Category: positive thoughts

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.

Therapy thoughts

Meme - Overthinking

I have never had great self esteem. I honestly do not see myself with the eyes others have. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. I struggle with where I fit in society. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome war for control of my life. But then there is all I am capable of.

I can make candles. I can make lovely jewelry. I make resin art. I paint. I sketch. I do digital art. I do watercolor art and other multimedia art. I code in c++. I sew. I crotchet. I garden. I bake. I cook. I edit. I write poetry. I write stories. I do amateur photography. I have random bits of useless knowledge in my head. I help people. I do cover design.  and sometimes I am even a decent person.

in the social life I struggle with interacting and being friends. I don’t see the beauty of my own body but I am able to see the intelligence and kindness within.

so maybe it’s just me over thinking what self esteem really means.

Winner of the poll

Cover Image

Though I got other votes the majority seem to want Rising Madness. I am literally 3 poems away from completing Graphic Disturbances. As I am currently covered over at Fae Corps Publishing it will probably be July before I am capable of releasing it.

I Will be sure to let you know when I have more information about the release.

MerMay and the others announcement

okay first thing I am doing Fae Corps Publishing’s MerMay challenge. This means I will be continuing to post daily for the month of May. That means I will be still on hiatus for the daily normal posts.

Second, I am paying for the blog to allow the use of more images here. it will adjust the website for my blog page slightly. That should take effect on the third.

I hope you enjoy the art.

I may try to post some poetry just to keep my blog somewhat writing based. lol

April is in bloom

Meme - emotional description

So I normally do a small break of sorts during two months of the year from my normal posts. April and November. The reason for this is I am posting daily poetry and the other posts are just a bit much to add on. I will return to the weekly posts in May (Maybe. I am considering doing mermay this year. Which would mean an art post daily instead via instagram links.) Regardless there will be content, just not the Same posts I usually do.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme - emotional description

my desk is piled high and I am desperately trying trying to get caught up.

I am so far behind because of the flare that I am struggling to keep from sending my body back in to a meltdown state.

so I may not be able to meet deadlines. I am going to try. but I am not aiming to be down again.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

To be honest I did not know what to say this week.

How often can you complain about the same thing before even you start to see it as just whining? And that is often the thing with chronic illness…we end up feeling like we are whining. No one wants to hear that it hurts for the millionth time. We can’t do anything that remotely feels useful.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone is interested in the dribble I do have to say. Then I think about it and realize that it doesn’t matter. I still need to speak my truth. I still have to get up and fight every day. Giving up is not in the cards.

So, Though I really didn’t know what to say today…I wanted to at the very least say HI. I Exist!

Thursday Thoughts

I am terrible at accountability posting.

I keep meaning to post my word counts for the day on my Facebook account. I update them as I write anything for my own personal ability to keep track of where I am and I mean to post it. I move on to other things that I have to do and I forget to go back more often than not.

And the way I have my work listed may end up making people confused. Things only stay on the list until they are done. Then the list occasionally will not sync. so I get random mistakes in it as to how much is in a poetry volume. Or I have a notification on the top saying that it has a conflict from another version.

I love the feeling of accomplishment I feel when I do share the word counts. it feels like I am saying hey I am making progress. Unfortunately I mostly end up feeling ashamed because I forgot to post it.

I think that’s one of the main problems with juggling so much. The dropped balls become shame. I try to make sure that I only drop the ones that will bounce. I might be capable of catching them and then I can get them in the next pass.

Thursday Thoughts

Meme

Tuesday I mentioned that I was going in for an MRI. I said I would explain it today.

I have always called my issues with closed spaces Claustrophobia. I knew where I got the fear from…but NOTHING I did could overcome that. Someone once told me that there was two types of fear. The kind where you are in a life or death situation and the type where you can overcome it. For my brain the being locked in somewhere is a life or death situation. It is not Claustrophobia in the normal sense though. I told my therapist about it, and the panic that just the thought of the MRI was giving me…and she identified it as a PTSD trigger.

I survived the test. It wasn’t even as bad as I had expected it to be. It was not as bad as previous MRI’s have been. Maybe that is because I was able to prepare. I was able to compartmentalize and tell myself I was not in danger. I am no longer the nine year old child being locked in the trunk of a car and being told I will die. I am healing.

Thursday Thoughts

okay  Tomorrow is Valentines day.

The history is interesting, but I have issues with the implementation.

Dates don’t have to be expensive. the best dates I have had were sitting down by the creek and talking.

the pressure to buying gifts for each other is really uncomfortable.

I enjoy buying gifts and getting gifts without the strings attached.

I would rather capitalism not control my life.