Well me, it’s nice talking to myself A credit to dementia Some day you too will know my pain And smile its “black-tooth grin”
If the war inside my head Won’t take a day off I’ll be dead My icy fingers claw your back Here I come again
Feeling paranoid True enemy or false friend? Anxiety’s attacking me And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic Like the walls are closing in Blood stains on my hands And I don’t know where I’ve been
Once you committed me Now you’ve acquitted me Claiming validity For your stupidity
I’m chomping at the bit I’m sharpening the axe Here I come again, whoa! Sweating bullets
My Two Cents- Remember the war within? Yeah, I am still fighting. Don’t we all fight those voices? I have spent quite a few years worried about my mental health issues getting me locked away. Asylums are not good places. Especially when you are extremely claustrophobic. My mind is a place where so many wars have been fought. And I know I am not alone.
As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.
“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”
This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”
The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?
I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win. I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again. The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within. Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal, Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.
Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad, For I find myself doubting even the truth I had. Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale, I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.
I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.
so I came across this on Tiktok….I thought that it would be a fun one to check out this week. join me?
I have looked at the Instagram account for the artist…and followed the link to the website. They have amazing art on there. however I don’t see an organization that I am used to with webcomics. Perhaps it is still being setup? I personally plan to keep my eyes on it in hopes of seeing the cute setup in the video.
She was born in the 1930’s in Washington DC. She said that young women were not allowed to carry any weapons…but they had hat pins. I put a picture on this post…She told me that the hat pins were sharp and it baffled me. How did women use them with out poking themselves? The hat pins were seriously the same as a dagger in the hands of these young women.
Her story made me think that DC was a really bad place in her youth…(though I guess I can’t say it is a good place now)
I don’t remember the whole story but it was full of the necessary thrill to ensure that the teen I was would be hooked on every word. Now the woman I am in the middle of a dystopian nightmare for women am wishing I could have recorded every single story she told. I will always remember her telling me that Roe vs Wade didn’t make abortion easier to get, it merely made safe abortion easier to get. Women were still getting them, just most of them were dying. She told me about back alley butchers. I was so happy that I was born in post Roe vs Wade America…now I am sorry that I have lived long enough to see my home become a place where I am no longer free.
So, as you know, I had a vacation. Randomly. It was sprung upon me. Then the fourth of July. I didn’t celebrate it, but I did have a cookout planned. I don’t often have people at my place…I am not generally a people person, I am a serious introvert. It was planned months ago. Hence the reason why I said that I would be back on the fifth…I should have said that I would be back next week. Exhaustion has me.
The mental toll of ten days with my family and a basic dinner party are more than enough to drop me. There is a reason why introverts like to be alone. I have found that in the last five days I have dissociated twice. That is more than I had in the six months prior. I am going to be around. I am going to be posting…but it may take me a couple of weeks to get back to the routine again. I need to go slowly to keep from doing damage to my mental health.
I really appreciate your patience as I recover. I do have some exciting things that are coming up soon. I have a lot to share with all of you. I just need to get back into it slowly.
Pattimouse 