some depression memes on social media. My poetry may get a bit darker. My art angrier.

Still. I survive. I am always here ready to listen. I understand what survival costs. Some days are better than others. Today I did not sleep. My mind would not quiet. Today my mind was attacking me with my faults in litany. Tomorrow may be better.

I know that this is published on Wednesday. I will post the art for Wednesday a day late because I think that this is important.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Writing Friday

Writing. Crap. What do I say? Do I sit here and try to explain that, at least for me, writing is something akin to breathing? That there’s never been a time when I didn’t need to put words together? And then I would have to tell you just how it feels to read what I wrote and think that I am not cut out for this. How many people who I know personally who are brilliant at this whole writing gig. Still… I would have to mention that the idea of stopping is actually painful. It has been how I was able to see the answers to life, since before I ever realized that there was a question.

Usually, I try to use the Friday post to give tips, and help with the whole writing and publishing thing. And I think that is great to keep the blog going… But today I was thinking about the reason why I write. Yeah… I could probably claim that I was trying to add beauty. But I don’t generally lie. My art is more how I do beauty. Abstract and pencil drawings to encourage happiness in the eye of the beholder. My children’s books are a way of connecting with my daughter, as they have thus far been stories I told her, or wrote for her. Serena’s stuff is stories that I want to read. But if I am honest with myself… My main writing is my poetry.

My poetry will never be hallmark stuff. My poetry is raw emotion and survival. I have lived a survivors life. My poetry is how I have been able to express myself even when my voice was stolen. I could write my story… Even though I was being told I lied. I could write it and it was accepted because it was poetry. It was written in a way that meant I was non-threatening to those who were part of hurting me. And it was written off as just an angsty teen writing depressing poetry… For don’t we all have that stage?

After I was free, and I was no longer needing verse to speak my truth, well it was still the easiest way to speak my pain. To spread my views. It was habit. I may never be able to sit along with the likes of Poe or Dickenson… But my words will remain. I will be there when another lost soul seeks to know that they are not alone.

Thursday Tea party

So, here we are again… Sugar? Cream? Oh my… Is there enough room for all of you to squeeze in?

Serena tells me that she has broken the block and is writing again on Life, guilt, and undeath. She apparently now knows how it will end. Here’s hoping that she finishes soon, as I can’t wait to read it.

My sister and I have started a publishing company. fae corps publishing will be releasing our first anthology in July. Under the mists will feature stories about the dark fae by some truly amazing authors. This has been an amazing journey. Serena has a story in there, along with five others. We are going to be spotlighting authors and artists on our blog. If we get enough submissions we will also do a quarterly Ezine.

I know that Dream Drips is still relatively new… But I am over halfway through the writing for Ink Splashes. I think that I will be releasing it in July. I might be mistaken… But it is something to keep an eye out for.

I have been accepted in the summer edition of Creatives Rising. My poem Serendipity will be included in there. The other creatives who are involved are so wonderful. I really am excited about this edition. I will be posting the subscribe link when they give it to me.. Watch for it.

If you are an indie artist or artist and want to be seen somewhere new go over to the Fae Corps blog and submit your work. We will be doing spotlights and posting poetry, short stories, art, and photgraphy that we feel shows the quality of indie work.

All in all it looks like the next couple of months are going to be fun. What do you have coming up? Anything fun?

Tuesday Tunes.

Music is such a potent part of my life. It always has been. My taste in music ranges from the obvious you have to hear this to omg please don’t judge me. Lol. My father’s grandfather owned a country station (Wpwc) in Dumfries, Virginia when I was a child. I spent a lot of time there. So much so that I wanted to be a Dj as a child.

That was not the dream that I ended up following. Still, music has always had a influence on my life. My mom was Country all the way. She has never listened to anything else really. My dad was into the old rock. And my grandma loved classical music. My personal music library has a little of everything. Though, nowadays I listen to YouTube mostly. Yeah… I know about Spotify. I don’t like the controls. YouTube is just easier for me.

Some of my favorite artists are

P!NK, Disturbed, Reba, Fleetwood Mac, Metallica, Handel, LL Cool J,

Twenty one pilots, Panic! At the Disco, Martina McBride, Bad Wolves, and so many more. I think that a well written song is meant to pull the heart from the listener. And the best songs are not always sung by the right artist first. I have some songs where I prefer the cover, and others that the original is my favorite. For example…Careless Whisper the remake & The Original. It is a disagreement in my house because I am an original sort of girl there, and the boyfriend loves the remake.

Music has such an impact on social ideals, and society in general. Everyone views it differently. How do you view music? What is your favorite song or artist? Has music influnced your life in any specific way?

Friday wrap up

(*image from Google.)

Well, I have been away. It was why I was not updating this week. I rented a car on Monday with a plan in mind… Yeah, as usual, nothing went as I planned.

The plan was to go to North Carolina and see my brother. Then I would head slightly north to see my eldest son and meet my newest grandson. From there I would go up to the hotel room I rented near my childhood babysitter and my dad.

I got half way to my first stop, running behind… It took over an hour to rent the car due to a bank snafu. My brother is not too far from my best friend. She lives roughly an hour to an hour and a half from him. Now, mind that I had not been able to do the in person meet with her yet. So I kinda figured that I would stay half an hour to an hour with my brother… Yeah… Lol, I think I ended up staying three. I knew that neither my brother nor my son had the space for my daughter and I. I also realized that making it to my motel was not happening that day.

I asked my bestie if I could come meet her. I was not sure yet what I was going to do about sleep. We would cross that bridge when we got there. If nothing else we would crash in the car. Of course she agreed, and insisted that we crash on her couch. (She has a huge couch that easily fit both of us). She fed us and we enjoyed the visit. We stayed there overnight and then I had to force myself to leave when the time came.

The next stop was to my son’s house. I ended up running later there because of rush hour traffic in Raleigh. That was not fun. My daughter was “Dj’ing” and we spent a great deal of time talking. Still traffic made me have to concentrate more on the actual driving.

The rental was really good on gas. So I really only had to fill up three times the whole trip. The gas prices are so much better in North Carolina, and in Virginia as well. Here in West Virginia, gas prices are around two eighty. I think that the highest price I paid was $2.55.

I got to finally meet with my beautiful grandson. He is such a active and happy little man. My son and his family welcomed us with dinner. Both my bestie and my son’s mother-in-law spoiled my daughter, making her feel so special.

We stayed with my son and his family for about three hours. His house is around three hours to the motel… We pulled up to the motel around two thirty in the morning. Check out was eleven, and we couldn’t afford to miss it. So I did a shower, as I felt so gross, and crashed.

The original plan had me staying at the motel three days. The car had to be back by Thursday noon. So I had to be home Wednesday night sometime.

I got to visit my dad, and my childhood babysitter. I enjoyed myself. The downside is that I spent the majority of this week driving, or peopling. I am exhausted. I have poetry challenges to still catch up on. I have done no writing this week really. Nor really any art. Next week I will be posting again on schedule. Monday poetry, Tuesday Tunes, Wordless Wednesday, Thursday Tea Party, and Friday writing. Thank you for being patient with me.

Time flies

Tuesday I did a “date” with my teenage daughter. This is time for her and I where she is the absolute center of my attention. Don’t get me wrong… She always has my attention. However, as mom, there is a million things that have my attention. Our dates are where dad, house, writing, and other assorted hats that I wear are thrown in the closet for the time we are together. This time we watched some television (her choice of shows) and made bath bombs.

Bath bombs are apparently more her craft than mine. She was brilliant with the crafting. Hers stayed together better, and generally were neater.

Making bath bombs were easy and fun. The recipe we used was:

1 cup baking soda

1/2 cup Epsom salts

1/2 cup citric acid

1/2 cup corn starch

1 tbsp water

1 tbsp mineral oil

1 tsp essential oil

4-6 drops food color

She made some neat variation in the color of the bombs. I only had picked up a very basic mold set as I was unsure whether or not we would enjoy it or not. She wants to continue with crafting them, so I have been eyeballing some other equipment on Amazon.

Y’all would not believe the mess this made. My dining room is covered in a layer of dust.

Black food coloring comes out a dark green.

You really have to put some pressure on the mold to get the bombs to hold together. There is a definite need for patience with this.

I was responsible for the “half ” bombs. One I made split after being set to the side to dry. The bombs need to sit for 48 hours to dry.

Mistakes were made. But isn’t that part of the fun?

The drying rack at the end of the making. All in all the bath bombs were not incredibly expensive to make. Walmart carries many of the supplies cheaply. It was a fun adventure with my girl.

Tuesday Tea Party

Hi all! Hopefully you had a good memorial day. I have a few announcements. And I am about to take a vacation… The first in years.

My first announcement is that I am going to be part of a new ezine/blog. We will be focusing on indie authors. We are going to accept submissions of stories, poetry, and art. It will be at faecorpspublishing. It is also the publishing house that we will be using to publish Under the mists anthology. We are looking at a July release of the anthology. I can tell you the stories in Under the mists are a wonderful read. We are already discussing what our next anthology topic will be.

My vacation is a roadtrip with my daughter. I will try to take pictures to share. I plan to visit my brother, meet my beautiful new grandson, visit my son, visit my dad, and see my babysitter. I haven’t seen my babysitter in 20+ years. She was a second mom when I was a kid. I am looking forward to the trip and the girl time with my teenager. We are going to start today by making bathbombs to take as gifts.

I plan to do some prescheduled posts for next week. However I cannot promise to do a daily post as I am busy packing for a trip that is longer than I have been on in twenty some years.

I hope that I will have a lot more to post about in the months ahead. Between the new publishing group and other upcoming events, I think that I will have much to share with you.

Insomnia attacks

Since I am sleep deprived and have no spoons to spare… Here is some poetry to make up for the lack of a post.

Tuesday Tea party

I have some announcements and I just generally felt like rambling a bit. First… Let’s get the announcement portion done.

This week my writing advice on Friday will be about poetry. Depending upon the response I may do more about poetry. We will see.

I have been accepted to write poetry for Creative Risings Ezine. I will be posting the links and information as I have it. However, I do think that this issue is going to be amazing. Not only is the topics interesting, but the creators are an amazing bunch.

Under the mists is in the editing process. The stories are all really good. I am personally excited to be working on this project.

I have submitted some poems to a couple of lit mags. I await to hear if that will bear fruit. If it does, I’ll be posting links and probably a bunch of excited whoops. Lol

Ink Splashes has been flowing. I just started it a couple of days ago and I already have 17 poems out of the 70.

The first week in June, from the 3rd until the 7th, I will not be posting any posts. I am going on a road trip to see my brother, my son, my grandson, my dad, and my aunt and her family. It’s not that the trip is all that far. It will be around 550 miles round trip. I just plan to focus on my family for the trip.

Whew. That was a lot of announcements. I feel like I am forgetting something. Y’all already know that Dream Drips was released. I have been doing reasonably well at posting on my Patreon. There have been a couple of art delays where I had to post it the next day. I have caught up both times. I have been collecting art prompts, so I can keep doing a daily sketch for patreon… And because it helps me improve.

I try to set goals for myself and the stuff like writing and art. My writing goal is 500 words or a poem a day. I used to include a blog post as a “or” in that but I have gotten my blog posts on a schedule… Somewhat. With 500 words it gives me leeway. My children’s books are often less than 5000 words in total. Honestly the current W. I. P. Is middle grade and will be longer than the others. However, if I am working on Serena’s stuff… Well 500 words is better than none. Slow progress is better than none. Well, even though I love to draw… I have been avoiding setting a goal.

Then I was scrambling for content for patreon. I have been doing mostly writing here. So I needed something that I was not really doing here. I wanted to feel like my patrons were getting some unique content. So when I read about the mermay drawing challenge, I figured it was worth a shot. And I also about the same time decided to do a digital art piece here for Wordlessly Wednesday. So, I think it is time to add an art goal. Besides the digital piece for here on Wednesday, I am going to attempt a drawing of some sort daily. It is how I will improve.

Wow, I said rambling but this post ended up way longer than I intended. So tell me, is there something that you want to see me draw?

Thursday truths

First thing, I have published Dream Drips. I will be posting a new release link post as soon as it is completely live. (Takes up to 72 hours.)

My poetry has been accepted for the summer edition of Creatives Rising Ezine. I am always honored to be chosen to contribute.

I have been doing a weekly digital abstract piece for my wordless Wednesday blog. So far it seems to be well received. I think that I shall continue with that.

I came to the realization last night. As a publishing company, we have done 23 books. 21 for me, (3 children’s books, and 18 poetry), and Serena has 2(a novel, and a novella). Serenity Studios has only been a thing since 2010. That seems so amazing to me.

Also, a minor note. I noticed that I had neglected to upload the ebook version of Soul Drops to Amazon. There was a good reason for this. I use draft2digital for most of my eBook publishing. However I had decided that I didn’t like how Amazon was set up through them. So I had done soul drops paperback on kdp… And the ebook through d2d. The problem is… Because I did not like the set up… I ended up not complying with the required information on d2d for amazon. Forgetting that I had done soul drops that way. I realized that today. So I fixed it. It will be live in 72 hours.