Category: pain

Saturday Thoughts

This is my work in progress list… and how I keep track of my word count. And I found myself needing to change it recently to add details.

As you can see I made quite a lot of progress this week. unfortunately Much of it was yesterday and today I am feeling like I have overdone.

I am still healing. Yesterday I felt better than I have in at least the last three years. So, I fixed breakfast. I body doubled so my son could get some dishes done. I sat with him to help him do a chore I promised to do myself 3 months ago and flaked on. I was up and out of the bed all day. Which felt so good. And now I am in so much pain that just sitting here waiting for the meds to kick in is excruciating.

I will be moving slower today. I am likely to be napping at least some time today. And I have to give myself that grace because surgery was just a little bit more than a week ago. I want my body to heal.

However, I am feeling better.  So, that means that the surgery is worth it.

Now, I Do realize that my adjustments will probably open up questions. so I am not doing a book review tomorrow…instead I will post a Q&A ASk me anything day. see you tomorrow.

Too tired tuesday

Meme-emotional description

Okay I tried…seriously. but I couldn’t think well enough of anything but the surgery to pick a song. Yeah I know my son or my boyfriend would have suggested a great song… but one of my personal rules for the music on Tuesday is I want to at least have SOMETHING to say about the song. And well I am stressed enough that I would not have much to say. I hope to bring a good choice next week.

Talking Tuesday

okay I will admit that a lot of the poetry I write has a darker tone. my art is more childish but it too has some dark tones. I will say it is because of my life thus far.

There’s whimsy and love notes mixed in the dark things. I recently got a comment on one of my poems that bothered me. I am sure that it was from a good place, but what if it wasn’t.

I mean I don’t want my poetry or art to push someone to the point of no return. please if my words make you feel like you need to do something drastic ….stop. you are a light in the world whether you realize it or not.

No one in all of heaven or earth is unimportant.

if you need to send me a message. I will always respond even if I only get to do so once.

This felt more important than Tuesday Tunes. that returns next week.

did you miss me?

I know I missed the post yesterday. i was mostly imitating a corpse. Saturday night I was feeling pretty exhausted and I checked my blood sugar. it was 595 before I ate. so I ate and took my night meds then went to bed.

Yesterday my youngest son forced me to get up to eat and take my shot and meds. my blood sugar was 210. but I was still so tired.

i woke up around 630 am this morning. my sugar was 200. and I am feeling better. I believe that the high blood sugar was the reason why I crashed. so I apologize for the missing post yesterday but I was just too sick to deal with it.

it really is the little things

Meme - Feeling Invisible

Today I am alive.

Everything hurts, my health is uncertain, and my mental health is in the toilet. This is the first time in the last decade I have failed to do the pad challenge.

For me it means I am being unreliable for the people who are depending on me, and I hate it. I have never been the one that needed expensive things…but today I needed a pick me up.

I needed to get out of the house.

I needed a dirty Chai tea. (this is a Chai tea with a shot of espresso)

I needed five minutes when no one was depending on me while I was wanting to fall apart.

That feels so selfish.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have responsibilities…expectations…obligations. And I have always been able to do it. I gave of myself until everyone else had. Now I have to put my self first. and it’s so strange.

Yesterday I couldn’t find the energy to do the work I needed to do. Now after I enjoyed the Chai I will be able to do some of it.

I am still struggling, and I won’t be able to even get answers about my health issues until February.

Illness has me

Meme-emotional description

This is the first time in a while I have struggled with the pad challenge. I am going to try to get it caught up…but I don’t know if I will be able to. I’m sick. Not the normal this time of year thing, though I wish it was. I just got over a nasty sinus infection, but I am still working on dealing with other issues that are making me feel like sleeping all the time.

I will get over it, I think…but I am not sure how long it will take. Until I get back to 100 % I am probably gonna be behind on everything. I am going to try to keep up…but I can’t promise anything right now.

life updates

I realize that I have been absent for a week….it was however not intentional. between Dr’s appointments and books releasing….I just brain fogged. Though I did have a nice surprise. went to the Dr because I have a sinus infection and the check in notes acknowledged that I have fibromyalgia and Autism. both of them previous doctors were not willing to diagnose me with. though other doctors had? I am sure that they are correct and having a dr agree just feels so good.

I should be doing the daily thing again through November but I don’t think I’ll be doing the normal week posts as I am doing 2 pad challenges and trying to do the Fae 50k.

Saturday thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

I will be going back to the other sort of Saturday post hopefully next week. I am feeling rotten, and the world just seems awful lately. So I thought I would again share my thoughts. (I did not get Saturday Scheduled ahead so this is a last minute scramble for a post as well)

This has been a rough week. Lots of Doctor visits and medical tests. I fell twice. And I feel like I got nothing done. Perhaps that is why I am doing the switch on the post. I need to feel like there is more to me than just what I get done.

I know how to do so many things. I can do resin crafts, sewing, Plastic Canvas, Needlepoint, Digital art, Coding in C++, Calligraphy, Acrylic and Watercolor Painting, Candlemaking, Soapmaking, Play Piano, Book binding, Offset Printing, First Aid, Graphic/Cover Design, basic jewelry design, metal working, wood working, Bread baking, Basic cooking, writing stories & poetry, Editing, and so much more. Still there are days when I feel like I am useless.

Why? because I couldn’t do the mamogram on the right side because of pain. Because my hands curl due to arthritis. Because I get so dizzy I randomly lose my balance. Because I legitimately forget to eat. I struggle to remember to take the pharmacy I am supposed to take twice a day. (20 pills in the morning, 18 pills at night, and a shot once a week) I either stay awake 3-4 days at a time or I sleep 24 hours straight. and I never feel rested. So I feel useless a lot. Am I? nah, but that doesn’t mean that feeling is any less. I didn’t even mention that I taught myself how to publish. I have taught myself most of the skills I have. The only “Talent” I have (An ability that I did not need to practice or study) is writing poetry…and even that I have improved by simply practicing. So if, like me, you are feeling useless….stop and list all that you know how to do. I believe it will help you feel better about you.

Saturday thoughts

Meme - Feeling Invisible

I decided to change my post for today for a few reasons.

1 due to a scheduling snafu I lost my record of daily postings.

2 I want to say a few things about politics/ life/death/ shoes/ ships/sealing wax/cabbages/kings

3 I had a scheduling snafu for Friday through Sunday and am at 423 am trying to fix my blog.

4 I last slept Wednesday

There were two tragedies in public display in America this week.  The death of Charlie Kirk and a school shooting in Denver.

I found out when I said I felt….. And followed with my opinion I was automatically wrong according to everyone. My main opinion was that killing people is wrong. Even if the person who was killed was a garbage human.

I am not a fan of politics. I fully have a live and let live attitude. I believe communism is a great idea but human nature prevents it from working. I believe in individual freedom and Equality. I would love to see true world peace and weep at the impossible nature of it.

I am also a dreamer and creative soul.

I spend most days in pain because I worry about the ones I love so much I give myself headaches unintentionally.

I want to take care of everyone. Which is patiently impossible because not everyone has my heart and will take advantage of my kindness.

so, I am stopping and taking a breath.

Charlie Kirk was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.

Martin Luther King Jr was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.

Malcolm X was a human. He was killed for having an opinion.

I can continue this list but I don’t want to ruin my point.

..……….…

Regardless of what you thought about either tragedy both left families with someone to bury.

be considerate when you go online and cheer about another human dying. Live a life. Have opinions. But remember there but for the grace of God….

(And no that is not a religious statement. it is a thought process.)

My grandma phrased it better in my opinion.  She would often say “I cried for my lack of shoes until I met a man with no feet.”

Today I am grateful to be alive. What about you?

Inside my own head

Meme - Overthinking

I find myself introspective a lot more lately. I am going through my computer files and transferring stuff from my phone. I have been trying to clean up the duplicates and sort and organize it.

I am finding myself amazed by the sheer volume of files. They are pictures of my poetry and art I have made. I wish I could say that I see the progress in my art. It seems like I either draw or create art beautifully or like a brain dead kindergartener. There’s no middle line apparently.

I have been fighting a wound on my foot since October and now that it is healed I am allowed to do stuff. So I looked at the mess that my personal space has become because I was not allowed to be on my feet and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to start.

I just sat down and went to pieces because I was too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to get anything done. I told my kid that. He kinda seems to be smarter than I am most of the time anymore, I swear. He just looks at me and says he is planning a yard sale. why not sort through the boxes beside the desk for stuff to toss to the sale? He literally just gave me a starting point. I did the boxes and I stopped there for the night. The next day I went through a corner that had been catching my craft supplies thinking it would be a small step forward and I have apparently done too much. My body doesn’t bother to tell me that I should slow down anymore …it just quits and I hurt for the next few days.

So I have been forced to go back to doing nothing. I hate that. So I am cleaning up my files and quietly trying to feel better about what I did get done instead of feeling like I failed because I pushed my self too much.

I need to find a way to stay out of my own head. it’s dark in there and sometimes it is terrifying to lose the light.