Just a random thought that ran through my mind. there is so many things i would love to repair in my life and in the lives of others, and i find myself thinking whether repairing things would be actually a good idea. while i can’t imagine innocents suffering I also know pain strengthens us. on that thought i must be the strongest fucking person out there sometimes. yet I feel so weak and helpless most of the time. Joe don’t understand. he tries. He got me self defense classes to help. and usually i play along, but violence even in self defense is so against everything i am. I  am no longer a victim, but i am not about to go against my nature for that. it gives to much to those who hurt me. i am a pacifist, and fighting and adding to the violence only allows them to win. i will survive, but then a smart man once told me ” you would be surprised what you can live through”. Is that all there is for me? survival? By the gods i hope not.