This is the piece that caused me all the emotional drama earlier. I was trying to show a caterpillar with a transformation of a butterfly attached. The feedback is that it looks like the butterfly is pooping. Yes. yes, it does. And now that will forever be what the transformation is. SHIT. Thanks.
However I made myself attempt another piece because I was honestly ready to delete the piece, the program and all. I needed to make myself work past the hurt and the disgust with what I had created to try to figure out creation again.
Found another NEW one! Trying Human Came across my Facebook feed. It seems to have some sci-fi and some horror aspects. The art is very graphic novel quality. (Which on reading the About page to find the update schedule was apparently what they were aiming for) It says they update 3 times a week. I will be trying to get caught up on what looks like a fun story. Join me.
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t know what I am changing yet…if anything. I am entering a little bit of a restructuring of my own life and social media. I still plan on being here. I am still me. However, I recently broke ties to a friend of over a decade. This has been coming for the past year. It should surprise no one.
I don’t know if I have anything to change, however a decade of shared speces and shared faces means that I at the very least have to consider the change… and the backlash it will have on the people around me. Though I share easily my life here, I don’t feel like I should be pointing fingers at others and writing their sins. What is toxic to me may not be to them. We can each only tell our own truth… whatever that may be.
I do post on social media vague rants and those who are close to me can figure it out…but I don’t point fingers. I don’t feel like it is my place to call someone out. It is my place to try and work through my own emotions and my reaction to the situation. Hence why I vague post. They are my way to work through the issue. Comments end up helping me to see if I am way out in left field or missing something.
Right now I am feeling grief. I am processing it. I am pulling myself away from the shared spaces. I am also refusing to allow my grief to stop the forward motion of Fae Corps. She requested that her books be pulled. She has decided to cut the ties completely. I think that is probably the best idea, as I will continue to get hurt otherwise. She left me feeling like I am hard to love, and hard to get along with. That is my responsibility to deal with.
I am back to dealing with this blog and the Fae Corps blog. I spent all day Sunday getting it dealt with, and I am determined to keep my blog from falling behind. Maybe I will have an easier time doing so with my mind not distracted by the issues I was facing.
I break the ice So they don’t see my size And I have to be nice Or I’ll be the next punchline
I’m just the best friend in Hollywood movies Who only exist to continue the story The girl gets the guy while I’m standing off-screen So I’ll wait for my cue to be comedic relief
Can’t be too loud Can’t be too busy If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me? Can’t be too proud Can’t think I’m pretty Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?
I say I’m okay ‘Cause they wouldn’t care anyway And I could try to explain But my efforts in vain They can’t relate to how I’ve
Drawn out in Sharpie where I take the scissors If that’s what it took for me to look in the mirror I’ve done every diet to make me look thinner So why do I still feel so goddamn inferior?
Can’t be too loud And can’t be too busy If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me? Can’t be too proud and Can’t think I’m pretty Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?
Life of the fat, funny friend Life of the fat, funny friend
It’s funny when I think a guy likes me And it’s funny when I’m the one who says, “Let’s go to eat” It’s funny when I’m asked to go out on Halloween Dresses and thigh highs, while I hide my body
Can’t be too loud And can’t be too busy If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna miss me?
Can’t be too loud And can’t be too busy If I don’t answer now, are they still gonna need me? Can’t be too proud and Can’t think I’m pretty Do they keep me around, so their flaws just seem silly?
Life of the fat, funny friend Life of the fat, funny friend Life of the fat, funny friend Life of the fat, funny friend
I’ve drawn out in Sharpie where I take the scissors
My Two Cents- I have been fat almost all my life. I was tiny before I hit puberty…but I hit puberty…I got fat. or so I was told.
I was two in the picture above.
And here I was ten. Through most of my teen years my mother had me on every fad diet there was. She was certain I would die before I was 30 by heart attack. So certain that she had me convinced.
My senior year of high school…I was 200 lbs….
I ended up 450 lbs and unable to move…but hey…I survived 30…
I am down to 270. I am still the same girl. the teen that didn’t understand what was wrong with me. The person who never felt like she looked good enough to be counted as cute, much less pretty.
I know I only end up doing like 8-10 days….every year…but its fun to try. I can’t find the proper Drawtober prompts so I am using Inktober’s prompts – but I won’t use that hashtag due to issues on it. And next month it will be the PAD Challenge…
Recently, I had someone give me unsolicited feedback. Now I am over that…but the reaction to my emotions afterwards…I have spent some time on. I was HURT…Like ready to delete the art program off of my computer hurt. I worked through that, because you know that is my responsibility – to deal with the emotions and the reasons why I feel them. I did not take it out on the person other than to tell them that they hurt me and that I did not appreciate the unsolicited feedback. That night I recorded a video rant on tiktok, Not naming or pointing any fingers to anyone. Not even being angry. I left it in my drafts folder overnight. Unsure if I would post it. Because the initial reaction to my hurt was her doing the OK like I had no business being hurt. She had immediately said sorry in a hey now I need to make you shut up kind of way. and then when I tried to explain my hurt she kept saying Ok…
Now I realize that I am nowhere near perfect. My voice has been stolen too often, So I guard it, I guard my ability to control my ability to express my self. No one can take those things from me. I have very distinct boundaries because of this. Well the next day I had worked through most of the hurt. I was able to see it for what it was and not do something that I felt would be foolish. I watched the video I had made and decided it was not me doing nothing but lashing out in hurt. I decided that it was a fair video and good content. Something that I often have issues posting, everywhere. So I posted it. The person decides that means I am still mad and starts sending me WTF messages. I told her I was never mad, only hurt. She blows that off as it is the same thing for me.
I am now questioning myself and everyone I know and love to be sure that my anger and my hurt are not manifesting the same way. They are not, but as this person mostly deals with me via social media she would not know the difference. I consider this person my best friend…some days my only friend. So I am devastated that she really doesn’t know me. I end up with the last things she says in the conversation bouncing around in my head all damn night. I am not going to put the exact things in here…but it is the same thing that always comes up when I enforce a boundary. ‘Well I did not realize that you expected that of me!’ Why would a boundary not apply to you? Because you are my closest friend? It seems that would mean I would not have to enforce the boundary because as my closest friend you would understand the damn reason for it.
I recently heard that the boundaries someone has a problem with are the limits to their respects for you. Now I wonder if I am mourning a friendship. I am wondering if I even had a friend, or was there only to make her feel better. I hate that. I love her. Still. That is the worst of this. I don’t halfway give my heart to anyone. I still love everyone I ever have…even if I can’t stand who they have become.
*Edit to note I don’t yet know if I am mourning our friendship. Time is the only answer for that. I sent my thoughts via email and am awaiting a reply.
Pattimouse 