As many of you know, I just took a vacation. The vacation was fun…and it was miserable. I will explain. My daughter and I went to visit my mom. We enjoyed the visit…but there were snide little digs that my mom made that we did not enjoy. I don’t plan on going into details. When we got back we were both upset and trying to get back to the happiness that was home. Then today we were talking about it.
“It wasn’t that bad” “I just exaggerated it” “I am just ungrateful.” “I blew it out of proportion.” “She probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” “I was just looking for reasons to hate the trip.”
This often happens to me when I deal with my mom. I end up feeling guilty because I take what she says the wrong way. I told my therapist about a thing that my mom had said that had my daughter upset. I told her that I had told my girl “My mother loves me, but I don’t think she likes me very much. The difference Is I love you and I like you just how you are. I would not change anything about you.” My therapist asked me a question that has been bouncing around my head ever since. “Are you sure that your mom loves you?”
The question becomes how are we sure if anyone loves us? When my parents got divorced, my mom told me something that stuck in my brain. She said that Daddy loved her, but not in the way she needed. Perhaps the demons eating at my brain are doing so, not because I am unloved or unwanted, but instead because I need more than those who have loved me were capable of giving. So my internal war today is the question – Am I too needy? Is everything I do stemming from the desire to be loved more than anyone is possibly capable of? And is my inner voice just looking for an excuse to be miserable?
I am at war with myself, and to be frank, I doubt that I am going to win.
I am fighting the demons within, and it looks like I am losing again.
The words that whisper in my brain are getting real loud within.
Teaching me that I am failing seems to be the goal,
Leaving me there to somehow the answers know.
Yeah, I guess I am going slightly mad,
For I find myself doubting even the truth I had.
Instead of knowing that I am whole and hale,
I find doubt behind every thought, everywhere.
I don’t know if I will get every day this week posted. I am not able to get the week scheduled today. I am busy fighting that war inside me.
Pattimouse 
That’s one of the tough ones. I concluded long ago that I would have to trust that they do love even if they are not good at showing it, unless and until they prove they don’t or can’t.
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Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
Pattimouse – Questioning
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Because, we get, trapped in the way we interact with our own parents from when we were, children, and, we carry this means of interacting with them, as we grow older, and, because we got, stuck in this mindset, we feel, trapped, which is why, we don’t enjoy our interactions with our them, as adults, and the only difference, is that, now that, we are, adults, we can, avoid interacting with them, unless, it’s absolutely, necessary, like on holidays and such, whereas when we were young, we’d relied on them, and, had no place to, escape.
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I thought I escaped from my Mom at 16. I moved out at 16. still at 47 I end up feeling like I’m again 12 years old and struggling because I can’t do anything right. I try to ignore it, but now I’m seeing the same behavior towards my daughter and she really doesn’t deserve my Mom. the voice inside telling her that she will never be enough…never be anything close to enough. yeah, I am fighting that voice in both of our heads now.
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Hope you feel better soon.
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