Today I am alive.

Everything hurts, my health is uncertain, and my mental health is in the toilet. This is the first time in the last decade I have failed to do the pad challenge.

For me it means I am being unreliable for the people who are depending on me, and I hate it. I have never been the one that needed expensive things…but today I needed a pick me up.

I needed to get out of the house.

I needed a dirty Chai tea. (this is a Chai tea with a shot of espresso)

I needed five minutes when no one was depending on me while I was wanting to fall apart.

That feels so selfish.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have responsibilities…expectations…obligations. And I have always been able to do it. I gave of myself until everyone else had. Now I have to put my self first. and it’s so strange.

Yesterday I couldn’t find the energy to do the work I needed to do. Now after I enjoyed the Chai I will be able to do some of it.

I am still struggling, and I won’t be able to even get answers about my health issues until February.

This is the first time in a while I have struggled with the pad challenge. I am going to try to get it caught up…but I don’t know if I will be able to. I’m sick. Not the normal this time of year thing, though I wish it was. I just got over a nasty sinus infection, but I am still working on dealing with other issues that are making me feel like sleeping all the time.

I will get over it, I think…but I am not sure how long it will take. Until I get back to 100 % I am probably gonna be behind on everything. I am going to try to keep up…but I can’t promise anything right now.