Month: October 2016

Outside blind

Okay,  I believe it is time that I explain my truth,  and set myself free.  I have survived many abusive situations.  I really was a broken soul. Then I met an angry redhead. He is my anchor.  He allowed me to heal.  When I met him,  I was dissociating.  I was on more medications than a person should ever take and I flinched whenever anyone looked at me cross.  I was hiding who I was,  mostly because I had seen that it would be unwelcome.  No one believed me when I spoke of what I had been through.  So when I met him,  I was more than a hot mess. I was having nightmares nightly and I was terrified of everything.  I had at our rough count at least fifteen distinct personalities.  Twenty years later, I no longer dissociate. I Will likely have nightmares for the rest of my life,  but I have them less now.  I now wake up to arms who hold me as I cry the tears of fear.  I have someone who has encouraged me to be myself,  no matter what anyone else thinks. We heal each other.

That sounds amazing right?  Well the problem is most people see him and because he is grouchy and anti-social,  They think that he is not good to me. I have watched him walk away from people who he loved because of how they treated me.  I have watched him protect me when I was trapped in my own mind. I have had to stand between him and the outside,  because of people misunderstanding. I will always stand up for him,  he is why I have found the strength to heal a shattered soul. So many people have told me that I can do better……but What they fail to understand is that I don’t want to.  We fight,  we play,  we love,  and we have healed.  Unless you are part of it,  there is so much that you Can not see,  so please don’t judge my life based on the first impression that you have of him or me.

 

A concept flawed

for·give·ness
ˌfərˈɡivnəs/
noun
noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgivenesses
  1. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
    “she is quick to ask forgiveness when she has overstepped the line”
    synonyms: pardon, absolution, exoneration,remission, dispensation,indulgence, clemency, mercy;More

    reprieve, amnesty;
    archaicshrift
    “we beg your forgiveness”
    antonyms: mercilessness, punishment
Origin
Old English forgiefenes, from forgiefen (past participle of forgiefan ‘forgive’) + the noun suffix -nes .
                     For me forgiveness has been a tough matter.  I am a survivor,  and I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to forgive my abuser.  That it is for my peace.  No it is not.  It is the way that everyone around me feels better about my mental state.  Forgiveness for me has always meant being able to go around the forgiven.  To accept that this was done and not hold the person responsible for it.  Well I refuse.  He hurt me.  I still wake up from nightmares.  That is unlikely to change.  I am not a victim anymore, I have healed as much as I am likely to do.  Still if I was to be in the same room with him,  I would not be civil.  He was responsible for some of the darkest moments of my life.  So I think that the concept of forgiveness needs to be adjusted.  If you Google it,  forgiveness comes up only as a way to heal from abuse.  The fact that the word has been adjusted in such a way says quite alot.  I am a writer.  I see words as they are meant.  So for me forgiveness is being misused,  and mostly by people who have never been there.  If someone chops your foot off then I  guess you can forgive them?  You can say that it’s ok and that you are fine with it?  Well I have my doubts.  My abuser caused horrific nightmares,  ptsd,  and an overwhelming claustrophobia.  Those are not something that my “forgiving” him will fix.  I have managed to put a shattered mind mostly back together.  I was dealing with dissociation.  I am not anymore. I am able to speak of what I went through,  even if it is not an easy thing.  Forgiving him will not change that. He is a monster.  Accepting that was needed.  That is not forgiveness,  I will never be able to be in the same room as him.  As a matter of fact,  I told him the last time I saw him that I would scream if I ever saw him again.  Forgiveness is not a tool for my peace of mind,  it is a tool for those who have not been where I have.

Sensitive body topics

Okay,  this is not an easy thing for me to write.  I am a firm believer in teaching children about their bodies and teaching consent. What that means is teaching a child that their bodies belong only to them. No forcing the child to give unwanted hugs,  no ignoring discomfort with affection. Teach girls about what is natural for their bodies. Oh I realize that eventually most have to explain the whole puberty thing.  But if you make no topic taboo,  then if there is something wrong,  your child is not afraid to speak up.

There are several reasons why this is a tough topic , and why it is such an important one.  I was molested.  He convinced me that no one would believe me.  My mom was so uncomfortable with some topics that she couldn’t discuss them… Puberty was not a easy time (I was given a pamphlet and told to go to my room to read it.) So when I finally worked up the courage to speak,  well he was right.  I was not believed.  So when I had my own daughter,  I swore I would do things differently.  I don’t allow anyone to force affection.  We don’t have secrets.  If she has a question about anything,  I try to answer it. So at twelve years old,  I had tried to run away from home three times.  She feels safe. I was sexually active at twelve and pregnant at thirteen.  She has said that she is not ready for a boyfriend and really is not wanting to have sex anytime soon. She is a smart and sensitive girl who is learning how to be sarcastic and funny,  not as a defense mechanism like I did….but because she enjoys laughing. I have been told that I should be less open with her because people were uncomfortable with how honest I am with my twelve year old.  I let her ask questions and I refuse to lie.  I will not apologize for my doing what I felt was right for any of my children. Even if I fail at all else I do in life,  I have a smart funny happy girl.