I sometimes feel like Alice… the rabbit hurrying me for fear of being late. Admitted, I expected to be late for today. I was not in the mind space for blogging last night. To tell you the truth I am not quite there yet today. I survived the MRI. Though I was scared to death of it. This week I am going to be late if I post anything. I hate doing that but it has been a crazy week and it is only a Monday. I guarantee that I am not going to be able to do my blogging usual, but hopefully what I do post will be worth reading.
So, hurry hurry and let us see… what exactly the rabbit has in store for you and me.
The title of the post is thought catching, Isn’t it. I finished writing Handprints on my soul today. I was trying to decide how to announce it, and the Release date – November 18th… On the blog and I ended up joking that it was the end of an era…and it just seemed appropriate. Each of the volumes feel like a section of my life…
So the era of Handprints is over. I looked through the covers and I think the next general volume will be Thoughtcicles. When I woke this morning I found it was cold. We are at the very beginning of fall. I love fall, but I don’t really like the cold. I feel like I have more trouble thinking in the cold. Since I will be starting to write this in colder weather I feel like it is appropriate.
I will be over the next few weeks starting the marketing for Handprints, alongside Not another Danny…and the other stuff that Fae Corps is releasing. But for today…Here is the last poem in Handprints on my soul.
The last poem. Literally. And somehow… I see eternity.
I am five poems away from finishing The volume Handprints on my soul…and I am struggling with my writing…Not because I am unable – obviously. I just have too many topics and too many thoughts… so many that I have been fighting Insomnia. The end of a volume is always an anxious time for me. It is when I question my writing. It is when I question my motives. It is when I question my value…
Yesterday I answered a poem with a poem. The first poem was written by someone I love very much. A child I had given up at birth because I felt myself in a poor position to care for them. The child is now grown and I am amazed by the similarity they have to me. Also a talented poet, they posted one to their Facebook page. I have in the past found it fun to respond to poets with poetry…A slightly odd behavior perhaps but I find it a fun challenge. (I have been specifically responding to haikus written by my friend, on his Facebook feed In haiku because I find the syllable count to be challenging.) So I did not think twice to do the same with my child. Their reaction surprised me.
They said that they would never be as good as I am. I responded that they already were. In some ways that is such a lie. I see their poetry as better than my own. I see everyone who writes as better than my own. I am incredibly biased. I will never stop seeing the flaws in what I write. Though I imagine that most authors do the same. The problem is though I have some days where my writing is brilliance…I also have the days where putting more than one word on paper feels impossible.
I have days that I feel like I am too insane to be allowed to speak – much less use my voice to put something into this world that will be around for an indeterminate amount of time. (That is what writing is you realize? Passing your thoughts into the hazy future for the random person to read.) And I end up feeding the darkness of those days with my own self doubt and anxiety. That is why I refuse to be jealous of other writers or artists. Why I just judge my work and no one elses (unless I am editing their work which is when I am trying to help them get it to a state of technical perfection…) I shy away from people who cannot understand that I do not require judgement or want to be around jealousy. Those things make me harder on me. Instead I need honesty and just simply to be accepted for who I am.
Today I am a poet. I am strange and I am quiet. I am introvert. I am a writer. I am an explorer. Who are you?
Ps I also seem to update the blog more at the end of a volume…mostly because as I stated…This is when I am questioning myself more so I end up coming here with the random thoughts of am I good enough…knowing that I will never hear the answer I am needing to here.
Ever want to just scream? Or throw everything in the garbage and just say the first idiot thing that comes to mind? Yeah that has been me lately. I Don’t wanna be that girl who is always there for everyone. Hell Really I am NOT that girl but I am not that boy either. To be flat out honest I am not ever even sure what I am. I am not anything that I can put a label on. I tried to talk to my therapist about it…Only to find out the words I did use to describe myself were not good. (Weird is apparently hateful)
So I am the lonely introvert who pushes everyone away. I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t know if I mind that so much…though it adds to that feeling of not having anyone who sees me. Don’t get me wrong – I have a best friend…who I feel like I am burdening because I have no way of talking to with out complaining. It doesn’t help that I am high functioning in my anxiety. So I take on more than I can do…and then refuse to ask for help. She wants to help and I end up doing what I do ask her to do because my brain tells me I am asking too much.
My damaged soul is just enough that I can see the problems I put out into the world, but I cannot seem to help myself from pushing away those who try to accept them. I normally avoid talking about the mess that I am because I am trying to put forth an image of competence and professional nature…but as I said Lately I am wanting to say the first idiot thing that comes to mind. Instead…I think I will say thank you all for your patience with me and my lackluster blogging of late.
I am hoping after the MRI on Monday I will be in a better headspace. I am hoping to get back to our regularly scheduled half mad idiocy.
Yeah, I am sure y’all know this one by now…But today it is simply because I am fighting an almost daily migraine. I am fighting mental health issues, hard, and I just don’t have any extra energy to suggest new web comics. The internet is so full of Wonderful comics, but I just don’t know what I have already recommended and don’t have the energy needed to pick a new one.
Instead I will recommend a neat content creator on TikTok. She sings Puns. She is a fun creator. I may alternate a bit and recommend some Tiktok creators in between some web comics. It sounds like it might be less stressful. Go laugh at Drew and her Puns.
Dreaming comes so easily ‘Cause it’s all that I’ve known True love is a fairy tale I’m damaged, so how would I know
I’m scared and I’m alone I’m ashamed And I need for you to know
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully And it chills to the bone Will anyone get close to me? I’m damaged, as I’m sure you know
I’m scared and I’m alone I’m ashamed And I need for you to know
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
There’s mending for my soul An ending to this fear Forgiveness for a man who was stronger I was just a little girl, but I can’t go back
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away ‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Can’t go back
I can’t go back I must go on
My Two Cents- I feel like the lyrics speak for me. Some days surviving is harder than others. Somedays the voices of the past are louder than they should be. I am looking at an MRI for the migraines on the 19th…The problem is I am petrified of closed in places. I was abused by someone I should have been able to trust. When I was 9 years old I finally got the courage up to tell him I would scream if he came near me again. He locked me in the trunk of his car. He said that I would die there and made me believe that He intended to kill me. Though I am nearly 40 years older than that scared little girl….I still can’t handle closed in spaces. So I am having serious issues with the upcoming test. The man who abused me killed himself a few years ago. The last time I saw him I was still a child. He is still powerful, and I am somehow powerless. Some things the mind refuses to accept. Logically, I am no longer able to be hurt by a dead man…but since when is the brain logical?
As I said I am nearly done writing this volume. I am going to need to pick the next title for the general stuff soon. A while back I did a post on future volumes and the covers I made for them. As always I am asking for your opinions. which one do you think that I should do next?
Pattimouse 