I spent my birthday awake…for 28 total hours. Awake. Then I crashed and was allowed to sleep for twelve…woke up feeling sick.(not used to that much sleep at any given time.)
So…That was a fun experience. I was surrounded by love..
I even got writing done, and cover creation – though I was told I should not because I will likely not be able to write all the volumes I have covers for now. You know what? I am too old to be told what to do. I will create covers for books till I die. Because I love doing it.
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
I battle with depression, but the question still remains Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage? And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?
Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m a popular, popular monster
I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?
Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Motherfucker, now you got my attention I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified
I fell asleep at the wheel again Crashed my car just to feel again It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m a popular, popular fucking monster
Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh We’re sick and tired of wondering Praying to a god that you don’t believe We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found So the question I ask is Oh, where the fuck is your god now?
‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster I break down, falling into love now with falling apart I’m not a popular, popular monster
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer I’m a popular, popular monster
My 2 Cents –
There is something awful about this process. That loss of faith. In God, In community, In Self. And it is worse when you are being told that there is something wrong with you at the same time. There is not a damn thing wrong with being a monster. Be a monster, be yourself, Be Unique (10 points if you know where that is from)
They say that what you take pictures of is what you see as important. I remember the first camera I had. It was a cheap one that took 35mm film. That excitement of taking pictures…then I paid for development. The disappointment of the pictures were so blurry and disjointed.
It was enough to be a reason why I didn’t take pictures for years. That camera was a painful thing from my teen years. If digital ones had been available I would have figured out how to do more with them, but it was just not a thing. I could have used a Polaroid but they were expensive and I was poor.
So when my youngest child was born my friend bought me a new digital one. I took thousands of pictures of my daughter and her cousin. Babies are so good at looking adorable even if the one holding the camera is not good at the setting up the shot.
That camera was stolen when we had “friends” over for a Christmas dinner. But by that point I had a smart phone. So I kept learning about taking pictures.
Now I still have the random awful picture, but I have learned to accept that I don’t have to be a professional quality photographer. I take pictures of what I want to remember and when I look at the picture I have a memory. Sometimes I even have a good picture.
So, I ask you… what do you photograph? And are you any good at it? Or like me do you just have memories and the occasional good shot?
so I have been making future poetry volume covers… whether I ever get to write them… I enjoy creating them. WordPress doesn’t yet have the space for me to share my pictures…. so I have been putting them on Facebook in a public album. so I wanted to share my joy on my birthday. I am hoping that the link works. if not… look up my fb page (pattimouseauthor) and it is one of my public albums.
Who will save you? The voices want to end me With words just like a blade Cutting pieces from me ‘Til nothing remains, ’til I go insane Eyes in the mirror that cannot be mine Beggin’ this stranger, “Get out of my mind” Fear overcomes me when I realize It’s only me I keep on screamin’, “Help!” I cannot breathe, someone save me from this hell Trapped in this fight, all I can find is myself Alone in my mind, demons come to life (who will save you?) And over time, demons come to life Masters of seduction And I like how they dance Feeding my addiction I play their game, another hit of pain Eyes in the mirror that cannot be mine Beggin’ this stranger, “Get out of my mind” Fear overcomes me when I realize It’s only me I keep on screaming, “Help!” I cannot breathe, someone save me from this hell Trapped in this fight, all I can find is myself Alone in my mind, demons come to life (who will save you?) And over time, demons come I’m not well, I wish I was happy The world can’t help, ’cause this storm’s inside me Still, I try, I’m tryin’ to change But there’s something broken, fucked up in my brain Partum my demons, there’s no reason Part of me wants to be stuck in this dream, and I can’t save me I can’t save me (Who will save you?) I can’t save me (Who will save you?) I can’t I keep on screaming, “Help!” (Who will save you?) I cannot breathe, someone save me from this hell (who will save you?) Trapped in this fight, all I can find is myself (who will save you?) Alone in my mind (in my mind), demons come to life (who will save you?) And over time, demons come to life Who will save me when demons come to life? (Who will save you?) Who will save me when demons come to life? (Who will save you?) Who will save me? (When demons come to life) When demons come to life I’m not well, I wish I was happy (wish I was happy) Demons come to life
My 2 Cents –
this is a hard time of year for my mental health. my birthday is the 13th and I am still trying to figure out how I managed to live this long.
Pattimouse 